


Alternate Universe: Part I

by HideTheDecay



Series: Alternate Universe Series [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 07:07:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 50,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HideTheDecay/pseuds/HideTheDecay
Summary: His breath shook and he shook his head in denial, even as his eyes grew glassy. The idea that his relationship with Fenris, that the years they’d spent together, during their relationship and before, might not have actually happened, might not be real, was enough to have him shaking.





	1. Chapter 1

When Anders stepped into the dilapidated mansion, he was carrying a basket and a smile. He was displeased to notice that the cobwebs he’d cleared out from the foyer had returned - hadn’t he just done that? - and as always, gave himself a mental reminder to help him carry some of the broken bits of wooden furniture to be burned in the fireplace. They never seemed to get around to it, but it would be nice to continue to clean this place up - it just seemed less important when they were spending time together.

He made his way all the way to the back room, knowing that the elf would hear him coming and would be putting the finishing touches, if there were any, on dinner. He began to speak as he reached the threshold and as he strode in confidently. “Someone left some muffins for me and normally I’d save them to give out, but… they look so good, I figured I’d bring them to share with you.”

\---

There was no fragrance of dinner in the back room. Fenris had planned to pick a meal up, but after his fight with Anders, he’d gone straight home. He was sitting in his chair facing the fireplace, his hand clutching the neck of a wine bottle with very little wine left inside. He’d heard someone in his home, imagining it was Hawke coming to lecture him about letting things come to blows with Anders again, and hadn’t bothered to turn around. But when he heard the mage’s voice, so strangely cheerful, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

He was on his feet in an instant, whirling to face him. The blood had been cleaned from his face, but the corner of his lower lip was split and his left eye was bruised and nearly swollen shut. “Get out.” He snarled, his posture just as tense as it was whenever they went into battle with Hawke.

\---

He was startled by his reaction, but even more so by his appearance. “Maker, what happened to you, Fenris?” He quickly moved to the table to set the basket down, before approaching him with concern written deeply into the planes of his face.

\---

“What is this?” Fenris hissed, taking a large step back when the healer approached. “You aren’t really trying to poison me, are you? If you want me dead, summon that demon of yours and we’ll end this now.” His lips pulled back in a snarl and his hand tightened around the bottle the head, shattering the neck. The bottle shattered on the floor, the remains of the wine spreading by his feet. He didn’t notice the shards of glass in his fist at all, a little blood running between his fingers as he stared down the mage.

\---

His eyes widened and he stilled where he was. “What are you talking about? Poison you?” He’d not called Justice a demon in a long time and his use of it now confused him. “Why would I poison you? I don’t want you dead… you know that. What happened to you? Did you hit your head?” He seemed confused and with all of the injuries on his face, it seemed the most likely cause of whatever was wrong with him.

\---

The elf laughed, the sound completely humorless. “You know exactly who hit my head, mage. Whatever you’re trying to do, it’s not working.” His lyrium flared in his skin in his agitation, but it didn’t linger. “Get. Out.”

\---

His patience was waning and he shook his head. “Will you stop it? Come here, let me heal you.” He approached him, never imagining that doing so would be dangerous. His hands were glowing with the magic he intended to use, wanting to clear both his head and his wounds.

\---

Something flashed in Fenris’ eyes that was nearly fear when the glowing hands came close. He shoved the healer hard, wanting to put as much distance between them as possible. “Don’t you dare touch me again!” He snapped, his tone sharp with threat. He was angry enough as it was, but the healer’s odd behavior was unnerving. “I’m not going to tell you again. Get out.”

\---

Again, the response was jarring as he stumbled back, the light in his hands going out. “What is wrong with you? Let me heal you, you stupid elf.” Even the word ‘stupid’ was said with some manner of affection. “You’re clearly confused, so let me take care of it and then we’ll talk, alright?”

\---

When Anders didn’t listen, he stormed forward, erasing the distance he’d just created. He shoved him again, forcing him toward the door. “I’m confused? You’re the one walking in here like you didn’t just…” He stopped himself, knowing there was no sense in trying to talk this out. Whatever he was up to, it wasn’t going to work. Instead, he just pushed him again, smearing more blood from his hand on Anders’ robes.

\---

He was baffled. “Like I didn’t what?” Did he think he’d done something? “I haven’t done anything, I was just at my clinic, as always.” Giving up on getting close to him and feeling increasingly ruffled by the shoves, he backed up to keep distance between them, but his hands lit once more and, despite being tired from a day of exhausting work, he used what energy he had left to heal him from where he was standing.

\---

Fenris recoiled and took several steps back when he felt the magic in his skin, but when it was done, he looked genuinely surprised that it hadn’t hurt. He moved his fingers to his lip, finding it mended. After the shock faded, he was right back to snarling. “You were at your clinic after you told Hawke you’d seen some slavers he might sell me to. After you sucker punched me because you know you can’t beat me in a fair fight. Now you think you can bring me treats and heal me and I won’t come after you? Don’t worry, mage. When I’m ready to retaliate, you’ll know it.”

\---

He gaped at him and it took him a moment to respond. “Oh dear, something is really wrong with you. It must have been that spell you got hit with.” He’d been injured earlier by an unknown spell while they were out, but apart from some injuries, he’d seemed fine at the time and so Anders had assumed that the damage had been purely physical. Nevermind the new wounds that had made no sense. “Listen to me, love, I’d never say anything like that and I’d never punch you, okay? You need to let me take a closer look at you. I would never hurt you, so just calm down and we can sit down and figure this out.”

\---

Love? Had he really just called him love? The rage on the warrior’s face broke briefly he was so completely stunned. But once he’d had a moment to process what he was saying, he shook his head, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. “You’re trying to do something to me. You and your demon are up to something and I will never let you use your disgusting blood magic on me again.” He knew very well that Anders’ healing was not blood magic, but he was too worked up to care. He rushed forward again and shoved him viciously, wanting to get him out the door as quickly as he could. “If you want more trouble with me, at least be man enough to come in here and start a fight instead of just acting creepy, mage.”

\---

Every statement was less surprising than the last and he wasn’t phased this time, chalking it up to whatever was wrong with him. Rather than try to convince him, he sent a paralysis glyph at his feet, freezing him. He left his mouth free to move so that he could speak, giving him that much, and approached him, looking him over intently with concern. A hand lifted to press against his forehead and he sent a wave of magic in to sense if there was something wrong physically. When there didn’t seem there wasn’t, it just helped to convince him that the cause was magical in nature.

\---

His blood went cold when the glyph hit him, knowing that he was completely vulnerable to whatever the healer wanted to do to him. “Coward. You’d best kill me before this wears off. You’re a dead man if you don’t.” He snarled, his eyes as wide and vicious as a cornered animal’s as Anders attempted to diagnose him.

\---

“Shh, it’s okay.” He clearly felt threatened, but he wasn’t in danger. He tried to sense the magic that was affecting him, but was getting nothing on that account as well. Even Justice couldn’t tell what it was. “I need to fetch Hawke,” he murmured to himself, knowing that this was something he would need help on. If for no other reason than the warrior was being so disagreeable. He leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead, before stepping back and putting distance between them. “I’m going to release you, okay? I’ll get Hawke and then we can all talk about this.” If he could just be convinced to stop being so resistant and distrustful, it would make this a lot easier.

True to his word, he let the glyph fade.

\---

The kiss had to be some sort of taunt and it was effective as he felt terribly violated. As the glyph faded, the elf looked just as murderous as he’d threatened, shaking out his arms and legs when the paralysis had weakened enough. He stormed toward Anders, his flesh flooding with lyrium and his heart pounding in his ears as he realized that one of them was likely about to die.

\---

It was clear how pissed he was and the mage took a couple of steps back, ending up out of the room for it. “Fenris, will you calm down?! Just sit down and I’ll be back with Hawke, okay?” Even as threatening a figure he made, he couldn’t fathom the elf actually harming him in any way.

\---

The fact that Anders was at least out of the room was enough to slow his pursuit. But he was still glowing and still slowly advancing on him. “Don’t come back.” He hissed, not wanting any more trouble until he’d had time to try to understand what this was about.

\---

He waved a hand, dismissing his demand as he turned and made his way out of the mansion. Luckily, Hawke’s place wasn’t all that far and it didn’t take him long to get there. He knocked on the door, knowing that while it was late, it was unlikely that the rogue was asleep.

\---

Hawke had been in the living room, dressed in a fine house robe and holding a glass of wine when there was a knock at the door. He shouted that he would get it, hurrying to the door and smoothing his hair with his hand along the way. He was wearing a charming smile when he pulled open the door but it fell quickly when he saw Anders. “You’re not Isabela.” He sounded quite disappointed, but still stepped aside and welcomed him in with a gesture. “Is something wrong, Anders?”

\---

His brows lifted a little and in spite of the situation that had him stopping in, he smirked. “Pity me,” he teased, though he already had a man he far preferred. The joke was at the rogue’s expense. When he moved in, however, his expression sobered and even turned worried. “There is something wrong, actually. It’s Fenris. Something’s wrong with him and I think it has to do with earlier - that spell he got hit with. I think it’s done something to his mind or his memories, I don’t know, but he’s acting like I’m going to hurt him or something. I can’t get him to calm down and let me take a proper look at him.”

\---

The rogue looked completely perplexed as he closed the door behind him, taking a moment to digest all he’d said. “...Is this a joke? I mean, it’s kind of funny, but your delivery is a little weak. You could try it on Isabela when she gets here though, she’s probably already a few cups of ale in. So, what is this really about?”

\---

He frowned, not at all amused. “No, it’s not a joke. Why would I be coming here in the middle of the night for a joke? What’s funny about it? Something’s wrong with Fenris, why on earth would that be funny, Hawke?” He sounded increasingly upset as he went on. “I need your help to convince him I’m not going to harm him, though I’m not entirely sure he won’t think the same thing of you.” Regardless, he could help him try to convince him and, if that failed, try to keep him restrained, though he loathed to do that to him.

\---

“You joked about selling Fenris to a couple guys who looked like slavers today. Can you blame me? Especially after he spent the whole afternoon sniping at you?” It had been exhausting, as every trip with the two of them was, to try to keep the peace. And today, he’d failed spectacularly because they’d both been more bloodied by each other than from the actual battles that day. “What are you trying to do to him that you need my help for?”

\---

His expression screwed in confusion. “What are you talking about, no I didn’t.” Fenris had said the same and he couldn’t help but turn a suspicious gaze on him. “Did you tell him I said that?” Was this all actually a misunderstanding that stemmed from something Hawke had said? It didn’t explain Fenris’ accusations of being punched by him, but he was trying to latch onto any answer he could find. “I need your help to get him back to normal, especially if it’s your fault he’s like this!”

\---

“My fault? What are you talking about? I didn’t have to tell him anything, he was five feet away from you when you said it. Loudly.” His humor with all of this was fading quickly and he took a long drink of his glass of wine. It was supposed to mostly be a prop for when his girlfriend arrived, but he could always pour another. “Before I could turn around to get between you, the two of you were bashing each other’s faces in.”

\---

He shook his head in disbelief. “It must have hit you too.” It really made no sense, but it was the only thing he could think to explain all of this. “I’ve never hit him and he’s never hit me!” It felt important to make that much clear, offended at the suggestion that their relationship might hold such violence. He took a step back from him, his hand lifting to pinch the bridge of his nose as he tried to collect himself. “Will you at least let me examine you? If I can figure out what’s wrong with you, it’ll help me figure out what’s gotten into you guys.”

\---

“...If this is a joke, I don’t get it. You guys try to punch each other’s lights out at least once a month.” Hawke shook his head, looking a bit exasperated as if Anders was trying to pull him into their drama in some weird way. “There’s nothing wrong with me other than my girlfriend being late and you talking to me like a crazy person, but you can examine me if it would make you feel better.”

\---

“No we don’t.” His voice was firm and he dragged him over to one of the benches in for foyer and pushed him down onto it. “Did that blood mage hit you with the same spell he hit Fenris with?” He asked as he began to check him out, using his magic to make sure he was alright physically. “I didn’t see any wounds on you.” He hadn’t healed him after that battle and even checking now, he couldn’t sense anything off with him.

\---

“No one hit me with anything.” He let Anders pull him around, breathing a heavy sigh. He didn’t mind the examination, letting him probe around with his magic. “You’ll see that once you’re done checking me over.”

\---

He tried to sense any magical influence on him, but like with Fenris, there was nothing. He made a frustrated sound. “I’m going to have contact some people…” He knew many people who could do better with this sort of thing than he could, so he would just have to pull a few strings. “Look, Hawke, you know better than the rest of them how much we love each other, you know that we don’t hurt each other, and you’re the only one that can help me convince him to… calm down if nothing else. I just need him to trust me until I can make this right.”

\---

“Listen, I don't know what you're getting at. I've never seen two people that hate each other more than you do, but if it will help to keep the peace between you, I'll try to calm him down.” He set his wine down on the bench and stood. “But I want you to look me in the eye and promise me you're not going to hurt him if I settle him down. I'll never forgive you if you do.”

\---

He stared at him in disbelief and then, shaking his head, straightened up. “You know what, Hawke? You’re the one that’s not funny.” He looked disgusted and like there was more that he was holding back. He had to remind himself that something was wrong with him and that he was as confused as Fenris was. “I don’t think you can help me. I’ll find someone else.”

—

“Anders…” He was so confused, but he was made uneasy by how genuinely disgusted Anders looked. “No one else will be able to help, he wouldn't listen to anyone else after a fight like today. Why don’t we talk to Isabela when she gets here?”

\---

“Fine.” His voice was snapping and he moved to the opposite side of the foyer to sit down, crossing his arms over himself defensively. If she could convince Hawke that he was talking nonsense, maybe Hawke could convince Fenris of the same thing.

Promise not to hurt him. He scoffed internally, unable to believe he would say something like that to him. They were friends and he knew him better than anyone, with the exception of the warrior. He would never hurt anyone… especially not someone he cared about and loved. He had to consciously attempt not to take it to heart.

—

It wasn't much longer before there was another knock at the door. Hawke answered it and though the pirate started right in on flirting, she sobered quickly when she saw how upset the men looked. “Okay, clearly this isn't going to be a threesome. ...Is this about the fight today?”

\---

At that, Anders stood and stormed out of the door, not wanting to deal with this. If they were all going to tell him that he’d gotten into a non-existent fistfight with Fenris, they couldn’t help him. He’d figure it out himself.


	2. Chapter 2

The night in the clinic was miserable and he barely slept, his thoughts on the elf that was in need of his help. He decided as he laid there that he would see him in the morning and hoped he would have calmed down enough that they could talk about what was going on.

As such, as soon as the sun began to peek, he was on his way to Hightown, making his way to the mansion that he’d all but been kicked out of the night before. He opened the door and stepped inside, a little more cautious about entering and making his way back to his room.

—

Fenris was curled up in his chair, watching the dying embers in his fireplace. He'd expected Hawke to come talk to him as Anders had said, but when no one came, he'd rested in his chair for the evening. At least the rogue hadn't been as crazy as the mage. When he heard the approach, he didn't know who to expect but he was in no mood for company. “If you're not Hawke, get out.”

\---

The voice wasn’t promising in the slightest, but still, he continued on, coming to the doorway and leaning into it. “I guess you’re not feeling any better.” He folded his arms over himself and studied him, his eyes tired.  

—

He was surprised to hear the mage again and he leaned around his chair enough to look at to look at him. “You have a lot of nerve to come back. Weren't you going to bring Hawke to talk sense into me, mage?” He wasn't as openly hostile as he'd been the night before, but the venom was still in his tone.

\---

“Yes, well, I’m here to talk sense into you, so why don’t we sit down?” He gestured to his table, the only place where there was enough room for both of them to sit.

—

“You can talk to me from right where you are.” He wasn't about to invite him in, no matter how strange he was acting. “And if I see your hands glow, I'm going to kill you.” He wasn't one to throw around death threats, but after last night, he meant it.

\---

Rather than listen, he made his way into the room and sat down in his usual spot. He meant to sit there even if the elf refused to join him. “Will you stop? I get it, you’re confused and you think I’m a threat to you, but I’m not. You are the last person I would ever hurt. I know saying that isn’t going to convince you, but I’m going to continue saying it until you believe me.

—

“I'd tell me you hurt me more often than anyone has since Tevinter, but I hate to give you that satisfaction.” He spat the words, scowling when he took his seat. “Did you talk to Hawke last night?”

\---

He huffed softly, shaking his head to himself. “I’m not here to talk about Hawke, I’m here to talk about us. I know you don’t believe anything I say it seems, but something happened yesterday. Something serious and I’m not going to be able to fix it if you don’t help me.”

—

“You don't want to talk about Hawke because he told you you're insane.” He couldn't know that, but if Anders had really gone to Hawke, what else could the rogue had said to him? “Something serious might have happened to you, but not me. If you think I would help you with anything, you've really lost it.”

\---

He took a deep breath, fixing his eyes on the table as he reigned in his emotions. “Yes you would. You would do everything you could to help me, which is why I’m going to do everything I can to help you, even if you fight me every step of the way. Regardless what you think, I would never do anything to hurt you and you would never do anything to hurt me.”

—

“I don't need your help. Perhaps I hit you in the head a little too hard yesterday. You're a mage abomination and I'm an escaped slave. That is all the motivation the two of us have ever needed to hurt each other.” He turned to face the fire again. “Yesterday afternoon you wanted to help me right back into chains.”

\---

He sounded so ridiculous to him - as if he would ever wish chains on anyone. “That’s how I know you’re wrong. I would never wish chains on anyone, that’s not who I am at all.” He pushed himself back to his feet. “I’m going to bring a friend here to look at you. He might be able to figure this out better than I can, so be here later. If you’re not, we’ll just wait for you.”

—

“If you bring some mage here, I'll make you both regret it. No one is casting spells on me again.” He turned his head to face him again when he heard him rise, wanting to make sure he didn't come any closer.

\---

“Yeah, yeah.” He wasn’t feeling threatened or taking him seriously since he’d not acted on any of his warnings, despite offering many since this started. “I’ll be back when I can.” When he reached the doorway, he paused to glance back at him, offering him a sad smile. “I’ll miss you.” 

Knowing he’d get nothing of the kind in return, he headed out.

—

He'd miss him? That was a new one. No one had ever said that to him and of all people the abomination would miss him? He huffed and faced the fire again, hoping he'd change his mind and just leave him in peace.


	3. Chapter 3

Denyard was pleased enough to leave his work early to help his old friend Anders attempt to detect a mysterious spell on one of his comrades. He took in the dark, dirty appearance of the old mansion as they entered, not sure why the man who lived here would choose not to clean it up. When they reached the back room, his eyes fell on the elf at the table and he opened his mouth to introduce himself, but the tattooed warrior cut him off.

“I told you not to bring anyone. Get out.” Fenris snarled, rising from his seat. His eyes fixed on the symbol on the newcomer’s forehead and that kept the lyrium that flashed in his skin from staying there.

\---

“It’s okay, Fenris. This is Denyard and he’s going to help me figure out what’s going on, okay? Just try to calm down a little.” He did not understand this hostility, especially when he’d done nothing to be threatening.

—

“Just stay away from me.” Fenris moved back a step, watching them both warily. “Both of you.”

“Please don't be afraid, Fenris. Anders believes there might be a spell on you that is confusing you. If you'll just take a seat, I'll do my best to detect any magic in you.” The tranquil mage said soothingly and slowly approached, not at all worried by the way the elf bristled as he drew closer.

\---

He didn’t want to crowd him, but he took a step or two closer, wanting to be ready should anything happen. He still didn’t think he would do anything, but he was ruffled enough that he wasn’t completely putting it out of the realm of possibility. “It’ll be fine, love.”

\---

“Why do you keep calling me that? You loathe me.” Fenris snapped, but didn’t look to Anders for long, watching the new comer distrustfully as he got closer. “Get back. Don’t come any closer.” His lyrium flashed again, lingering longer this time as he prepared to use it if the stranger didn’t listen.

Denyard was close enough this time when the lyrium flared that he was taken aback by it. The closest thing to shock that his face had shown in years took hold of him and he took a step back. “That’s...I don’t know what has been done to him, but it is very powerful. It is almost like the Fade is in his skin.”

\---

“I do not,” he insisted, but he said dismissively, knowing he wouldn’t believe him and focusing on what needed to be done. When Denyard spoke, he shook his head, “That’s just his lyrium, ignore that. That isn’t what’s wrong with him.” He took another step closer, gesturing to the elf. “Fenris, stop doing that so he can figure out what’s wrong.”

\---

The tranquil mage moved in close to the elf despite the warning and he was greeted with a sharp right hook. Denyard staggered backward, holding his jaw, but didn’t appear deterred. He knew Anders would heal him and no strike like that would do any lasting damage. “I mean you no harm and I think you know that. Just be still…” He didn’t hesitate to approach him again, only to be struck a second time. “Anders, would you do me a favor and restrain him for me for just a moment?” He asked softly, deciding that such a direct approach was not very effective.

\---

He sucked in a sharp breath when he was punched the first time, but when he was punched the second time, he snapped, “Fenris, stop it!” He was reluctant to paralyse him again, knowing that he didn’t like it, but it was for his own good, so after a hesitation, he placed a glyph at his feet once more.

\---

“Very good, thank you.” Denyard approached the elf again, who was snarling in a language he didn’t understand, but at least he could get close without being hit again. He looked over Fenris closely, spending several minutes inspecting the elf’s face. “Did you heal him recently?” As he asked, he pulled a vial from his robes, checking it over briefly to make sure it was the one he wanted.

\---

“Yes, he was injured.” He moved closer himself, since the elf couldn’t attack them. “He says that we got into a fight and that I hit him, but that’s not possible. Yesterday, we were out together and then we split up, but when I came home, he… was different. He’s insisting that we hate each other and that I hurt him - I don’t understand. The only thing I can think of is that when we were out, we came across a mage who hit him with a spell that I’ve never seen before.” He’d already told him this, but he wanted to make what had happened very clear.

\---

“At first glance I just feel a little residual magic, but I recognize it as your work.” Still, it was prudent to double check, so he’d asked if he’d healed him. “I need a closer look and I’m sure he’s very uncomfortable standing here.” He opened the vial he held and put it to the irate elf’s lips, knowing he had no movement to struggle and would be forced to drink it down.

Fenris resisted as long as he could, but eventually he had to swallow. It wasn’t long after he did that he grew quiet, his furious eyes relaxing and dilating. “There, now he’s calm. Let’s sit him down so he’s comfortable.”

\---

Anders really didn’t like doing this to him and he felt a lot of guilt when he was forced to drink the potion and he saw the way it affected him. “I’m sorry, love,” he murmured to him, coming close enough to touch him as he removed the glyph. He set his hand on his back. “Let’s sit down,” he told him, trying to guide him back to his chair.

\---

Fenris would not have made it back to the chair without leaning on Anders. His head lolled to one side a little once he sat and though he looked entirely dazed, he did in fact look a lot more comfortable to be sitting.

Denyard followed the pair of them, kneeling on the floor in front of Fenris to look over him more thoroughly. He put his hands on top of the elf’s and the moments they made contact, the tranquil drew in a slow, shaky breath. He looked as if he was struggling to focus, but his eyes closed and his brow furrowed as he forced himself to concentrate on searching him for magic.

\---

He ended up lowering to the floor as well, but he did so at the arm of the chair, his hand finding the elf’s arm and resting atop it. “It’ll be okay, Fenris,” he assured him, even though he wasn’t all there. He wanted him to feel safe, even if he didn’t.

\---

The longer Denyard touched the elf, the more upset he seemed to become. “I'm sorry, my friend. I've finished my analysis. I just have to…” His voice quavered in a way it hadn't in years. The mage was shaking and before long he was weeping, his hands clutching Fenris’ desperately to keep this connection to the Fade that he felt so strongly even without his lyrium active. Fenris shifted a little in his seat and made a sound of complaint, not liking the pressure on his tattoos but too tired to pull his hands away.

\---

Anders’ gaze was fixed on Fenris’ face and it wasn’t until the tranquil spoke that he glanced over at him, his eyes widening to see him crying. “Denyard?!” He sounded alarmed and when he realized the way he was clutching at him, he moved around to the front of the chair and grabbed his hands from behind him, gripping them firmly and peeling them off of the elf. “Denyard, what is it?” He was trying to pull him back from him to put distance between them, not understanding, but dread filling his stomach.

\---

“No!” He cried out when he was pulled from the elf. How long had it been since he'd shouted? The thought made him laugh, something equally foreign to him and before long he was in hysterics, laughing and sobbing all at once. He doubted it would last now that his contact with the Fade was broken, but he would enjoy it while it did. “I'm awake! Anders, I'm really awake!”

\---

He’d seen this before, when he’d fought to save a man that had at one time meant so much to him, and it didn’t take much for the dots to click. To realize that Fenris, with his lyrium that he himself so coveted, had woken him much like Justice had Karl by simply existing beside him.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, voice strained, knowing how agonizing it had been for the lover that he’d killed with his own hand. That had preferred death to continuing the existence that all mages dreaded. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have brought you if I’d known.”

\---

“No, no. Thank you. Maker, bless you.” He took hold of Anders and kissed the healer’s cheek. It was an impulse he chased without thought, savoring the fact that it was a genuine impulse. “It's so good to be awake, even for just a little while.”

\---

There was a sick relief that he seemed to accept his fate, one that filled him with guilt, but he wasn’t sure that he could have lifted his blade if he’d asked him to. He didn’t want anyone to accept that fate, but if he would not fight it, then Anders was relieved. The kiss surprised him and, despite the fact that they were not at all close, he ended up keeping his arms around him and hugging him, wanting to give him that much while he could still feel.

He hadn’t forgotten the elf sitting there, but this would fade and he wanted to give him what he could, having put him through this unintentionally.

\---

Denyard clutched at Anders, not at all caring that the healer was a man he didn't know especially well. He'd still given him this unelected gift and really, he'd be happy to embrace anyone but a templar at the moment. “Thank you. I don't think I'd want to stay like this. It's easier to carry on for the underground when I don't have to feel all of this. But I haven't been awake in so many years, it's good to have this for the moment…”

\---

Anders didn’t know what to say and his mouth was dry, so rather than respond, he just stroked his hand over his back slowly, even going so far as to slide it up into his hair to cradle his head, before working it back down. He knew what it was like to go without human contact for so long and the need for it could become so desperate. His eyes shut and he waited, knowing that he would probably have a harder time with this than Denyard would, after he reverted back to the man Anders had always known.

\---

The touches were an incredible comfort and it showed in the way he clutched Anders and nestled himself so tightly into his hold. But it wasn't long before his sobs quieted and his grip loosened. Eventually he pulled out of Anders’ hold, his eyes as vacant as they had always been as he used his sleeve to dry his cheeks. “Forgive me, touching his lyrium must have caused some sort of outburst. If you don't mind, I'd like to go sit by the fireplace while we talk about him.”

\---

His lids squeezed tighter and only when he’d pulled completely away did he open them. Still he said nothing, nodding and pushing himself up to his feet to move closer to where the fire was burning. Still near Fenris’ chair, but with the illusion of privacy and distance.

\---

Denyard took Fenris’ chair near the fireplace, wanting a little distance between himself and the being that had caused such a disruption for him. “Unfortunately there isn't any magic enchanting him, which means there is no spell or potion to counter this. My best guess is that the spell you saw hit him was one of the memory spells they practice in Tevinter. They have strong mind-altering magic that can make someone forget their entire lives. Clearly this spell can't have been all that powerful since he still knows his name and yours, but judging by how...excuse my words, aggressive and paranoid he is, I think the spell was extremely traumatic to his mind and it recreated some false memories to cope.”

\---

He listened to what he had to say and though it was entirely reasonable, it wasn’t really resonating with him. He knew of such memory spells and he knew that Fenris’ mind had been so altered, but he wasn’t convinced that it’d happened yesterday. It didn’t line up with how the day had played out and what he’d heard from Hawke and Isabela. Not that he’d stopped to hear Isabela out, but she’d mentioned the supposed ‘fistfight’ with no prompting.

“...But if it was such a memory spell, wouldn’t it have affected him immediately? He was fine when we parted, told me that he would see me later - it wasn’t until I came home that he was like this.” He shook his head, his eyes dropping to fix on the tips of his boots as he continued, his voice hesitant, as if not wanting to reveal what was forming on his tongue. “And if it was such a memory spell, is it possible for… multiple people to be hit? To experience the same… false memories?”

No, it wasn’t, he knew that, but some part of him wanted to hear otherwise to rid the budding realization that was forming and making him sick to his stomach.

\---

“No, the spell would hit each individual separately. They would create different false memories if they made any at all.” He studied Anders serenely, taking in his dread and analyzing it. “If other witnesses are supporting his version of events, I'm afraid it is your memory that was likely altered.”

\---

His breath shook and he shook his head in denial, even as his eyes grew glassy. The idea that his relationship with Fenris, that the years they’d spent together, during their relationship and before, might not have actually happened, might not be real, was enough to have him shaking. He took several deep breaths, trying so hard to keep himself composed and with a few false starts and the clearing of his throat, he spoke, his voice thin, “Um, I suppose that you should take a look at me then.”

\---

“I can if you like, but it isn't necessary. The spell will be out of your system already.” He spoke gently, though his voice was always low and placid. “The best thing you can do is have your friends help you return to your normal routine. Sometimes mind alterations like this can be reversed if the right stimulation is there to return your memories.”

\---

“What if it’s not that? I don’t remember getting hit by a spell and no one told me that I was…” He wasn’t convinced that was what had happened and if there was a hint of truth to it, he would revel in denial. “I’ve been with him for years, Denyard.”

\---

“It's only our best theory, Anders. It might not be any spell. But something has caused you to remember things differently than the others.” He looked over to the slumping elf. “I know you care deeply for this man, but for now you should probably keep your distance. I'm afraid he's a danger to you.”

\---

At that, Anders didn’t respond, refusing to think of the elf that way. “If there is nothing else you can do to help, then it is probably time to go.” He meant for him - he didn’t intend on leaving himself.

\---

“Probably so. That potion will wear off soon and it is best we are both gone. I know you don't feel it happened, but it seems you did hurt him yesterday so he will likely be very hostile now that we've come into his home and immobilized him.” He stood and smoothed his robes. “If things aren't feeling more normal in a few weeks, you're welcome to return to me. I may have more ideas by then.” He tipped his head as a parting gesture before starting out.

\---

“Thank you, I will come back.” He was going to figure this out, no matter what it took. He remained where he was, watching him take his leave. When he was gone, his eyes went back to the elf, the glassiness returning to them, though he forced it away. He knelt down in front of him, looking up at him with a smile so strained that it looked pained.

“I didn’t hurt you, why would I?” He reached for his hands and took them, squeezing them in his own. “It’s not me. It’s not.” He lowered his head to his lap, resting it there and shutting his eyes. Justice, it’s not just me, is it?

No, it’s not just you.

\---

It was a little while longer before the elf really started to stir. He groaned softly and his hands squeezed Anders’ out of reflex. He shifted as if trying to sit up a little more, looking groggy and miserable as he started to wake.

\---

The squeeze made his head shoot up and he looked at him with an expression that was pathetically hopeful. “It’s okay, love,” he assured him, as he had all throughout this. “You’re going to feel a little disoriented, but it’ll go away soon.”

\--- 

When be heard Anders’ voice, he startled. His eyes fell on the mage and began to focus. His lips pulled back in a snarl and he tugged his hands from his grip. “Leave me alone.” He was tensing and even starting to tremble a little, getting more upset the more his wits returned.

\---

“Fenris, whatever it is you think of me, none of it is true.” He sounded desperate, wanting him to just trust him. “I’m sorry I had to paralyse you again, but I’m trying to figure this out.” He took his hands again, holding them tightly in his own, though conscious not to cause him pain in his hold. “Please, just help me figure this out.”

\---

Fenris yanked his hands back away from him again and without thought, he punched the mage sharply in the jaw. He stood fast enough to knock the chair to the floor behind him, backing away from Anders. “Get out!” He shouted, sounding as alarmed as he did enraged. There was no telling what the mages could have been doing to him while he was out of it.

\---

The punch was hard enough to throw him to aside and he caught himself with his palms on the ground. He remained where he landed for a time, stunned and disbelieving, but as the pain began processing, he lifted a hand to touch his jaw. His head slowly lifted and he looked up at the elf, his eyes wide and full of hurt that seemed to shine the longer he stared at him.

 

He knew it wasn’t ‘technically’ the man he loved while he was like this, but he never would have believed that he would hurt him.

Never.

His eyes fell away from him, becoming lost as he failed to find purchase on anything else in the room, before closing entirely as he gave a few quiet, dry sobs that turned into soft weeping.

\---

His eyes went wide as he took in the display on the floor. It only agitated him further. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why are you acting like this?!” He rushed to the mage and bent enough to give him a vicious shove. “Fight me! Call me an asshole! Set me on fire if you want! Just stop whatever the fuck this is!”

\---

The elf only succeeded in hardening his tears, crying as he scrambled away from him on his hands and knees, over to the nearest wall where he pressed himself firmly. “Please stop.” His voice sounded broken and mourning, it finally hitting him just how serious this was.

\---

“You stop! Stop barging into my house and acting like you don't hope I fucking choke.” He'd never been quite so furious with the healer and he stormed toward him again, trying to drive him toward the door. “Get out before I have to drag you out!”

\---

The yelling and the aggression was finally having the desired effect and the mage practically tripped as he launched himself to his feet. He hurried out of the room and to the front door, so blind in his tears that if he didn’t know the way by heart, he probably would have fallen somewhere along the way.

\---

Hawke had been on his way to check in on Fenris after the bizarre night they'd had. He was just down the road when he saw a certain mage come flying out the door. He sprinted to meet him, his instinctive assumption being that Fenris would be chasing him, and when he caught him, he was surprised to find that Anders was sobbing. “Hey!” He caught the healer by the shoulders to stop him, knowing Fenris wouldn't pursue now that he was involved. “Hey, what just happened?!”

\---

He was so unaware of the world that he didn’t see Hawke until he practically stumbled into him after being grabbed. He gasped and then jerked away from him, backing up a few steps, and then continued on, fleeing past him, unable to handle speaking to or being seen by anyone while he was so distraught.

\---

When Anders ran from him, Hawke stood for a few beats, deciding whether or not to chase him. Instead he decided to enter the mansion to see what sort of state the warrior was in. It was his shortest visit with Fenris he'd ever had. The elf was screaming at him the moment he entered and when he failed to leave and tried to talk him into sitting down, he was shoved out the door. Instead he went home, deciding he'd best let both parties settle down.


	4. Chapter 4

When word got around that Anders hadn't opened his clinic in days, Isabela grew very concerned. It was so unlike him and he'd been so upset when Hawke had last seen him. Her lover had wanted to go check on their friend as well, but she insisted that she go alone. She wasn't always the most delicate lady in the world, but some matters still required a woman's touch.

She tapped on the clinic door, not wanting to invite herself in after all the distress he'd been in. If he wasn't ready to talk, she wouldn't force it.

\---

The knock on the door went ignored, as had many in the passing days. He’d opened it once or twice, only when the banging had been desperate, but he’d closed again immediately after. The healer of Darktown was refusing to see patients and was leaving the people everything from concerned to scared to angry.

He couldn’t bring himself to care, even with the spirit telling him that it wasn’t right, that it was selfish, he needed this time to figure out what was wrong.

—

When she was ignored, she began to wonder if he was even inside. The pirate cracked open the door and peeked inside in an unusually meek way. “Anders? You home, Handsome?”

\---

Anders was hunched at his desk, a pile of books in front of him along with a roll of parchment filled with all manner of notes scribbled. When the door creak he cursed under his breath, angry at himself for forgetting to lock it, and he twisted sharply to see who it was that was barging in.

He recognized her voice before her, the way she was poked in.

“Isabela? What is it?” He sat back and turned in his chair, frowning, but willing to listen and see what she needed. He assumed it had something to do with Hawke, but he just didn’t have time for one of his missions right now.

—

He at least didn't scream at her to get out, so that was an improvement over the attempts people had made with the elf. “I want to talk to you. I've been worried and you know I can't go more than a few days without seeing those gorgeous eyes of yours.” There was more concern than flirtation in her tone as she stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She moved closer and took the seat closest to his desk.

\---

He gave a huff and shook his head, returning his attention to his desk. “I’m fine, just busy.” He wasn’t surprised by the visit, but it benefited neither of them.

—

“You're not fine. You look like you haven't slept in days.” She folded her arms beneath her breasts, studying him closely. “I can see that you're busy with something, but I'm sure you can spare me five minutes. I just want to understand what's wrong so maybe I can help.”

\---

“You can’t help me, so just leave it.” He didn’t want to talk about it, especially since no one would take him seriously about it. It hurt and the ache he’d felt since fleeing from the place he’d come to regard as home had been constant.

—

“You don't know that.” She looked down to the books, which made her all the more curious about his troubles, then back to him. “If it was me, I know you wouldn't leave until you'd at least gotten me to tell you what was wrong.”

—

“I already tried to talk to Hawke - he can’t help. No one can.” The only ones he was putting any faith in were fellow mages and so far they’d been unable to help him, but he hadn’t given up hope that there was an answer that would satisfy him.

—

“You tried to talk to him and he was confused and doesn't understand enough to help yet. He's so worried about you, we all are.” Isabela’s tone was gentle, far different from the playful one she usually used. “I'm a good listener. What will it hurt to talk to me?”

\---

He shook his head to himself, not really believing her claims of group concern. She was here, however, so he sat back roughly, huffing.

“What do you want me to say, Isabela? My boyfriend thinks we hate each other and that I punched him. You all seem to think I punch him on the regular and to top it off he punched me, apparently also a common occurrence.”

“Either you all have gone crazy or I have, but I don’t want to sit here and talk about it. I want to fix it, so if you don’t mind, I’m busy.”

—

It was so incredibly odd to hear him talk like that. If he wasn't so upset, she'd have struggled to keep a straight face when he spoke of his ‘boyfriend’.

“Even if you remember things differently, that doesn't have to affect your relationship going forward. Why don't you tell me what your relationship with Fenris is like? Maybe if we can ease him into some of your old routines, it would help. Even if he doesn't think your relationship was ever like that, it might feel natural to him and help him remember…” Or just want to hook up with him for the first time.

\---

“He hates me, Isabela, I’m not going to be able to convince him that he actually loves me like this. I have to figure out what happened, why none of you remember us being together.” He became increasingly worked up as he went on. “Hawke made me promise that I wouldn’t hurt him. Hurt him. I don’t know who all of you think I am, but you’re all strangers to me.”

—

“We're as confused as you are, Handsome. But your truth is a lot better than the truth we know. So if there's any chance you're the one that's right or if there is any way to change your relationship with Fenris to be like the one you remember, we want to help.” She reached out to touch his arm lightly. “He hates who he thinks you are. Once we show him you're not someone who would ever want to hurt him, he'll calm down and we can show him what your relationship can be like…”

\---

Anders shook his head, resistant, his throat swelling with emotion that he struggled to swallow down. “That’s not Fenris. I don’t want to start a relationship with this man that hates me, I want to go back to how it’s supposed to be with the man that loves me.” He couldn’t bring himself to face her, his eyes stuck firmly on the desk in front of him, his hands clutching at each other in his lap.

\---

“I’m sorry he’s not like you remember. But if you’re sure he’s the one you want, it’s worth trying to get it back, isn’t it? Like I said, he hates you because of the history he knows of you. But if we show him that’s not who you are, that you love him and you’d never hurt him, I think that ice will chip off of him for you.” She could see he was getting even more upset and she stroked his arm lightly where she touched him. “You don’t have to decide if you want to try right now. I know you’re going through a lot and I want you to feel better.”

\---

She was not normally like this and it was odd, but he was too wrapped up in the topic at hand to think about it. “I am trying to get it back, just not the way you want me to.” He pulled his arm away from her and ended up lifting it to cover his eyes.

“...I know it really happened. Justice remembers all of it, it’s not just me. I don’t know what this is, but it’s not just me.”

\---

It was strange that the spirit would have the same false memories, but then, they were one mind for the most part. She watched him with a frown, at a loss for what to do. “...Is there anything I can do to help, Handsome? If nothing else, you could stay with me and Hawke if you don’t want to be alone.”

\---

He was silent for a while. “I’ll bring my books.” He didn’t intend to stop what he was doing, but he was miserable. In most circumstances, he would have dismissed the offer, but holed up as he was, he was crying too much to be as productive as he wanted to be.

\---

“Good.” She looked relieved at that, glad she could do something for the distraught mage. She stood from the chair and bend to press a kiss to the top of his head. “We’ll see you tonight, okay?”

\---

The mage didn’t respond, too busy forcing himself to be okay. Dropping his hand from his eyes, easing the tension in his shoulders, grabbing his quill, and trying to pick up where he left off. He had agreed and at the moment, he intended to follow through, but whether or not he actually showed up would remain to be seen.

\---

When it seemed he wasn't going to answer her, she turned to go. At least he might have some company for whatever he was going through. She paused in the doorway of the clinic briefly to look back at him, then headed off to tell Hawke how the exchange had gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Hawke was relieved to have Anders staying with them. They still didn’t know exactly what was wrong with him, so it was best to keep a close eye on him. The healer seemed completely preoccupied with his books, but he and Isabela checked in on him and tried to make conversation with him when he’d allow himself to be interrupted. He wouldn’t join them for any meals, but he at least seemed content to eat while he worked if they brought food to him. It had been a few days since Isabela had approached him in his clinic and unfortunately none of them were any closer to figuring out what had happened.

The rogue was in the living room when he heard a knock on the door and was surprised to see Fenris being lead in from the foyer a moment later. He rose to his feet, looking pleased to see him but also a little anxious. Hopefully word hadn’t gotten to him that Anders was here and he didn’t show up just to pick a fight. “Good to see you, Fenris. We’ve been worried about you. Isabela said you kicked her out as fast as you kicked me out last week…”

Fenris looked exhausted and miserable, but his lips quirked up just slightly at that. “I wasn’t ready for any more company and I’m not here to talk about any of that. I heard some talk around town about a group of slavers that are snatching up elves from the Alienage at night. I was going to go by myself, but it sounds like there are enough of them that I’d best take you with me.”

\---

Anders was in the guest room he’d locked himself in since he’d arrived. Being here was nice. The knocking on the door was infrequent and the fact that it was often accompanied by food was welcome. He didn’t have much of an appetite, but he wasn’t trying to harm himself, so if the food was there, he ate it willingly enough. He had better control of himself here and so he only fell into tears once or twice, and both times he got over it quickly enough.

Still, he wasn’t finding what he needed and was growing increasingly frustrated while the ever present ache he carried showed no signs of fading.

It was as he was skimming through a book he’d already read and dismissed, thinking he might have missed something, that he heard a familiar rumbling through the wall. He stilled and as his ears focused on the sound, he recognized the voice for what it was. His entire body filled with tension as his expression, a picture of concentration moments before, broke and he found himself clutching at the edge of the desk as if he would fall without it.

\---

“We both know it’s not safe to go slaver hunting at night as a pair. But I definitely think this is something we should take care of right away.” Hawke said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ll get a group together and we’ll head out there tonight. Hopefully we’ll catch them in the act and we can settle the matter right away.”

“I’m sure we could handle it.” Fenris grumbled, looking annoyed but not at all surprised. “If you must, I don’t want any mages involved. At all.”

“Fenris, don’t be like that. Merrill could be very helpful to draw the slavers out. And if we run into trouble, we need a strong healer like -”

“No.” Fenris cut him off sharply. “We aren’t using a blood mage for bait. And we don’t need a healer. We just have to cut them down before they cut us down.”

“It’s not your decision to make. I’m not going to endanger anyone tonight because you have a problem with Anders. Besides, you look terrible already, no offense. You’re tired and you’re angry and you’re probably going to make mistakes. If you weren’t the one who brought this to me, I wouldn’t bring you along.” As much as he sounded exasperated with the bigoted elf, concern came through in his tone as well.

The elf huffed and turned his back on the rogue. “Forget I said anything to you. I’ll handle this myself.” He started to storm off, but Hawke had caught him by the arm.

“We’ll all go together tonight. You’re not going alone and you’re not going to complain about any help I choose to bring.” Hawke insisted, keeping hold of his arm though he was well aware of the flare of lyrium and the dangerous stare he was getting from the warrior.

\---

He couldn’t bring himself to do more than sit there, but while he was listening for the voices, he could hear most of the conversation, missing words only here and there. What he did hear wasn’t surprising, having accepted that as things were, Fenris wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, but it deepened the wound that was already festering.

Part of him wanted to go, to make sure that he was safe and help with something that was important to him, important enough to act, but he knew that he wasn’t wanted or welcome. If Hawke tried to drag him along, he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to go, not if he would be treated to the same attitude he’d been given before. It was too hard.

\---

After a little more bickering between the two of them, the elf had gone and Hawke found himself outside of Anders’ guest room door. He sighed heavily and after a moment of hesitation, he knocked softly. He knew it would be hard to talk the mage into this, considering his recent encounters with Fenris, but he at least needed to talk to him about it.

\---

The knock came sooner than he thought it would and this time, unlike any other, he didn’t respond. Perhaps if he pretended to be asleep Hawke would leave him be and then he wouldn’t have to make any decisions. He was in terrible need of sleep, as had been pointed out to him more than once, so he figured if he remained reclusive for the rest of the night, he would be left alone.

\---

“Anders…” Hawke said through the door after a long moment of being ignored. It occurred to him that the mage could be asleep, so he just spoke without continuing to knock. “He looks terrible, he’s in no condition to go out and pick fights tonight. I’d feel better if you were out to help if he needs it…” It felt so strange to try to use concern for Fenris to get Anders to do something, but he knew it was his best chance.

\---

He frowned, wondering why he’d look ‘terrible’ - he was the one unaware of what they’d lost. For a time, it seemed that he meant to keep up his charade, but eventually he rose to his feet, not without struggle, and made his way to the door. He wasn’t even sure if Hawke would still be standing there when he opened it, but he looked just as terrible if not worse than the elf as he peered out of the  doorway.

\---

He looked relieved when Anders opened the door and smiled a little. “I know you’re in no shape to be out with us either.” Really in far worse shape than the elf, but at least Anders wouldn’t be on the front line. “But hopefully you won’t even need to heal anyone. You can just hang back in case something happens. And I’ll stay between you and Fenris in case he gets...like he gets.”

\---

“He doesn’t want me there.” He’d managed to reign in his expression, but there was an overall look of misery that he couldn’t quite overcome. He shook his head faintly. “You don’t need me… If something happens, you can just bring them to me here.” He knew that it wasn’t safe for them to be out without him, but it would be far from the first time that Hawke had dragged them out on an adventure and left him behind. The chances of one of them being gravely injured in a way that required a healer on hand was slim, especially if Hawke brought enough of them with him.

\---

“But I want you there and you know as well as I do that it might be too late by the time we’d get someone back here to you.” Hawke thought for a moment, then added a note of encouragement to his tone before he went on. “Besides, the best way to show Fenris that you mean him no harm would be to go on a mission with him and leave him alone, right?”

\---

It was the point he expected him to make and he was prepared to dismiss it, but as he continued, the mage deflated. His eyes fell and he fix them on the ground between them, before eventually shutting them. “Fine.” He couldn’t bear to discuss it any further than that, so he proceeded to shut the door in the rogue’s face, pulling away from it and shuffling back to his chair.

\---

It wasn’t an enthused response, but it was at least an agreement. Hawke left Anders alone then, returning to his living room. When Isabella showed up later in the evening, he explained the situation to her and when it drew near the time they were supposed to meet Fenris out at the Alienage, he returned to the healer’s door. He knocked on it, finding himself tense and rather dreading putting the pair together this evening. “Anders? You ready?”

\---

As with before, it took some time for the door to open, but when it did, Anders was in his robes, complete with jacket, and had his staff strapped to his back. This time the door opened fully and he stepped out of the room, looking even more exhausted than he had earlier. “Mind if I use your cellar to stop by the clinic? I need lyrium.” The lack of proper self-care meant that his reserves were reduced.

\---

“Sure. Go ahead, we’ll meet you by Merrill’s place. We figured we’d pick her up, then go find our cranky elf.” He hadn’t exactly gotten Fenris to comply with the plan of going as a group, but he trusted the elf not to really go off and do this on his own.

\---

With a nod, Anders started to the cellar, making his way down into it and to the secret passage that let out right in front of his clinic. It was quite the coincidence that the city was laid out as thus, but he wouldn’t complain. He grabbed a few things from his clinic and when he was done, made the trek to Lowtown and the Alienage.

\---

When she saw Anders coming, Isabela rushed to meet him. Merrill and Hawke were nearby having a conversation in whispers, pausing only briefly when Isabela left their side. The pirate linked her arm with Anders’ and continued the walk to the others with him, a smile on her lips. “Good to see you in action, Handsome. If you’re ready, we’ll go find our strapping warrior.”

\---

He allowed her to take his arm, if for no other reason then that it made walking easier, but he frowned when she spoke. “Please don’t.” He knew she was referring him that way for his benefit and it wasn’t appreciated, not when he felt the way he did.

\---

“Alright, I’m sorry.” She knew he was exhausted so she kept their arms locked and walked along with him. “Come along, kittens.” She heard Hawke snort, but he and Merrill followed along. It didn’t take long to find the warrior, stalking along an alleyway. His eyes found Anders immediately and he immediately shot Hawke a hateful look. It was hard to see in the darkness, but he looked exhausted and disheveled. Not in the way Anders did, but it was still quite noticeable. He hadn’t been distraught like the healer, but being immobilized and made easily vulnerable to a death strike two nights in a row by unwelcomed mages in his home and made him extremely paranoid and he’d busied himself with securing the doors and windows. “I said no mages and you bring two abominations.”

\---

Laying eyes on him had been a punch to the gut and he stared, despondent, wanting to see him smile and open up his arms to him, like he would have before all of this. So when he heard what he had to say, he turned in towards Isabela, eyes falling down and saying nothing. He’d known that he wouldn’t be welcome, but that didn’t make it any easier to listen to another rejection of his presence.

\---

Isabela used her free hand to give Anders’ arm a gentle stroke, seeing the hurt all over his face. It was bizarre to her still, but she knew he was genuinely hurting.

“What’s wrong with you, mage? No comments about handing me off to these slavers?” Fenris growled as he moved closer to the group, though Hawke moved in to keep him from getting too close to Anders. “I’m sure that’s why you agreed to come. You’d like to see me dragged off in chains before dawn.” The words were spiteful, but there was a note of fear beneath the animosity. If this were all some strange act and the mage really did want him dead now, he’d be in serious trouble if Anders decided to help the slavers even just a little.

“Enough, now.” Isabela fussed, walking onward with Anders. “Let’s get the job done and go home.”

\---

To look at him, there was no reaction, but Isabela would feel the way his arm tightened around hers the way that he had to press more weight into her, as if unable to keep himself up without the support. His eyes welled, but not enough to be obvious, especially with the way they were fixed on the ground, even as they began to move again.

\---

“What’s wrong? Demon caught your tongue? Or are you saving your taunts for when you get me killed out here tonight?” Fenris was a fair distance from them, Hawke and Isabela made sure of it, but his eyes were fixed sharply on the healer. Hawke sighed, knowing it normally did no good to tell either of them to cut it out.

“Fenris, stop. Anders would never want you hurt. He’s here to make sure you don’t get killed, even if you’re being a huge jackass.” Isabela said, giving Anders’ arm another stroke. It would likely confuse the elf even more, but maybe she could help convince him that Anders’ version of things was the right one.

\---

Again, Anders didn’t respond. It didn’t end up mattering, since Isabela said the only thing he could have for him. Coming from either of them, he was sure it wasn’t believed, but they had to start somewhere. It just broke his heart that this was the starting place. It wasn’t like him to stay so close to anyone, even the elf when they were in public, but he made no move to put any distance between him or the pirate.

\---

Fenris gave up before long on spitting taunts at Anders, the silence unnerving him just as all of the mage’s odd behavior had unnerved him lately. When they found the pack of slavers trying to tug a gagged young elf down an alley, Fenris rushed in ahead of the others. He was wild and reckless, needing to take all of his anxiety out on these men. Hawke raced after him to help and Merrill stayed back a little to lend her magic to the fight, which only seemed to agitate  Fenris further when he started seeing spells landing. Isabela stayed back with Anders, wanting to support him physically as much as mentally unless she was really needed in the fight. “This will help.” She murmured to the healer. “He’ll see you don’t want to fight him.”

\---

The mage tensed when the battle got started and even though Isabela was staying back with him, he couldn’t bring himself to just stand there. He took a few steps closer, not acknowledging what she had to say, and sent a couple of bolts of lightning at the slavers when he got a clear shot at them, but in doing so, he ended up pressing even more weight into the rogue.

\---

Isabela had to adjust her hold on him, surprised by how much of his weight she was supporting. She didn’t doubt that if she were to let go of him, he’d topple over. “Anders...don’t overdo it. You’re exhausted and they’re doing fine…” They did seem to be holding their own in the fight very well, though Fenris was holding one arm as if he’d hurt it. She doubted the elf would let the healer get near it, but maybe she could work her magic and get a little contact between the two of them that way.

\---

Seeing how much he was struggling, Justice pushed forward. Not enough to take over, but enough to force the mage to draw on him, which gave him a little strength as he lit up the darkness around them. “I’m fine,” he murmured, though who he was speaking to wasn’t quite clear to him. It allowed him to pull back from her a little and he was able to assist with another few spells as the fight began to dwindle.

\---

When it was over, Hawke went straight to the elf the men had been trying to take. He untied the man and began to question him about if there were any others or if he had any idea where they could have taken the other elves. Fenris went off on his own, finding a quiet place nearby to look over the fracture in his arm.

“You did really well, Handsome.” Isabela said softly to Anders, keeping her hold on him even if he was taking more of his own weight at the moment. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll pay Fenris a visit and see if I can convince him to have you look at his arm?” A night of hurting might make him more agreeable to it.

\---

“I doubt it.” Even the Fenris that had come to trust him had struggled with his healing magic. They’d gotten past it, but it’d taken a lot of work to get there. This Fenris, who thought he was out to hurt him or get him killed, would never trust him to heal him.

“I want to go home.” He wasn’t talking about anywhere in particular, be it the clinic, Hawke’s place, or even Fenris’ place, he just didn’t want to be here any longer.

\---

“Alright, they’ve got this handled.” She did mean to talk to the elf, but not tonight. The pirate used her arm in his to turn them, offering just a little wave to her lover when he glanced their way to let him know they were leaving. “Let’s go home. We’ll get you a bite to eat and some rest.”

\---

As they turned, Justice eased back, not realizing how much he’d been propping the mage up and as soon as the light faded, Anders fell into Isabela. It helped to cushion his fall, but he still ended up on the ground, passed out and unmoving.

\---

“Anders!” Isabela dropped to her knees, trying to support his head at least once he was down. She shook him hard and in a heartbeat, both Hawke and Merrill were there, trying to figure out what had happened. Even Fenris returned, standing over Isabela’s shoulder and cradling his arm across his torso. The mage had been so jarringly strange lately and now he just collapsed without having ever been near the battle. He didn’t know what to think, but he at least needed to make sure there wasn’t any more danger here he hadn’t seen.

\---

Anders was unresponsive to the shaking and though Justice was still aware, it was difficult for him to take back over when the mage was actively unconscious. He wanted to help get them back up, but he couldn’t. He looked as terrible as he had all night, but his expression had a peace to it that had been lacking since all of this started.

\---

Hawke moved Isabela aside and pulled Anders up into his arms. He was at a loss for what to do because of course if it was anyone else, he’d take them straight to Anders. “Come on, we need to get him to bed at least.” He started for home with Isabela on his heels so the two of them could get him settled in bed.


	6. Chapter 6

It wasn’t until the next morning that Anders awoke and when he did, he was terribly disoriented. He pushed himself up, finding himself in the guest room and tucked beneath blankets that he had no recollection of getting under. He tried remembering what happened, but the last thing he could recall was the battle with the slavers and then nothing. He felt like death and as he swung his legs off of the bed to stand on unsteady legs, he was informed that he’d passed out from exhaustion and that he’d been asleep since.

The mage groaned and started to move to the desk, but it took only a few steps for him to realize his need to relieve himself as went for the door instead, making his way to the bathroom nearby.

\---

Hawke was out in town but Isabela had stayed over later than she usually did in the morning to check in on Anders. He’d still been out cold the last time she’d peeked in at him, but she heard movement in the house near his room so she headed that way to investigate. When she found his room empty, she realized that he was likely getting something to eat or in the restroom, so she waited for him by the doorway, relieved that he was at least awake.

\---

He glanced at himself in the mirror when he finished, but he didn’t look long. Before he’d started living with Fenris, he hadn’t had access to proper mirrors and he hadn’t noticed the decline in his appearance until they’d become a pair. Living with him had reversed the ‘damage’ his lifestyle had done, but even back then he hadn’t looked as haggered as he did right now.

He made his way back to the guest room, his steps slowing when he saw Isabela standing there. He frowned, intending on shuffling past her and getting back to work, though he did greet her with a grunt.

\---

“Hey, how are you feeling?” She asked, not intending to let him close the door on her before she could at least check in with him. It was promising at least that he was on his feet without her help.

\---

“I’m fine.” He didn’t feel good, but he’d gotten some sleep that he’d needed and so he could get back to what he needed to do. The previous night was a bit of a blur and he couldn’t quite remember what had happened near the end of it, but he did know that they’d managed to accomplish their task, at least, so he wasn’t concerned about it.

\---

“We were all worried about you.” She said softly and couldn’t help the slight smirk that pulled at her lips. “Even Fenris. Broken arm and all, he came over to see you when you passed out last night. He didn’t say anything, but he stood there until Hawke carried you home.”

\---

At that, his frown deepened. “I’m sure he just came to see if I finally died or not.” There was something bitter to his words and he moved past her, going into the room. “I have work to do.” He grabbed the door and shut it firmly, but ended up leaning against it and covering his face in his hands. If only Fenris would worry or care, but he knew that he didn’t. He couldn’t care less about him.

\---

“You know, I’m really getting tired of you shutting doors in my face. I’m trying to tell you that I think last night helped.” The pirate sighed heavily. “Anyway, I’m going to go talk to him today. If he’ll let you, will you fix his arm?”

\---

He didn’t believe her and he didn’t feel bad for shutting her out. He wasn’t going to respond until she mentioned fixing his arm. His hands dropped from his face and he tipped his head back against the door, making a louder ‘thunk’ than he intended.

“You already know the answer to that.” Why wouldn’t he help the man that he loved if he would allow him to?

\---

“I’ll see what I can do.” Isabela was doubtful, but the elf had at least seemed more confused than malicious by the time they parted ways last night. If nothing else, he might agree to see the mage briefly if only because he wouldn’t be able to do much of anything on his own with his arm the way it was. She headed out to visit the elf, knowing she’d really have to work her charm to get anywhere with him.

It was late that afternoon when she returned, a smile on her lips when she knocked at the healer’s door. “Anders? You still awake?”

\---

In the passing hours, Anders had left the house to talk to someone who he thought might be able to help him and pick up some more books and by the time Isabela had returned, he was back to it, hunkered over his desk and reading the book in front of him closely, as if worried missing a single sentence would keep him from the answers he needed.

“I’m busy,” he called, dismissing her as he often did when he wasn’t ready to be interrupted.

\---

“Too busy to see Fenris?” She asked through the door, not surprised at his response to her. It had taken a lot of convincing for the elf to agree to even let Anders look at his arm and from the sound of it, he may not even let the healer do anything for it as averse as he was to magic. But it was a start.

\---

He straightened up and turned to look at the door, as if expecting to see the elf standing right there. With only a slight delay, the door opened and he peeked out of it, his eyes finding her and then looking past her, though he wouldn’t be surprised if he was meant to go to him. Still, if he was there, he couldn’t help but look for him.

\---

She saw his eyes look past her and she shook her head. “He’s in the living room. He said you can look at it but under no circumstances can you use any magic. I think if anything he might let you set it, he’s just got it in some shoddy sling he made right now.”

\---

That sounded about right, like the Fenris he use to know. When they first met and he still didn’t trust him. When they use to snipe at each other. That hadn’t lasted long, though, and desperately wanted to know why it seemed to everyone else that it had. Why it seemed to have gotten so bad.

“Okay, but I’ll need some things to set it and wrap it properly…” He’d need something sturdy to stabilize it so he wouldn't be able to move it while it healed. He opened the door the rest of the way and nodded at her to move so he could step out.

\---

Isabela looked quite pleased and moved out of his way. “I can get anything you need for it.” She did want to stay nearby for as much of the encounter as she could though. She needed to make sure a fight didn’t break out, but more importantly she wanted all the juicy details.

\---

He made his way to the living room and when he saw Fenris sitting there, his heart picked up. He glanced at him and then his eyes fell to his arm in its sling. “Hi…” he spoke awkwardly, moving to stand near where he was sitting. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself, so he sat down on the couch, giving him plenty of space as he did so, failing to look up at his face after his initial glance.

\---

“Hi.” His tone was low and wary, but not vicious. He was tense and kept himself tucked tightly on his side of the couch. His eyes were sharp and studied the mage closely, seeming to be searching for something.

\---

For a long moment he just sat there, unsure of how to approach this. “Um, I guess take off your sling so I can look at it.” He scooted a little closer on the couch, before turning his attention to Isabela. “Go get me a couple of dowels or something like that and some bandages.” If she couldn’t find anything like that, he’d probably have her stop in the clinic to grab some supplies for him there.

\---

“Sure thing.” Isabela went off to fetch what he’d asked for, but only after she made sure Fenris didn’t lash out when the mage moved closer. Fenris shifted uneasily, but didn’t move away when Anders moved closer. Part of him was still convinced this was some strange act. But if it was, he’d had opportunities to kill him or do whatever he meant to do while he was vulnerable, but the mage hadn’t taken them. After some hesitation, Fenris eased off his sling with a wince, cradling his arm to take some pressure off of the break.

\---

He scooted a little closer still, so he was within reach. He reached out as if to touch it, but stopped before he actually did so. “Can I look at it?” That was why he was here, of course, but he remembered that taking it slowly and asking permission had helped make him comfortable before.

\---

The elf had leaned away a little out of instinct, but he knew it needed to be set so he forced himself back into his original position after a beat. “...Yes. But no magic.” His tone suggested he’d not allow any argument to that. He wouldn’t allow this for another moment if the man’s hands started glowing.

\---

He gave a slight nod and then touched his arm gingerly. Magic would make this process easier in every way, but he knew what to do even without it and he could tell by touch alone how out of place the bone was. The touch wasn’t as painful as it would’ve been if he wasn’t working - it allowed him to focus on the problem at hand, not how much he missed the feel of him.

“Okay, I’m going to have to set it.” The elf already knew how it worked, but he told him what he was going to have to do regardless, taking hold of his arm firmly, though still not so much as to aggravate his tattoos. “Ready?”

\---

Fenris drew a soft, hissing breath when his arm was touched, but he kept still for his examination. As baffling as it was, he noticed that this man knew just how to touch him. Now and back at the mansion when he’d held his hands, he seemed to know better than anyone else how to touch him firmly without hurting him. “Go ahead.” He said through clenched teeth, bracing himself for the pain.

\---

He really did wish he could just use magic for this, but he was relieved that he was being allowed to fix it at all. He proceeded to pull on his arm, aligning the bones, before easing off slowly. When it was done, he gave his arm a squeeze where he’d held it, a silent apology for causing him pain, before sliding his hand up to check the break.

“Much better.” His eyes glanced up to him briefly and there was a little warmth in his expression, though there was something timid to it.

\---

His body had tensed so much it felt like it might snap. Other than a muffled grunt, he’d stayed quiet during the setting. He was taking hard, ragged breaths to cope with the pain and when Anders’ gaze met his, he looked miserable. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt so badly if he’d had it set right away. But at least it wasn’t like all of the other hateful looks he’d given the mage lately.

\---

When his gaze was met, he held it for a beat, and then looked down at his arm. He was still touching him and he final focused on it and how good it felt. He couldn’t bring himself to let go and while he was waiting for Isabela to return, he had an excuse to continue to do so. His eyes rose from where the break was and settled on a scar further up his arm. It wasn’t a scar he recognized and yet… it looked oddly familiar to him.

His brows furrowed as he studied it, trying to figure it out.

\---

Fenris’ breathing eased as he adjusted to the pain. His arm had already been somewhat swollen from the break and now it was swelling further from the setting. It wasn’t much longer before Isabela returned and she smiled to see the two still so close on the couch. “Here you are, dowels and bandages.” She said as she set the supplies in his reach.

\---

He snapped back into focus when she returned and grabbed the supplies so that he could wrap his arm securely. He used the dowels to prevent him from jostling his arm and wrapped the bandages snuggly for him, telling him that he ought to have them replaced every few days, especially if he got them wet. It was as he was tying it off that his eyes went back to the scar and he stilled, realization hitting him visibly.

His mouth fell open and he shook his head. “I healed that.” He recognized it because he’d been there when he’d gotten wounded and he’d healed it for him, so that no scar ever had the chance to form. “The Tal Vashoth hit you with a spear and I healed it for you.” That scar shouldn’t be there and the fact that it was made his breath quicken, a strange panic filling his stomach. “That shouldn’t be there, I healed it.” Tears sprung in his eyes and he reached for it, as if he would wipe it away with his fingers, as if it wasn’t real.

\---

It took him a moment to realize what it was he was going on about and he looked down to the scar with a confused frown. There was anxiety in his tone, again uneasy with the strange behavior in the mage. “I never let you heal anything that won’t kill me. I don’t even know how you knew what that scar is from.” Hawke hadn’t tried to force them to come together for Anders to heal that particular wound, after all.

\---

He shook his head stubbornly, the tears building and threatening to break. “I healed it.” That the scar was there was just proof that it was him. That there was something wrong with him, that their version of events was right and that the life he knew had never happened.

“Fenris,” he croaked, unable to help himself, launching himself at him as if to fall into his arms.

\---

The elf was so stunned that he he didn’t manage to move in time. He’d leaned back, but he still wound up with a mage clinging to him. His lyrium flashed and he tried to pull back, though he was too confused to put much heart into it. “What happened to you? Why do you think you healed that?”

\---

He ended up clutching at him desperately, his head falling to his shoulder as he wept. He forgot that Isabela was there and his entire world seemed to reduce to the elf in his arms. “I healed it. You let me, you trust me. You know I would never hurt you and you let me use my magic. You love me, so why did this happen?” The building distress was coming out of him in a giant wave and the elf was hit with all of it.

\---

Fenris shook his head, trying to get his good arm between them to pry the other away. “No. You never heal me unless Hawke makes you. If you recognize that scar, maybe you remember the one from you.” He tipped his chin up, showing a small scar beneath the curve of his jaw. “Do you remember that uppercut? Because I sure as hell do.”

“Fenris…” Isabela was still nearby and she stepped in, not wanting to let this get out of hand. “Remember what we talked about? This isn’t the same man who did those things to you. I don’t know how it changed, but this person has never hurt you.”

\---

He didn’t look at the scar indicated and while the mention of it made him let out a sob, it was what Isabela had to say that really broke him. He wasn’t the person they knew and they weren’t the people he knew. This man wasn’t Fenris, wasn’t the man he loved. “You’re not him,” he gasped, pulling back from him and giving him the space he wanted. “You’re not Fenris.” He ended up stumbling to his feet, having to clutch at the couch for support. “I have to find him.” He didn’t know what that even meant, but he couldn’t accept that it had all been in his head.

\---

Fenris was on his feet as soon as he was freed, backing toward the door. He still wished the other would do something that would make sense. Insult him, shove him, anything he would normally do.

“He is Fenris. He just doesn’t know you yet.” Isabela said in an attempt to soothe him. She wasn’t sure if he would be any more like the Fenris Anders thought he knew once he did get to know him, but the truth was that none of them really knew him yet.

\---

“No.” If he was right, if he hadn’t made all of this up, his Fenris was somewhere. He couldn’t abandon him. “I have to find him.” He repeated this to himself, quieter, heading for the bedroom so he could hole himself back up. Nothing else mattered and he didn’t spare either of them another look, unaware of how insane he seemed as he left.

\---

Fenris and Isabela exchanged a look but before she could say a word, the elf turned and left. His arm was set and he’d had enough of this madness for the day. Isabela looked toward Anders’ bedroom and sighed. She’d done what she could do for now. There would be no getting through to him until he realized there was no other Fenris for him to find. In the meantime, she and Hawke could continue to check on him and try to support him through whatever this was.


	7. Chapter 7

The weeks that followed the exchange in the living room had seen no improvement in the mage. If anything, he looked worse, but it didn’t stop him from the task at hand. Even when day after day resulted in nothing. Even when conversation after conversation and book after book produced no answers. Even when Justice, who himself was struggling with these developments, grew impatient with him and disturbed him more and more frequently, he refused to give up.

That is until he woke up from passing out once again. It happened fairly often, passing out every couple of days for a few hours, but this time when he woke, he didn’t know what to do himself. He’d run out of books, he’d run out of people to talk to, and he’d only been conscious for a few minutes when the spirit started in about the people he was neglecting.

The scream was sudden and loud, followed by the sound of crashing books as he swept them off the table. The chair was thrown at a wall and when it failed to break, he grabbed it and swung it this way and that, throwing it against everything in his path until one of the legs flew off and he dropped it. Flames shot from his hands and he effectively set the room ablaze, though thankfully much of the structure was stone and only some of the furniture within actually took.

The books in particular, many borrowed, burned, as did all of the pointless notes he’d taken. Smoke began to fill the room, but the mage didn’t care and he stooped to grab one of the few books that hadn’t caught fire to throw it out of the window, shattering it and, to some degree, providing an escape for the building smoke.

\---

Hawke heard the scream and rushed from his bedroom to the guest room. His gut told him that there had to be an intruder and he readied his blades, pulling open the door. He only peered inside for a moment before closing it again. It seemed Anders was finally having a meltdown and to be honest with himself, he wasn’t really surprised. If he thought there was anything he could do to calm or comfort the other, he’d step in. But Anders hadn’t let anyone in to help him with this and now wasn’t going to be the time to change that. He left him to let his rage out on the room, hoping that maybe he’d feel a little better after working some of his feelings out.

\---

There was a few more loud crashes, before Anders stumbled out of the room, coughing. Smoke unfurled from the doorway and the walls within flickered with light, but the mage wasn’t particularly concerned about it. He made his way to the living room and sank down onto the floor beside the couch, leaning into it and shutting his eyes. He was shaking and despite having pissed off Justice, the spirit was quiet, giving him time to pull himself back together.

\---

Hawke continued to give him his space, letting him regroup while he went to fetch water. It took him some time to put out the fires and he looked over the wreckage when it was finished. Between the breakage and the blaze, very little furniture had survived. He sighed and came back into the hallway, damp and smeared with ash. In the meantime, he’d need to set up another guest room.

\---

When he finally calmed down enough to realize what he’d done, he felt horribly guilty. He not only destroyed a friend’s property, but a friend that had been tolerating him for weeks. He couldn’t imagine how expensive his fit had been and he already knew that he’d never be able to pay him back for it, not unless he abandoned his clinic and forfeited all of his earnings on missions for the foreseeable future.

Covering his face with a hand, he sank forward and hunkered there, listening as the rogue worked to fix his mistake, rather than coming to scream at him being such an bastard. He could hear what he was doing, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and help - he didn’t want to face him after that.

\---

Only when he’d gotten the other room ready did he make his way out to the living room to find Anders. “Hey, I took your clothes and put them in the bedroom on the west side of the house. Sorry, I don’t have an extra desk to put in there, but the bed is bigger.” He was worried about him, but his smirk was kind enough. “Can I get you anything? Water, maybe?”

\---

He tensed when he heard him near, expecting the worst, so what he ended up having to say surprised him. There was a long pause as Anders registered it and his tone. “I’m sorry,” he finally croaked, his voice rough and in need of the offered water.

\---

“It’s not a big deal, as long as you’re okay.” He let his side then, returning with a glass of water. He crouched beside him offered the glass. “Here, drink this.”

\---

His hand fell from his face and he watched him go, stunned by how simply he brushed the damage aside. When he returned, the mage took the glass from him, staring at him for a long moment, before looking away so he could take a deep drink of it. He downed over half of it and set it on the floor beside him. “Thank you.” He sounded a little better and he looked back to him, “I should probably start staying in the clinic.” He couldn’t put him out any more and the spirit had worn him down - he would have to reopen it if he was going to continue on in this place.

\---

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, especially after today. Maybe you could spend some time at your clinic and some time here? Like I said, I already set up a room for you…” If Anders had a fit like this at the clinic, there may be no one there to put out the fires.

\---

He hesitated, his eyes flicking between the rogue’s slowly. “Are you sure?” Despite this, he was doing better here than he had been in the clinic, so if he treated this as a place to come back to, it might be better for him.

\---

“More than sure.” The rogue smiled and put a hand on the mage’s shoulder. “Maybe you should set my house on fire more often. I think this is the most I’ve gotten to talk to you in ages.” Anders was always so caught up in his work, he never took time to just talk to him like this, so he couldn’t help but make light of it a little.

\---

In spite of himself and the situation, Anders gave a burst of a chuckle. His lips pulled up and he gave a nod, though his expression still carried guilt. “Sorry,” he repeated, though this time it was regarding how inhospitable he’d been while staying here.

\---

“It’s alright.” He squeezed his shoulder before releasing it. “Just stay here for now so you don’t have to go through this alone. And maybe you can take a little break once in awhile, Isabela and I would really like to spend time with you.”

\---

He didn’t know what he intended on doing with himself in regards to the elf he’d lost, but he nodded all the same. “Okay.” He ended up picking the glass back up and finishing off the water, calming down further with help from the rogue. “If it’s alright with you, I think I should take a bath.” He’d not bathed in weeks and he was in desperate need of one.

\---

“Alright, just talk to me if you need anything. Day or not, just come get me.” He said, though he fully intended to keep checking in on the mage anyway. He stood then, heading off to give Anders space to get up and put himself back together.

\---

Anders rose to his feet and he had to admit that he felt better than he had in a long time, the fit having worked out a lot of emotion that he’d held cooped up inside. Justice was not satisfied and it was at his prompting that the mage made a mental note that he had to do something for the rogue to make all of this up to him.


	8. Chapter 8

Having come to the realization that he didn’t have access to anyone or anything that could help him, Anders decided to reopen the clinic and pick up where he left off the next day. It ended up being a nightmare, dealing with the denizens of Darktown, many of whom were angry at him for having abandoned them, and learning that a handful of people had died without him in the passing weeks. He’d done what he could, but it was too much, even for him, and he ended up working far beyond the time he normally closed his doors, downing lyrium potion after lyrium potion, exhausting and poisoning himself.

When it was time to head back to Hawke’s, Anders was so out of it that he walked right past the cellar entrance that would have seen him ‘home’ within minutes and went the long way to Hightown. By the time he got that far, his routine took over and he went straight to Fenris’ mansion, opening the door and walking inside as if it were any other night. The smell of food wafting from upstairs, waiting for him, was familiar enough to keep him going and it was only as he stepped in the back room itself that he realized something was off.

\---

Fenris was seated at his table, pulling a tender piece of lamb from the bone with a half-finished bottle of wine at his side. When the healer walked right in like he owned the place, he froze, finding himself staring in disbelief at the man. He hadn’t barged in like this in weeks and he thought they were past this. “...Did something happen?” Maybe some sort of emergency with Hawke had brought him here, though that felt unlikely.

\---

The mage, unwell from his day and already tremoring from his overuse of lyrium, began trembling visibly. “I-” He tried to speak a few times, but failed, making only false starts. His throat thickened the longer he stood there and he shut his mouth, swallowing to try and clear the block that was preventing words from forming.

“I forgot,” he tried to explain in a strained voice, even though it probably made no sense to him. “I’m sorry.”

He tore his gaze away from him, looking instead around the familiar room, before turning and stumbling out of it.

\---

It was so bizarre to see so much emotion in the man who was always so guarded with him. It also felt strange to not immediately be up in arms about him wandering into his house again. But then, as Isabela frequently reminded him, this wasn’t the same man at all. This man was heartbroken and confused.

“Wait.” Fenris called after him, though he had no idea whether or not Anders would really stop.

\---

The voice surprised him and he stilled, but it took a few beats for him to turn and move back into the doorway, looking at the elf in exhaustion. He was exhausted in every way someone could be exhausted, but while he was here, it was the emotional exhaustion that weighed on him most heavily.

\---

He took a good look at the man, as haggard as he appeared. After a hesitation, he tipped his head toward one of the other seats at the table. “Sit down.” If he didn’t want these strange, emotional moments to continue, perhaps he’d best at least figure out what this mage was going on about.

\---

He looked to where he was gesturing, baffled. He knew better that to be hopeful that it meant anything, but he slowly made his way to the table, sitting down across from him in the spot indicated, rather than beside him as he usually did. He remained quiet, leaving it to the elf to explain what it was he wanted with him.

\---

Fenris tore off one more large piece of lamb and having only one arm to work with, held it in his teeth while he pushed the rest of his plate to Anders. There was a good chunk of meat left as well as some vegetables steamed in butter and garlic. Once he’d passed his dinner over, he began to eat the piece he’d saved for himself.

\---

His brow furrowed and he looked down at the plate as if he didn’t understand what it was. “I don’t understand…” He made no move to touch it, as if he didn’t believe he would really offer him anything, much less the food he was eating.

\---

“I don’t either. I don’t understand any of this.” That felt like an understatement. “But I know that you’re not here to fight and you look like you’re about to fall over, so eat. Lady Margo makes fantastic meals.” As if to prove the point, he took another bite of the piece he held. He wanted to free his hand quickly, he was going to need a lot more wine for this.

\---

It took him a while to do as he was told, but he did feel awful, so he reached for the plate, pulling it a little closer and began to eat slowly. “Thank you,” he mumbled, his voice quiet as he made slow work of what was left.

\---

He only answered with a nod, then finished what was left of his meat. He licked his fingers clean, then refilled his wine glass. He drained it, then immediately poured another. He had questions, but for now he didn’t ask them. If nothing else, he could let the mage eat before he said anything that would make him cry again.

\---

He couldn’t bring himself to look at him, knowing that with all of the emotion he was barely keeping down, he would probably lose it. He just ate the food quietly, meek in a way that he’d never been around him before, his tremors dying down so they weren’t particularly noticeable again.

\---

Only when Anders had finished eating did the elf slow his drinking and speak up. “I want to ask you a couple questions. I know just looking at me hurts you, so if you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to.” His tone wasn’t compassionate, but factual. He didn’t want the mage to just break down here if he wasn’t going to be able to talk.

\---

This was unexpected, but it seemed to him to be a good sign. He wasn’t really hopeful, but his willingness to talk was far better than the yelling and violence. “Okay, what do you want to know?” He had an idea of what it would be about, but not what he wanted to know specifically.

\---

“All of your...discrepancies seem to revolve around me. Your relationships with all of the others don’t seem to have changed. But with me...everything is completely different. Is that right?” It was what he had observed, and it seemed to be true from what Isabela had been saying. But he wanted to make sure he had that much correct.

\---

He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t entirely sure it was true. “It seems so. Hawke seemed to think I am crueler than I know myself to be, but it was in regards to you, so… I suppose that is just a side effect of… this.”

\---

The elf nodded, taking a moment to process that information. He sipped his wine again as he mulled it over. “So Hawke knew you to be cruel to me. And not without reason, as I have always been cruel to you. Which leads me to my next question - was your version of me cruel to you when you met?”

\---

His fingers began to toy with a fraying hole in his robes, his eyes fixed firmly on a mark on the table. “I wouldn't say cruel. We didn’t get along and we argued, but after a few months you started listening to what I had to say and we became friends.” It really hadn’t taken all that long for them to warm up to each other and after that… it had been a natural progression.

\---

“...Really?” That all sounded so strange. After only a few months of arguing they had become...friends. He studied the mage closely, a thoughtful frown on his lips. “So you kept trying to talk to me even if I hated you for being a mage. And eventually I listened. ...What did you say that changed my mind?” It seemed impossible. That anything could possibly change his visceral reaction to magic and anyone who wielded it.

\---

“There wasn’t anything in particular, I just… told you enough about what mages went through in the Circles and you stopped being so stubborn. We stopped fighting about them.” He continued to pick at his robes. “I don’t think you truly became sympathetic until I told you about what I went through, though.” He pulled out a thread and let it fall to the ground.

\---

“Sympathetic?” Fenris growled the word, glaring down at his wine glass. “What they went through or what you went through doesn’t change what mages have done to me and slaves like me. It doesn’t change the fact that mages have done unspeakable things to hurt me that no person without magic could do to any mage. You’re telling me that I was able to trust you, knowing that you could do everything to me that Danarius and his lot have done?”

\---

He’d never gotten a full telling of his time with Danarius, but he knew many of the terrible things that had happened to him. He knew full well that he’d gone through things no one should, but it wasn’t right or fair to blame all mages and the Fenris that he’d come to love had known that. “You understood that I could never have done any of the things that they did to you.” That what mattered was not what he was, but who he was.

\---

“You could though.” He rose from the table, staggering a little after so much wine so quickly, and began to pace. “I know you’re not the mage I know, that I can’t hold his transgressions against you, but you came in here calling me ‘love’ like you meant it. The only person who has ever loved or missed me is Danarius and you are just as capable of doing what he did while you say things like that to me.” His voice had taken on a sharp note, but it sounded more like hurt than any real anger. He didn’t understand how anyone but his former master could be invested in him like that and especially Anders of all people.

\---

“Is that what I did?” he asked, ill at the mere thought. “Is that why you despise me so much? Did I use my magic like that?” As much as he’d ‘hated’ him? He kept saying ‘could’, but surely this insistence had to come from somewhere, so if he was as awful as everyone seemed to say, had he used his magic to hurt him or was this pure paranoia?

\---

“No, but you wanted to. You didn’t for ‘Hawke’s sake’.” The elf stopped his pacing near his fireplace, folding his arms over his chest and staring into the fire. “Your demon wanted to do it even more. If it was up to him, I’d be dead.”

\---

“So even at my worst, I never used my magic against you?” It sounded as if he considered it a point in his favor, a point to prove his own. He shook his head to himself, giving an empty chuckle at the indignance that welled in him. “Justice misses you as much as I do.” He leaned back in the chair, his eyes fixing off to the side and on nothing in particular.

He didn’t want to dwell on the topic, so he went on with a sigh. “I doubt it means anything to you, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done or said to you. I wish I could take it back or that you could remember what I do, but I can’t find a way to fix it. I’m going to keep trying, but if I can’t… I’m sorry.”

\---

Never in his life did he think he’d hear Anders apologize for anything. This was all too strange. “I don’t think whatever is happening is your fault.” Whatever insanity this was was certainly not something the mage wanted, not with the way he was suffering from the change. He just didn’t know what to do. Hating Anders was so much simpler than this.

\---

“I don’t know what it is, but I wish it hadn’t happened.” For him, everything would be so much better. He didn’t consider the fact that if this hadn’t happened, the elf would be stuck with a version of himself that he hated. That hated him. It was to Fenris’ benefit that he was here, if not his own. “I want to wake up and have all this be a nightmare, but I wake up and I’m still here. The life I know feels more and more like a dream everyday.” His voice seemed tighten the longer he went and he was wringing his hands where he sat.

\---

“I think it would be easier if this hadn’t happened. This wouldn’t be complicated.” They could just hate each other rather than hating someone who wept over his animosity. “...But I think it’s for the best that it it did. After the last fight we had, I think we might have killed each other before too much longer. Our fights were getting longer and nastier each time.”

\---

That didn’t make him feel better. If anything, it made him feel worse, but it was probably the only silver lining he would find in this situation. “Yes, well, you don’t ever have to worry about that happening.” Fenris was the last person he would hurt and it still upset him awfully to know that he ‘already had’.

\---

“Neither do you.” He wasn’t going to fight someone who wouldn’t fight back. So long as he didn’t ever use magic on him, there was no reason to fight. He pinched the bridge of his nose, swaying a little on his feet.

\---

He wasn’t sure what to say and as productive as this conversation had been, it did hurt terribly to be here. He remained quiet, wondering if he would be kicked out soon, since he’d answered… well, some of his questions. There had only been a few, but maybe that was all he’d needed to hear. He wasn’t going to push, some part of him worried that he would kick him out sooner if he did and some part of him aware that it would probably be for the best.

\---

Fenris stood in front of the fire in silence for a few minutes, then slowly made his way to his chair, dropping into it. He was tired and he had a lot to process. He didn’t say anything to Anders, expecting that the mage would take his leave if he had nothing else to say. He’d at least gotten some answers, even though this still made so little sense to him.

\---

When it was quiet for long enough, Anders looked up to see him sitting in his chair, ignoring him. It seemed that he was done, but still he waited a little longer to make sure. When he was given nothing, he rose to his feet and made his way to the door, unsteady on his feet. He’d definitely need to sleep tonight if he was going to open the clinic bright and early the next day.

“Thanks for dinner,” he told him, as he stepped out and started for the front door. Every step ached, but he tried to remind himself that this had actually been good. Progress… even if it never went anywhere.

\---

When he was spoken to, he turned in his chair a little to offer a nod, but the mage was already on his way off. That was for the best. The longer he stayed, the more likely he’d break down into sobs or faint or something again. Fenris didn’t want any more of that if he could help it. Besides, he had a lot to think about and he wanted to be alone.


	9. Chapter 9

After accidentally walking into Fenris’ place that night, Anders couldn’t help but visit every night. It was hardly a proper visit as he never went inside or alerted the warrior of his presence. Rather he sat outside in the alley beside the mansion, fantasizing about  what it use to be like. About walking in, finding dinner ready, receiving a kiss, and sitting down to talk about their days together as if nothing had changed.

Sitting out in the cold on the hard ground was as close as he could come to recreating those memories. Everytime he thought he had no more tears to shed, he managed a few more.

His arms were folded over his chest and his hands were tucked beneath them in an attempt to keep warm. It was tempting to use magic to warm up, but with templars patrolling the area from time to time, it would be a dangerous risk for him. He just dealt with the chill, his eyes shut, knowing that he would have to return to Hawke’s before much longer.

\---

A pair of thieves had been watching the healer for the majority of the week he’d been sitting outside of the old mansion. He looked tired and weak and though he didn’t look like he had any gold, it was hard to resist finding out for certain. He had made himself such an easy target after all.

On this night, they’d watched him sit for hours and he looked as if he’d fallen asleep. They had slowly crept closer to him through the evening and after a great deal of patience, Lawrence finally gave the signal. Abel pounced on the sitting man, shoving him forward and pinning him face-down on the ground. Lawrence moved in to put a knee on Anders’ back and a knife to his throat while Abel eased enough weight off him to feel for a coin purse or jewelry. “Easy, now. We want your coin, not your life. What do you have on you?”

\---

Anders never went anywhere without his staff on him, but the thieves had sprung on him so quickly that he didn’t even realize what was happening before he was forced to the ground. He reacted instinctively, creating a wave of energy around that emanated from him and blasted outwards, throwing both of the men away from him. He scrambled up to his hands and his knees and when his head lifted, his eyes were glowing with a bright light. He saw his staff sitting nearby and he dove for it, grabbing it and sending a wall of flame between himself and the two men before they could attempt another attack.

\---

The men cried out in alarm when they were blasted away and again when flame rose before them. “I told you he was a fucking mage! I knew it!” Abel shouted at his partner and gave him a rough shove. Lawrence wasn’t paying much attention to him, he was just feverishly trying to find his knife before he would make a run for it.

Fenris had been washing his pieces of his armor when he heard the ruckus outside. Normally he would not have cared in the slightest, but this sounded as if it was right outside of his home. He wasn’t going to tolerate such a disturbance and if some idiot drunks or whoever it was needed to fight, they weren’t going to do it here. He didn’t bother taking the time to dry off his armor, knowing he would not need to for whoever was out there, and grabbed his sword on his way. He stormed outside wearing only his pants and his scowl fell into a look of surprise when he saw the mage and a wall of fire beside his home. “...What is this?!”

\---

Anders reacted instinctively to the sound of a voice while he was being attacked and he swung his staff in that direction, preparing to send another burst of flame that way, but when he actually registered who it was, he stopped mid-motion. His eyes widened, visible while they were so bright in the darkness, but knowing that the elf wasn’t a threat to him, or assuming such, he brought his staff back the other way and before the thieves could get away, he struck them both with a lightning bolt, chaining off one to the other.

“I was attacked,” he explained as the flame wall died down, so that the light emanating from him was the only thing making the alley visible.

\---

The warrior had tensed sharply when the staff was aimed at him but eased, slightly, when it was turned away. He didn’t come any closer, but moved to see down the alleyway at the two men, howling from the lightning and scrambling to get away from the mage. Fenris kept his hand on the hilt of his sword, looking around wildly for any more attackers but never taking his eyes off Anders for more than a moment.

\---

It was tempting to continue after them, but figuring that they’d learned their lesson, he let them run off. The light faded and that plunged them both into darkness, which was good because it hid his sheepish expression at having been found outside his mansion. He put his staff away, disarming himself, and scraped a foot against the ground.

“I have to be getting to Hawke’s,” he explained, as if the warrior had asked, and started out of the alley, wondering if he’d just let him go and not question it.

\---

“What were you doing out here?” Fenris demanded, his voice tight. His eyes had to adjust to the darkness and he frowned as he tried to keep track of where the mage’s eyes were until he heard him start to walk away. “It’s the middle of the night.”

\---

Of course he wasn’t so lucky, but after a beat of hesitation, he came up with an answer that he thought might satisfy him. “I was just coming back from Darktown… My clinic, you know.” He figured that this Fenris didn’t know what his hours were like at the clinic, so who knew how late he kept it open? Even if this route was not the most direct way to get to Hawke’s place from Darktown, it wasn’t entirely unreasonable.

\---

“And your path took you directly by my home? Or is this some detour you take on your way to Hawke’s?” He was uneasy but the darkness helped to conceal it. He tried to keep his voice even enough, wanting answers.

\---

He didn’t like lying to him, but in this case he thought it better than the truth. The elf would’ve never known that he came here if it hadn’t been for those damn thieves - he was regretting not giving them another taste of his magic. “It’s the safest path to avoid templars,” he replied, pleased that it wasn’t a complete lie. It really was the safest path to avoid templars and he knew that from coming to his place every night for over a year.

“If those thieves hadn’t stopped me, you’d have never known I was here.”

Maybe that would be of some comfort to him.

\---

That was true enough. Anders had probably going this way since he’d started staying with Hawke and he’d never known it until the thieves showed up. Of course, he didn’t know Anders had only just reopened his clinic days ago. After a few beats, he nodded though he didn’t know if the other would see it in the dark. “...Okay. I need to finish what I was doing.” He was half naked and it was cold, after all. He turned to retreat into his house, still unnerved by yet another surprise encounter with the mage even if he half-believed his excuse.

\---

He watched him go, before continuing out of the alley when he was left alone. A couple of tears escaped as he made his way to the rogue’s place. He slipped inside and went straight to the guest bedroom he’d been moved to, shutting the door behind him to avoid any confrontation - they’d been good about leaving him to his own devices, but he really wasn’t up for any questions this night.


	10. Chapter 10

The following nights had been...strange. After hearing that Anders frequently walked by his home to avoid the templars, he decided to peek out his window around the same time the next night to see if he could see him walking home. He startled when he saw Anders just sitting on the ground outside of his home and yet he found he wasn’t all that surprised. After they’d talked last night, maybe the mage felt the need to come by again and hadn’t worked up the nerve to come in and talk to him. That was for the best and Fenris decided to go back to what he was doing, hoping that the healer would move on before long.

He continued to check out his window each night and he was increasingly dismayed to find that he was coming back every single night. Five nights in a row he’d been there. What was worse, he discovered that he sat there for hours. He just sat motionless on the ground for hours and then eventually stood and walked on toward Hawke’s house.

This night, after peeking outside several times and knowing the mage had been there for three hours already, he decided he had to confront him. He walked out to meet Anders in the alley, his arms folded over his chest and a frown on his lips. “What do you want from me?” He said by way of greeting, his voice low.

\---

The sound of footsteps had him on alert, after what happened earlier that week, but when he saw who it was, he gasped and jumped to his feet, grabbing his staff from where he set it on the ground beside him. “I was just- I just-...” He tried to bring forth an excuse, but failed to find anything to latch to. He really hadn’t expected to be caught, not after his run in with the thieves, and so he didn’t have any way to explain his presence, especially since he’d been found sitting there.

\---

“What do you want from me?!” His arms tightened over his chest, finding the fact that the mage didn’t have a ready excuse for what he was doing even worse. “No more bullshit. What is it you’re waiting for out here?”

\---

The questions made his eyes fill with tears and he had to look away from him, hand tightening on his staff. He closed his eyes, his expression falling as he tried to get a handle on himself. “Nothing.” His voice was thick and he took a few steps back. “I’m sorry, I’ll go.” In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to flee, his chest beginning to convulse with sobs that he was barely keeping back.

\---

“No. You’re not going. Not until you tell me why you sit out here every night.” He’d seen him enough nights now that he was certain he had no intention of stopping it if he hadn’t been caught. “What are you waiting for? For me to be someone else?”

\---

He wasn’t wrong and to hear it stated so plainly and from him… It broke him. He had to press his free hand to the wall to keep himself on his feet. “I’m sorry,” was all the response the elf got, failing to answer him in the way that he wanted.

\---

“You’re not sorry. You’re not sorry at all. You want me gone. You’re waiting for someone else to be here. Someone without this.” He moved a hand to point to the scar Anders had found that he apparently wasn’t supposed to have. “You’d be thrilled if one day I wasn’t the one who was here.”

\---

The tears spilled over and his staff smacked into the wall as the hand holding it braced against it, needing the other to lift and cover his mouth. He muffled his sobs, pressing more and more of his weight into the wall, as it was the only thing keeping him up.

When he managed to get out a response, it was entirely shrill. “Of course I want you gone! I want you gone and I want the man I love! He’s the one that should be in there, not you!”

There was anger in his voice, but it was beneath the heartbreak that cut sharply past the thickness of his throat.

\---

“Finally! Some fucking honesty instead of false apologies.” Fenris snarled. “This is my home and you need to stop moping around here hoping that someone else will be here some day. It is not my fault that whoever you think I should be isn’t who I am, mage.”

\---

There was nothing he could say, nothing he could argue, but he was finally seeing how it was possible to hate this man. How it was possible to throw all of those punches. He was the only thing that was different in all of this and in that way, he’d taken away the man he loved.

“I’m going to change it. I don’t care what I have to do.” He didn’t care what it took or what it did to him, he was going to change this back to what he knew. “You’ll be gone and everyone will be happier for it.” He seemed to find strength in the hatred and tears faded until they were only darting down his cheeks periodically.

\---

“Whatever you have to tell yourself to stop this madness.” The elf spat the words. Though really, it was a bit refreshing to hear such anger and hate in the mage’s voice again. “Now leave me alone. Don’t let me catch you around here again, mage.”

\---

“You won’t,” he spat, straightening up. “The next time I come here, it’ll be my home.” He stormed past him, though his gait wasn’t entirely steady. He couldn’t get far enough from him, though with every step saw him growing more and more distraught, the anger draining with distance. By the time he reached Hawke’s, he was melting down entirely and he found himself mumbling the pirate’s name as he sought her.

\---

They had learned not to stay up for Anders, but he was home early tonight. Isabela was nestled in Hawke’s arms in their bed, but she heard the door and the unsteady footsteps despite being half asleep. She opened her eyes and saw that Hawke was out cold and snoring softly, but she knew she’d heard movement in the house. She climbed out of bed and pulled on Hawke’s robe to cover her bare body as she stepped out. She expected to simply see Anders make his way to his bedroom, not wanting to be bothered, but she waiting with a worried frown, the unusual sounds suggesting to her that something was wrong.

\---

When he found her, he didn’t stop to think about why she would be standing there at this time of night. He mumbled her name again, his voice aching, and he went right up to her, basically falling against her and weeping.

\---

Clearly something was indeed wrong. The way he said her name broke her heart and she wrapped him up in her arms without thought. “I’m here, Handsome…” She murmured to him, stroking his back slowly and letting him cry. She didn’t want to ask him what was wrong until he’d had a chance to settle down and she didn’t speak up again until she’d given him several minutes to weep. “Why don’t we go to your room, hmm? We can sit there together.” He needed to get something out of his system clearly, but she didn’t want him collapsing on her again.

\---

He’d been mumbling under his breath as they stood there, but nothing that was intelligible. It wasn’t until she’d gotten him into his room that he said anything that she would be able to understand, though even that was an overstatement. “Please,” he had sunken down onto the bed, clutching at her as if scared that she would leave.

\---

She could feel how desperate his hold was on her and after they were both on the bed, she climbed into his lap. She though that her weight might be a comfortable reminder of her presence and if he could hold her that way, he’d feel he had more control to keep her from abandoning him. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” She stroked her fingers over his back, then through his hair, cradling him to her.

\---

His arms wrapped around her and he squeezed her to him with a strength that he ought to not have. He buried his face into her collar and wept still, his eyes red and aching. “Please,” he repeated, before murmuring her name again, softer. He had to sniffle to avoid getting snot all over her, but he was still managing to thoroughly wet Hawke’s robe.

\---

“Please what, Handsome? Tell me what I can do for you...” The pirate asked and massaged his scalp lightly with her fingertips. She imagined that all he really needed was for her to be with him until he settled down, but if he was trying to ask something else of her, she wanted to know.

\---

“I-I need- I need-...” He hiccuped and shook his head, squeezing her even tighter. He needed Fenris, but she couldn’t give him that. No one could. It hurt so much and he’d never felt so alone in his life, even with his friends trying to do everything they could for him, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what he needed and all of the pain he’d gone through before meeting Fenris was nothing to having him just… not be there anymore.

\---

“It’s alright.” She murmured and just kept working her fingers through his hair. He probably didn’t know what he needed right now and that was alright. She could just hold him until he’d settled down and could tell her what happened to put him in this state.

\---

It took a long time for him to calm down, to stop crying and stop trying to speak. Even when he got to that point, he hadn't relaxed his hold on her. It seemed he intended on keeping her there all night, because even after he got his sniffling under control, he didn’t move to lift his head from her.

\---

Isabela was in no hurry to get back to bed and did nothing to make him ease his hold. He’d been so emotionally distraught for so long now, she wanted to use this time to soothe her friend while he was allowing it. After awhile, her hands had fallen still, but she still held him tightly, occasionally letting her hand resume its stroking for a few beats before stilling again.

\---

When he was ready to move, he pulled her with him, laying down on the bed. It would be more comfortable to climb under the blanket, but while she was so close, it was warm enough. He felt awful, but better. Like when he’d destroyed the previous room he’d been staying in, this had been a release of emotion that he’d desperately needed.

\---

At first she’d thought he was going to move her off of him and she’d shifted to help, but she quickly realized he was just laying them down. She adjusted to a comfortable position without releasing him, stretching out her legs and nestling her cheek against his. The only person she’d ever really given comfort to like this was Hawke, but it was nice that Anders felt comfortable enough with her to seek it from her.

\---

When they settled, his eyes shut and it seemed that he intended on sleeping like this with his arms wrapped around the pirate. It was not like him to lean so heavily on anyone, especially on friends that he really regarded as something closer to acquaintances, but nothing was as it was supposed to be, himself included.

\---

Isabela closed her eyes as well, listening to his breathing. She was relieved that sobs hadn’t started up again and hoped that perhaps he’d gotten out all that he needed to. She could spend the rest of the night this way and she knew it wouldn’t take much explaining for Hawke to understand. He knew what bad shape Anders was in and that she’d have invited him if she’d meant to have a good time in the healer’s bed.

\---

He had thoroughly exhausted himself and so when they settled, it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Wth his nose stuffed as it was, he ended up having to breath through his mouth and the warm air played against the rogue’s cheek while they were lying so close together throughout the night.

\---

The longer she listened to his breathing, the more convinced she was that he had settled down for the night. She’d been well on her way to sleep when he had come looking for her, so despite how jarring the night had been, she slipped easily into sleep. The secure hold on her was soothing and she slept soundly in his arms.


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning, Anders woke later than usual and for a moment, he forgot where he was and who he was with. Waking with a body next to his, to the feel of a hand stroking his back, his mind tricked itself and when his eyes opened, expecting to see the elf in front of him, his heart sank and his expression fell.

\---

Isabela had been stroking his back absently, staring off at the far wall of the room in thought. She felt him begin to wake and when she looked to him, she found that his eyes had opened. Though he wasn’t smiling, she offered him one. “Good morning, Handsome. I’m glad you got some rest.”

\---

Recalling what happened the night before, he nodded and forced a smile for her. He couldn’t bring himself to feel embarrassed, not even in the aftermath - he’d really needed the contact. He broke it, though, withdrawing for her, though he was too tired to push himself up right away.

\---

When he released her, she sat up and stretched her limbs with a yawn. It was nice to change positions, but she stayed within reach in case he needed to cling to her again. “Do you feel a little better?”

\---

He gave a nod, though his eyes were still swollen and aching from the night before. He was dehydrated, his mouth and lips dry, but it was a problem he wasn’t in any hurry to remedy.

\---

“Good.” She studied him, glad that he looked a little better than he had the night before. “...Can you tell me what broke your heart like that last night?”

\---

He frowned, turning his eyes away from her and looking up at the ceiling. He was reluctant to open up, despite having leaned on her so heavily the night before. “Fenris,” he finally answered, though that didn’t tell her much and that much was probably already guessed.

\---

“I know, Handsome.” She knew all of his hurt lately came from the elf. “Why don't you tell me about it? About the Fenris you know and about whatever happened last night to upset you…”

\---

He didn’t really want to get into it, so he responded vaguely. “He just made it clear that he’d not the man I know and that he would never be the man I know.” He took a shaky breath, clearly still hurting from that dose of reality. “I have to find a way to get rid of him and bring back the Fenris I know.”

Even still, he refused to believe that it was all in his head. That he made it up, because if he accepted that, it was accepting that the life he knew had never existed.

\---

“I really think he is the man you know. I know he's got sharper edges than you remember, but once you get under that, he's really rather sweet. I don't know him as well as Hawke, but even I have seen him with his guard lowered a little. I've seen him feed a stray cat or let a curious child touch his ears. That sounds a little like the Fenris you know, doesn't it?” She didn’t like his talk of getting “rid” of the elf she knew and hoped he could be convinced that wasn't the best course of action.

\---

“No he’s not,” he snapped, pushing himself up. “So what, he’s not a complete asshole - does that fix anything? Maker, Isabela, how would you like it if you woke up one day and Hawke was gone. Not dead, but gone. Still there, but gone. Completely different and everything you ever shared with him was gone? Oh, and now he fucking hates your guts and everyone thinks you’ve gone insane!” He shook his head, his anger from the night before returning.

“None of you get it.”

\---

She flinched a little from his anger and lowered her eyes. “I can't imagine how much that would hurt, Anders. I'd be devastated like I know you are. But if it were me, I think I would do whatever I had to to win him over so I could have him back.”

\---

“Then I’m lucky that I’m not Hawke, because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wouldn’t fight for what we had. That would settle for something less.” He couldn’t start a relationship with this… stranger, it would be giving up on the relationship, on the man that meant everything to him. “Fenris wouldn’t… If our places were switched, he would do whatever it took to get me back. To get me back, not win this… other version of me over.”

\---

“I guess you are.” She sounded a little hurt but it didn't show on her face. She stood from the bed and adjusted Hawke’s robe to cover herself better. “Do you want anything to eat?”

\---

He could tell that he upset her, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad. He meant it. “No, I’m fine.” He looked away from her, knowing that by letting the conversation end like this, he was pushing her away. It wasn’t kind, especially when she’d spent all night with him after hitting such a low point, but he’d shouldered most of this alone and he would continue to do so.

\---

The pirate sighed and left without another word. She didn't want to hold it against him, knowing how upset he was, but her feelings were hurt. She headed back to Hawke’s room to dress herself, giving the mage space.

\-----

It was later that evening that Anders left the guest room to approach Hawke, pulling him aside and telling him that he needed to talk to him. They’d gone to his study to have some measure of privacy and when they were both sitting, Anders dove straight into the matter, wanting to get it over with.

“I’m going to Tevinter.”

\---

That was the last thing Hawke expected to hear. He gaped at him for a long moment, then finally spoke up again. “I think we both know that's a terrible idea. Justice told you that's a terrible idea, right?”

\---

“Justice agrees. There is something seriously wrong here and the only thing that could have done it is magic. Something happened and it’s magical in nature and if I’m going to figure out how to fix it, I have to go to the place where I am most likely to find answers.” Tevinter was his best bet. “Besides, it’s not like the whole of Tevinter is evil.” It wasn’t a good place for many reasons, but it wasn’t the epitome of evil, no matter what his lost lover felt on the matter.

\---

“It's evil enough.” Hawke said with a shake of his head. “Listen, if it was magic, it has to be local, right? Like the mage or magical disturbance or whatever has to be close? Don't you think you'd have better luck looking here than traveling to a place...like that?”

\---

“I can’t find answers, Hawke. What do you think I’ve been doing? I’ve talked to everyone I can think of here, no one has even heard of anything like this. It’s…” he shook his head, looking a little distraught. The conclusion many of them came to was that it was him - that he’d gotten injured in some way and that his mind was messing with itself.

“The only way I can get Fenris back, my Fenris back, is to do something. I have to try.”

—

“I don't know your Fenris, but I think he'd be beside himself if he knew you were considering going to Tevinter.” He frowned,  scratching at his beard. “No magic from all the way in Tevinter could have done it. It happened here. And you're needed here, Anders. We need you, your patients need you, the mages need you. What if you come back next year with no more answers and Fenris is dead because we had no healer?”

\---

“Of course it didn’t come from Tevinter, but they might know what this is and know how to fix it.” That was the point. He shook his head, frowning himself. “Don’t. You can’t guilt me into staying and you can’t use Fenris to do it. We both know none of you care about any of that stuff.” They never really cared much about his causes, only ever going so far as to grant him favors if he asked them.

\---

“Guilt or not, I'm not wrong. You're needed here. I think you know that and chasing some solution that may not even exist isn't going to help anything.” Hawke sighed heavily. “I know you didn't come here to ask my permission and I can't stop you from going. But we need you here.”

\---

“You don’t understand, but I wouldn’t expect you to. None of you understand, least of all Fenris.” He shook his head, trying to ignore the agreement coming from within. They were needed - they both knew that, but this was more important. “If it were Isabela, you would be doing the same.” It was the same logic he’d used on the pirate, but it was the only way to get them to even begin to understand what it was like.

\---

“I don't know what I'd do if it were Isabela. But your role here is so important and so many people depend on you. Especially me.” He called on the healer so often over the years for counsel as much as magic and he'd be at such a loss without him. “I'd have an easier time supporting this if you had a solid lead in Tevinter. But we're talking about putting everyone here at risk, Fenris included, for you to chase a hope that there are answers there.”

\---

“Even if there isn’t answers there, what does that leave me with here?” There were things that were important, but without Fenris… he wasn’t sure he could stay. That he would want to stay. “I can’t live like this, Hawke.”

\---

“Us. It leaves us here with you.” Hawke said with a deep frown. “If you think the answer is in Tevinter, I'll ask around. Surely someone has contacts there. We can look for your answers there without you going there and risking everything…”

\---

He gave a hard sigh at that, obviously frustrated. “I’ve already asked the people I know…” No one had been able to give him anything of substance, but Hawke always had this odd tendency to make the impossible happen. “...Fine, but if you can’t find anyone by the end of the month, I’m going.”

—

“Alright. I'll see what I can do.” It was a long shot, but of all the people he knew, maybe someone could find help in Tevinter. This at least bought him some time to keep Anders with them.

\---

With that, he didn’t have anything else to say, so after lingering in an awkward silence, he decided to take his leave. “Thanks. I guess I should get back to work then.”

—-

“I should too.” He rose from his seat and gave him a little smile. “I'm glad you're staying with us, at least for a little while.”

\---

He rose as well, but paused as the rogue went on. It didn’t mean something to him to hear that, so he returned the smile with a little one of his own. “Thanks, Hawke.” He let him walk out first and then followed after.


	12. Chapter 12

It was weeks later that Hawke got word back from Tevinter. It was about what he’d expected and he knew the healer wasn’t going to take it very well. He was grim when he went to fetch Anders, inviting him to his study and insisting that he take a seat. He sat down in his chair, breathing a sigh as he considered just what to say to him. “I got word back from the mage scholar in Tevinter. I want to discuss what he sent to me but I want you to steel yourself before we get into it. You’re not going to like it.”

\---

His stomach fell and then tightened when Hawke came to get him, having a feeling as to what he wanted to talk about. He sat down and watched him anxiously, not knowing what to expect. His stomach continued to fall until it felt like he would be sick and he shook his head, already denying what Hawke intended to say.

—

“The existence of another Fenris is impossible. There is no spell that would duplicate him or ‘switch’ him or anything like that. That sort of magic simply does not exist.” Hawke said this gentle, but his tone was firm and certain. “The scholar said the only sort of magic that would produce what you’ve talked about is a memory enchantment that had been cast on you. Even that is unlikely, since it is a spell that takes time and precision and not something that would have been used haphazardly in a battle. But even if that is the case and your mind was altered, the fact remains that your account of Fenris and your relation is not real. ...I’m very sorry, Anders.”

\---

He shook his head harder. “No. See, this is why I have to go. They don’t understand, so they’re just dismissing it. They’re dismissing it and they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

He rose to his feet. “I have to go myself.”

—

Hawke rose as well, moving to put strong hands on his shoulders. “Listen to me. The magic doesn't exist. That Fenris doesn't exist. I want you to sit back down and talk to me about this.”

\---

“No, you’re wrong.” He tried to pull back from him, not wanting to hear him say that. “I have to go. I’ll come back when I find out what I have to.”

\---

“You have to think about this logically. Every mage you know doesn’t have an answer. Every book you looked at doesn’t have an answer. Mages that have been studying all matters of magic for longer than you’ve been alive are writing from Tevinter saying that it isn’t possible.” He tightened his hold on him and added pressure, as if he could somehow ground him this way. “None of us know any other Fenris. It’s only you who thinks he’s the wrong person and the only being who agrees with you about it is one that shares your mind.”

\---

“I did not imagine the last three years of my life, Hawke! I didn’t imagine every day, every memory. I didn’t imagine my entire relationship with the love of my life!” He wasn’t yelling, but just barely.

\---

“You did, Anders. Fenris had the scar from a wound you thought you healed, remember? You remember that day, you just don’t remember what really happened with Fenris.” Hawke squeezed his shoulders briefly. “You know that if there was a solution, we’d do anything to help you. But it just didn’t happen, so all we can do is help you go forward from here.”

\---

He couldn’t help but lift his hands between them, shoving at the rogue. “No.” Though it was said firmly, there was something off to it. A thickness that betrayed his denial and fear of the truth he didn’t want to face. “I’m going to get him back.” There was determination in his voice, but also anxiety. “I don’t care what any of you say.”

\---

Anders was strong, but Hawke was prepared for the push and kept his hold, squeezing his shoulders hard enough to be a little painful now. “There is no ‘him’ to get back. He’s not real, only the Fenris that’s here. I know you’re hurting and we’re all going to help you get through this, okay? But you can’t start to move on until you accept it.”

\---

“Shut up!” This time he was yelling, shoving at him again. He didn’t want to hear it - it was the last thing he wanted to hear and it made his eyes shine to hear it. “Let go of me, Hawke!” He didn’t want to stay here and listen to this.

\---

“No. You need to stay here until you calm down and really think about this.” Hawke had no doubt that Isabela would hear the shouting, but he hoped she would leave them be. He didn’t want anyone going in or out of this room until the mage had a hold of himself. “There’s no way it can be real. There is no other Fenris to find.”

\---

“Shut up!” His voice was louder. This time, his hands threatened to expend the crackling energy building up inside him. “You’re wrong!” This time he sounded like he was choking on his own voice, like he was about to cry, which was nothing new as of late. Nothing that Hawke would have seen, but he was likely well aware, especially with the pirate hanging around to tell him what she’d seen of him. “Just leave me alone!”

He was working himself up to a dangerous point and Justice, sensing this, pushed forward to take over. As soon as he was in control, everything calmed and relaxed.

\---

There was an instant of fear on Hawke’s face when he saw Justice, as worked up as Anders was, but the spirit was relaxed so the rogue breathed a voiceless sigh and released his hold on him. “I…” He started, but needed a moment to collect his thoughts, so he turned from the spirit to start pacing. “I didn’t mean to let him get that upset. I just want to help him and I can’t if he won’t accept the truth.”

\---

“I am inclined to agree with Anders,” Justice started, going right into the topic at hand and making that much clear. “He is not making this up and I find it hard to believe that our mind has been tampered with. I would know if something is wrong and the only thing that is wrong is that we remember something differently than you do.”

\---

“You remember something differently than all of us. A different person entirely than the Fenris that exists.” Hawke said with a sigh. “There isn’t any way that it’s possible. There aren’t any spells that create an alternate version of events or a person. The reality is Fenris is an ass to you and the only way we can try to mend this is to change his mind. Isabela is already doing what she can to help with that.”

\---

“I would be amenable to that.” Justice didn’t see why they couldn’t just start a relationship with this ‘different’ Fenris since it would amount to the same thing. He knew that Anders was vehemently against the idea, but the only reason he’d tolerated him in the first place was because it was an ideal arrangement for all involved. There was no reason why they couldn’t do that again, if only the elf wouldn’t be such an insufferable jerk.

“It is difficult for Anders to accept this, as it is for me.” He was struggling to believe it as much as the mage, he just didn’t think it was as big of a deal.

\---

“I know he’s struggling with this. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to accept if it were Isabela.” The rogue shook his head and scratched at his beard. “If we could get him to be as amenable to the idea of starting a relationship with Fenris as you are, I think he’d be a lot happier.”

\---

“I’m not sure how - he’s insistent that he’s giving up on the Fenris that we know if we do not try everything we can. It doesn’t help that the Fenris that is here hates him. There is nothing that Anders has done to deserve it from him, even if you know it to be different.” He wasn’t sure how to handle this and, honestly, the emotion was overwhelming him. He was feeling all of the mage’s pain and it was difficult to go against his wishes when they were feeling this way.

\---

“There is nothing to try. We just have to help Anders accept that.” Hawke said with a sigh. “Fenris just needs to be around you two long enough to see that it’s not going to be like it has been for him before. He’s really a good man once he’s off the defensive.”

\---

“If I spoke to him about this, do you think that he would be willing to spend some time with Anders and see how he feels?” He knew that it took a long time for even the Fenris he knew to ‘trust’ him, if they even ever got that far, but he didn’t see why this couldn’t be handled calmly or why he’d be against trying to warm up to him if they approached it reasonably.

\---

“I think so. I’ll go meet with Fenris next time Isabela goes over to soften him up. I think she’s made some progress with him considering that he really doesn’t know you or Anders, so he can’t justify holding old grudges.” He chuckled grimly. “But of course, he thinks all mages are out to get him whether he knows you or not.”

\---

“If I’m to speak to him, it should be done now.” He wasn’t sure that he could keep the mage calm long enough to wait for another time and he wasn’t sure that he could bring himself to force control of their body again, depending on how he reacted to finding out he’d done so just now.

\---

“Alright. If you think that’s best, we’ll do it now.” Whatever it took to keep Anders from running off to Tevinter. If this was the chance they had to keep the mage from completely going off the deep end, he’d take it. It was risky, but if Isabela was here as a buffer, perhaps it would be alright.

\---

“Very well, then we should get moving.” It wasn’t a long trip to the elf’s mansion, but Justice could still feel remnants of the intense emotions that had brought him forward. The mage, unconscious while they were like this, was still distressed.

\---

The rogue nodded and lead the way out of the study. Sure enough, the shouting had drawn Isabela and she’d been shamelessly eavesdropping. She was all too eager to see if her charms were working on Fenris and she joined them for the trip to the mansion. She advised the men to wait in the entryway while she went inside to the back room to warn the elf that a spirit was going to be joining him for a conversation. She knew well that surprising him with that by having Justice walk right in would likely end in at least one casualty.

It took her several long minutes to return to the men out front, a smirk on her lips. “Alright, he’ll talk to you. Just maybe keep a little distance from him until he sees that you’re not any threat to him.”

\---

The spirit nodded in understanding and started to the back of the mansion, looking as if he knew the way well. When he came to the threshold of the room, he stepped just inside the room and stopped, knowing it was better to take the pirate’s suggestion to keep his distance until he was invited in.

“Hello, Fenris,” he greeted him politely.

\---

Fenris was in the middle of the room, standing with his arms folded across his chest. He looked very tense and defensive, ready to jump into battle at any moment. The sight of the demon made his skin break out in goosebumps and his markings gave a little flicker of agitation. “Why are you here?” It wasn’t polite, but it wasn’t a snarl either.

\---

“I’ve come to talk to you about Anders.” It seemed best to take this one step at a time, so he left it at that to see if he would accept that before he moved on.

\---

“I’m not going to attack him, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Fenris shifted his weight between his feet, clearly very uneasy. “I get that he’s not like he was. If he doesn’t start trouble with me, we can just leave each other alone.”

\---

“That isn’t why I am here.” It was the opposite of why he was here. “I’ve come to ask if you would be willing to spend time with Anders and see if you could come to care for him as he remembers.” He went right to the point, though it probably would have been to his benefit to ease him even further into the purpose of his visit.

\---

Spend time with Anders? That would have been the oddest request he’d ever heard if Isabela hadn’t already been working to convince him that it would be a good idea. It was still enough to make him recoil a little and he shook his head. “I won’t ‘care’ for anyone like he remembers.” He had never had feelings like that and it had been jarring to see anyone have feelings like that for him. “But if he wants, I will spend some time with him. It might ease tensions.” He had already shared a meal with him and it had been one of their more pleasant encounters. Perhaps sharing another meal with him would make missions together slightly less miserable.

\---

The spirit was betraying no emotion, completely flat faced as they spoke. “It would, but would you be willing to be tolerant of him as he is? He is emotional and it would be easier for him if you would allow him contact. He loves you dearly and the longer he is away from you, the more he needs from you. If you would give him comfort, it would make this easier for him.”

\---

“I said I would spend time with him. I'm not going to ‘comfort’ him.” Fenris huffed, scowling at Justice for asking so much of him.

Hawke and Isabela had been listening from the hallway and the pirate moved forward at this point, joining Justice in the doorway. “You should at least try, Fenris. It might be good for you too. If you try to give him comfort and you hate it, you can just keep things civil at least.”  She said gently but she could see the elf was getting more upset and overwhelmed the more they talked about it.

\---

Justice was quiet for a moment, letting the pirate’s words settle as he considered what he could say. “Anders is not the man you remember, far from it. If you would give him what he needs, you would see this for yourself. He needs help to accept that you are the only Fenris that is here.” He wasn’t entirely convinced that was true, but as things were, the only Fenris that was here, that lived in this place was him.

\---

Anders was far different. That was the only reason he was even having this conversation. The demon seemed just as different, but that didn't mean Fenris would allow it any closer to him. He was being asked to comfort a mage and a stranger. But for some reason, everyone seemed to think it was for the best. Anders was extremely unstable and perhaps they knew the most dangerous mages were the unstable ones. “...I'll try, I guess. But that all ends if there is any magic.”

\---

He wasn’t convinced that he would be so understanding when it came down to it, not with the way he’d acted so far, but it was the best answer he could hope for. With that, he turned to look at the pirate, uncertainty coming to his expression. “I don’t know the best way to give control back to Anders. He is… not well and he doesn’t want to accept that our mind could have been tampered with. He doesn’t want to accept this version of Fenris…” And he had a feeling they only really had one shot with this.

\---

Isabela smiled and moved further into the room, liking the idea of setting this up. “Then maybe we should sit the two of them together. You can give Anders control while Fenris is holding him…”

“No. I want to start with just talking.” Fenris didn't want Justice anywhere near him and he didn't want to be clung to by an upset mage.

Hawke joined them at that point, looking fixedly at Fenris. “We need your cooperation. If you don't try, Anders is going to Tevinter to try to ‘fix’ you. Do you want to imagine what he'll be like when he comes back if he does that?” The words seemed to have an impact as the elf looked at him as if he'd been punched in the gut.

\---

“I know you don’t trust him, but he would never hurt you. Neither of us would. I am not the demon you see me as.” It was hard for him to not want to draw on what he knew of the version of the man that they remembered. He was trying to accept that he might not have existed, so drawing comparisons wouldn’t be accurate.

\---

“Let's just do this.” Fenris said with anxiety lacing his tone. He just wanted to be alone. At this point he was willing to give the mage a hug if it meant they would all get out and leave him be when it was done.

“Perfect!” Isabela rushed to an old bench that was falling apart. “Fenris, you sit here. That way Justice can sit with you without completely being in your lap. I'll grab some water and a clean cloth for Anders when he calms down, I'm sure there will be lots of crying…” She rushed around in an attempt to set up her moment while Fenris grimly moved to take his spot, tense enough that it looked like it wouldn't take much to make him snap.

\---

Since it seem the arrangement was being accepted, Justice moved into the room. He was regarding the elf with some wariness, as if expecting him to suddenly change his mind, but he stepped closer all the same. He sat down on the bench, allowing some space between them, uncertain of exactly what would happen and likely feeling as awkward as the elf about it.

\---

Once it seemed Isabela had everything in place, she returned to them and pushed her hands together, gesturing for them to move closer. “Okay, now you two need to embrace. Get into a nice comfortable hold, then give control back.”

Hawke had to cover his mouth in a feigned cough to hide a chuckle. There was something very comical about the rigid way Fenris reached for Justice, putting his arms around him while making as little actual contact as possible. As if he'd never hugged another being in his life and wasn't ready to commit to starting now.

\---

The spirit had no experience in this as himself, but he had plenty of memories to draw from and so he scooted in and slid his arms around him. The sensation was pleasant and he wished that he would light up to give a stronger taste of the song, but this wasn’t about him, so when it seemed they were in a comfortable enough position. “Okay, I am going to bring Anders back.”

\---

Fenris only gave a grunt as his consent. He wanted this over with. At least the spirit had gotten the pressure right and the arms around him weren't causing him any discomfort. Isabela and Hawke had moved back to give them space, the pirate leaning into her man and beaming as she waited.

\---

The light faded out and the mage tensed in his arms, his last memories being distress and anger. He pulled back a little, confused, before realizing where he was, arms and all. His eyes widen and he gawked at the elf for only a breath, before bursting into tears and throwing himself against him, scrambling to get as close as he could and ending up in his lap for it.

“Fenris,” he sobbed, clutching at him desperately, curling up into a ball on top of him. “You can’t leave me, never again.”

\---

Fenris said nothing, trying to deal with the mage in his lap. He was clearly inexperienced and didn't know how to adjust his hold, needing a few attempts before he found a way to put his arms around him. Isabela turned to Hawke and mimed rubbing his back. The elf looked horribly uncomfortable but he copied her and rubbed Anders’ back while he wept.

\---

“Thank the Maker,” he breathed, repeating himself over and over. The longer he cried, the more delirious he seemed to become and he went so far as to give a chuckle that seemed terribly out of place. “I thought I’d never see you again.” He explained, though he was difficult to understand with way he was muffling himself against him. “It was terrible, please, I never want that to happen again.”

\---

“I...shouldn't have treated you like that. It wasn't fair.” The words were very grudging, but it was the closest he'd come to an apology. It still felt like making amends with the enemy, but the sobbing, hysterical mage was reminder enough than this wasn’t Anders.

\---

That wasn’t the response he was expecting as he pulled back a little, turning wet, amber eyes on him to peer at him intently. “Fenris…?” He eyes flicked between his and a terrible understanding slowly settled into his own. “You’re not…” He started, but couldn’t finish. “No.” His expression twisted and he shook his head in denial, before throwing himself against him to kiss him hard, as if that would change the truth of it.

\---

Fenris went rigid with shock when he was kissed, having been braced for just about anything else to happen. Isabela clutched at Hawke’s hand, holding her breath as she waited to see if the elf was going to freak out. Fenris needed several beats to respond, but he started trying to kiss him back for lack of any better ideas, clumsy though it was somewhat masked by the hard nature of the kiss.

\---

The kiss seemed to calm him and the mage refused to let it go, as if breaking it would force him to face reality. He pulled his hands back from around him to lift them up and clutch at the sides of his head, so that he couldn’t break it either. He was unaware of their spectators and even if he knew they were there, he wouldn’t care as all that mattered was the elf he was trying to bring back to him.

\---

Fenris let the kiss last longer far longer than he was prepared for, but when he tried to pull back, he found himself held firmly in place. He continued to kiss him, resuming stroking his back in hopes of comforting him enough to let him go.

\---

If the elf wasn’t going to end it, the mage had no intention of ending it. This was the greatest comfort he’d had in weeks and he could pretend that everything was okay, even if it wasn’t. The kiss went on, even deepening, as he tried to work their tongues into it, so that he could share an even greater intimacy with him.

\---

Fenris’ own lips stayed tightly shut and after a few attempts of Anders’ tongue trying to work into his mouth, he parted them just enough for their tongues to meet ever so briefly before he pulled back hard enough to break the kiss. He was breathless, his cheeks were a deep red, and he was shaking. He hadn't been prepared for all that.

\---

As soon as their lips parted, Anders dropped his head to his shoulder, hiding against him. Still hiding against the truth. “Fenris,” he breathed, sliding his arms around his neck and clinging to him. He was scared to speak up and break the silence, knowing deep down that he wouldn’t get the response he wanted.

\---

“It will be alright.” He said, hoping to sound supportive, but sounding anxious. He moved a hand to encourage Anders to keep his head on his shoulder, not wanting to get caught in another kiss like that.

\---

He could tell it wasn’t him, but denial was a sweet thing. He didn’t understand why he was doing this, but thinking about it would be acknowledging that it wasn’t right. He remained quiet, arms wrapped around him, refusing to let go.

\---

“Why don't we have dinner together tonight?” It didn't come out naturally, yet there was an earnest note in it. He remembered that the alternative was Anders going to Tevinter, after all. “Just you and me?”

\---

“Okay,” he murmured, his voice muffled. That implied that they might part, but he didn’t want to go. This was his home - these walls and these arms, so he wanted to stay here.

\---

“Alright. I'll go get some for us in a little while.” Fenris looked to the rogues with a frown. “We're alright, you can go.” No fights broke out and they weren't needed. Isabela looked disappointed, but Hawke nodded and started to pull the pirate along with him.

\---

Hearing him speak to someone else, Anders finally pulled back enough to turn his head and see the pair taking their leave. His breath hitched and he shook his head, turning back to the elf and trying to take more needy kisses from him. “I love you,” he murmured against his lips, trying to overwhelm himself in him.

\---

“It will be okay…” He said between the stolen kisses, overwhelmed and not sure how to handle all of this affection. “I might not be what you remember, but I'm still Fenris.”

\---

The confirmation wasn’t something he wanted to hear and, confused as he was, he began to weep softly. He didn’t pull away, but the kisses stilled as he pressed their foreheads together. “Fenris.” Not his Fenris. The other Fenris, the one that hated him and wanted him to go away. To leave him alone. To accept that the love of his life would never return.

\---

“Fenris.” He agreed, shifting uncomfortably when he started to cry again. “I want you to stay here with me.” He didn't have to stay quite in the proximity he was now. He just didn't want him going to learn anything Tevinter could teach him.

\---

He didn’t understand. He was so baffled as to what was happening and why he was here and why Fenris was being like this. “Why?” This Fenris didn’t care about him, so why was he doing this? The truth left a barrier between them and it made his stomach tighten with anxiety, so he ended up stealing another kiss, even knowing that he shouldn’t be kissing him.

\---

“Because, you’re not the Anders I knew. And maybe we'd both be happy if I was the Fenris you knew.” He doubted it, but maybe Anders would at least be calm. “Your…” He trailed off then started again before he went with the poor wording he'd intended. “Justice came to me and told me that you were different and you'd never hurt me. It took some time to believe, but I want to try…”

\---

He pulled back a little, looking at him uncertainty. “You’re not him.” He wasn’t his Fenris, but as he stared at him, everything was as it should be, every line of his face a perfect match to what he had memorized. His hands lifted and he touched his cheeks, brushing his thumbs over firm skin. “You’re not, I can’t...” One of his hands lifted to slide through his locks, love reading as plainly as the tears in his eyes as he studied him intently.

\---

“I am Fenris.” Not his Fenris, but the only Fenris. He was uneasy under the scrutiny and it made him lower his eyes and fidget, but the warmth in the touches were enough to keep him from pulling away.

\---

“Fenris,” he repeated, his voice quiet. It was wrong, he knew it was, but he needed him so badly and he couldn't stop himself from leaning in again, kissing him deeply.

—

He didn't know what to do when he was kissed again, but he tried to return it. It was clearly timid and inexperienced and he was quick to break it. “Are you getting hungry?” He asked, his tone a little uneven. He needed a little space so perhaps he could go get them food.

\---

He gave his head a firm shake. “No.” He knew dinner meant that he would move and he didn’t want him to. “No, don’t go.” He slid his arms back around his neck, hugging him tightly.

—

So much for that. But hugging was easier for him than kissing so he hugged Anders tightly in return to encourage it. “Alright, I'm not going anywhere. Maliat, I'm here…” It didn't come naturally to him at all, but it was the best comfort he could think of. The ‘hush’ word in Tevene was one that was used more for soothing children than lovers and one the Fenris Anders knew would only use in moments of very high distress, but it was still likely a word Anders would recognize.

\---

Hearing him speak in Tevene gave him a shiver. He didn’t know much of the language, but there were words that he used often enough that he knew. Without thinking, he answered, “Amatus.” It wasn’t a direct answer to anything he was saying, but it was what Fenris had called him and he wanted to hear him call him that again.

—

It was so incredibly strange to hear Anders say anything in his native tongue. Especially that word. Rather than repeat it, he began to murmur more reassurances in Tevene, curious how much the other could understand, and stroked his back slowly.

\---

After a while of listening to him speak, he waited for a lull and then made a request. “Can you light up?” He could feel the need for that comfort deep down.

—

“Hmmm?” He wasn't sure what he meant. After a few beats, he determined the only thing he could possibly mean. “...Like this?” He let the light flood his skin, having no idea why he'd want that.

\---

He hummed in agreement, pressing even more of his weight into him as he relaxed, the tension that had remained in his body dying down. “Thanks,” he murmured, eyes shutting peacefully.

—

“.. You’re welcome.” He had no idea why he wanted that, but it was easy enough to sustain for him. At least things were still and quiet for the moment and if he could keep the mage from breaking down into sobs again, he'd be pleased.

\---

After being so worked up in so many ways, he was tired and being in his arms like this was enough to allow him to start drifting off. He ended up dozing against the elf, his breath brushing the elf’s neck since, like with Isabela, he was too stuffed up to breathe through his nose.

—

The silence was a relief, but he still wanted a little space. He'd not had this much contact with another person in years and it was too much for him. When the mage had been still and quiet for quite awhile, Fenris began to shift away from him, carefully easing him down to lay on the bench so he could get away.

\---

Tired as he was, he didn’t rouse, though the bench didn’t offer much in the way of support and he was balanced precariously atop it when the elf moved away. Still, he didn’t move and he continued to sleep in the uncomfortable he’d been left in.

—

It was nice to have some breathing room and he shook out his limbs in relief. He looked at the mage he'd left in a heap on the bench for a long moment, then went to his pantry for some wine. He still wanted to go get a proper meal, but he didn't know how much Anders would freak out if he woke before he returned. With a sigh he grabbed some vegetables and dried meat while he was in the pantry, deciding he'd make do with what he had.

\---

It took a while for Anders to wake and he did so in the most unfortunate way he could have. A shift saw him rolling off of the bench and he gasped as he woke on the floor.

—

He heard him hit the floor and swore under his breath, abandoning his stove to rush over. He stopped just short of arm’s reach and looked down at him with a frown. “Are you okay? I was just trying to make us something to eat…”

\---

It was as startling to wake up like that as it was to regain control from Justice. He winced as he pushed himself up to an elbow to relieve himself of the awkward position he landed in.

“I don’t-“ He looked around him as he rose to sit. His eyes fixed on Fenris and he remembered what happened earlier - it didn’t explain why he was on the floor, but it explained enough.

Without another word, he reached for him, wanting to fall back into him, so he could keep pretending that everything was okay.

—

Rather than hold him as he was sure Anders wanted, he offered his hands to help him up. “Come, I have food on the stove that needs tending. I knew you didn't want me to go anywhere, so I had make something.”

\---

He took his hands reluctantly, pulling himself up to his feet. He’d hit his shoulder against the ground in his fall and when he straightened and had a little space, he reached to give it a quick rub and heal as he headed to the stove.

—

Fenris went back to his stove, quickly checking on some vegetables and beef he had simmering in some oil and a bit of the wine he'd been drinking. It was simple and there was barely enough food for the two of them, but it was tasty and he made it fairly often. “It won't be much longer until it's ready.”

\---

The mage nodded, his eyes fixing on him. He felt the urge to say something, but he didn’t know if it would be welcome. “Smells good.” It wasn’t the first time he’d had this, but saying that might make him angry.

Instead, he moved closer to him and slid his arms around him from behind, not restricting him completely, but holding onto him.

—

He flinched a little when he felt the arms draw around him. He shouldn’t have been surprised by the touch, but it was still so strange to have anyone touch him at all. “Sorry. Pressure hurts my markings and I’m not used to anyone touching them.” He had no idea that Anders already knew this and he relaxed slowly in the hold while he stirred at the stew.

\---

“...I know.” He set a hand on his arm, lightly tracing where the thickest of his markings ran. “I remember everything you ever told me about yourself - why can’t you remember me?” He sounded so sorrowful as he said this, burying his face into his hair at the crown of his head. He shut his eyes, but it took only a beat for them to snap back open. “I remember everything. You told me things that you’ve told no on else.”

His breath began to quicken, realizing that he had proof. They couldn’t dismiss him, not if he had proof.

\---

It wasn’t possible. There was no way he could know about his sensitivity. But he had noticed that he hadn’t hurt him despite all the touching they’d been doing since Anders went insane. Something about Anders saying that he knew things that no one else did gave his stomach an uneasy twist and he turned to face him, his eyes piercing. “...What would I have told you?”

\---

“You told me a lot of things,” he replied, meeting his gaze with growing anticipation. “About what your life was like in Tevinter, with the Fog Warriors, and after you fled…” He knew more than anyone else, even though the elf had little of his life to share. We he did have he’d shared a lot of and that was only the past - he wasn’t mentioning all that he’d learned by living with him and spending time with him.

\---

“What have I told you? What do you know that no one else would know?” From what he’d said already, his heart was racing. He moved back a step, mindless of his proximity to the stove as well as the simmering food he was neglecting for the moment.

\---

He was quiet, not wanting to scare him away, but wanting to tell him everything there was to know so he would finally be convinced that he wasn’t making this up. “If I tell you what you want to hear, will you believe me?” He didn’t release his hold on him, scared that he would turn on him and kick him out.

\---

“I don’t know.” His voice was tight and he tried to move back further, finding himself stopped by Anders’ arms. “But you need to tell me what you know either way.” He didn’t have any sacred secrets, but he also said so little about himself around Anders, so it was very unsettling to think that somehow the mage would know anything about him.

\---

He could see that this wasn’t shaping up to be anything good, so he shook his head. “We can talk about this later.” When he wasn’t trying to pull away from him. If his assumptions from before were true, he knew that he shouldn’t be clinging to him at all, but he was starting to lean back in the other direction - that this was his Fenris and they were the ones that were remembering wrong.

Whether that was because he couldn’t bring himself to push away any ‘version’ of Fenris that he could touch and hold or because he really believed it was up for debate.

\---

“No, we need to talk about this now.” Fenris insisted, searching the mage’s expression. “You can’t tell me you know things that no one else could know and then not tell me what they are.” He was calm enough on the surface but it was clear enough that he was very anxious beneath it.

\---

“No.” He turned it right back around on him. “Why don’t we go lay down for a while?” He didn’t really care about eating, not with the way his stomach was feeling. “We can talk about it when we feel better.” He wasn’t feeling great himself, though the fact that he had proof did give him a buzz of excitement.

\---

“I’m fine.” He answered a little too quickly, because he definitely was not fine. “We can’t go lay down, I’m cooking for us. I said we can have dinner together and I’m making us something to eat.” It had seemed like an easy thing to agree to when he’d talked to Justice, but all of the mage’s clinging and emotions had complicated this and he was terribly overwhelmed.

\---

“I’m not hungry, I don’t want food. I want you.” He stepped closer to him, to get rid of the distance he’d put between them, though with his arms around him, it hadn’t been much. “You were holding me before…” He was very aware that the embrace they were ‘sharing’ was rather one-sided.

\---

“I know. You fell asleep so I wanted to make something for us to eat. I just have to finish it…” The elf’s voice was uneven and he seemed more and more upset though he didn’t try to pull out of his hold. This was a sudden and strange disruption to being alone all the time and it exasperated him that the mage was suddenly in his space and interrupting his routine.

\---

It was painfully clear that he wasn’t wanted, so he let go of him after an awkward pause, barely swallowing down the heartache he felt at reaching that conclusion. It wasn’t surprising, but it still hurt. He gave him the space he needed to finish cooking, sitting down in what would have been his usual spot at the table with slumped shoulders.

\---

As soon as he had some space, he began to calm down. He was able to get a grip on himself and he turned back to the food, which was overdone, but at least not burned. He put out the fire on the stove and found a glass container to transfer the newly cooked food into since neither of them felt up to eating anymore. “We can eat this later, when we’re feeling better. Once I clean this up, we can go lay down, alright?” Now that he had breathing room and was able to finish what he’d started, he was feeling up to more contact on his own terms.

\---

The mage didn’t respond, staring forlornly at a particular spot in the table. A spot that should’ve been dented from when he’d dropped a knife onto it one day, but was perfectly smooth. His face fell into his hands and his shoulders shook, but he reminded himself that he had his proof. Even if the rest of the world was lies, he knew the truth.

\---

Perhaps he didn’t want to lay down with him anymore, which was fine by him, but the offer had been made. When he finished cleaning up the mess of the uneaten dinner, he put the meal away and moved to the table. “I’m...not used to sharing my space.” To say the least. But he didn’t want the mage to break down again over it, so it was an attempt at an apology. He reached to put a tentative hand on his shoulder, thinking he would appreciate him initiating contact.

\---

After a long silence, he lowered his hands, his eyes fixing back on the smooth surface of table. There were all kinds of dings in it, but the one ding that should have been there wasn’t.

“I know,” he replied miserably, remembering that it had been an adjustment for both of them, but things had happened so gradually and so naturally that it hadn’t been a big deal.

\---

“...Do you still want to go lay down with me?” He knew he wouldn't be given any space that way, but he was tired and all the strangeness of all of this was draining. He could rest and if the mage fell asleep again, he could retreat for space as he had before.

\---

He nodded and rose to his feet, making his way to the bed before the elf and making himself comfortable on his side of it. He didn’t know what to make all of this and he didn’t know what to do - he’d been bent on getting to Tevinter and then he’d ended up here.

—

The elf watched him curiously, noting that he looked right at home in his bed. Fenris eased down onto it, his eyes fixed on Anders, leaving a little space between them, but not lying as far away as the bed would have allowed. “What do you know about me?”

\---

The mage met his gaze and frowned when he spoke, uncertain of if he wanted to get into it just now. He wanted to tell him, he just didn’t want it to result in him freaking out and he couldn’t gauge him. It felt wrong, since he thought he knew him well, but this Fenris was fundamentally different in some way that he could not pinpoint, apart from hating him.

He wanted to believe the proof would convince him that all of this was wrong and he’d want to help him to try to put everything back to normal. Everything from the scar on his arm to the dent on the table.

“I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot…” Using their current positioning as inspiration, “You always have trouble sleeping because you’re not use to it. You’re use to having to stay up for several nights in a row… but you got better at it with me. You were sleeping all the time and on the nights you couldn’t, you told me that you liked to watch me sleep…”

He quickly found that he preferred talking about their relationship, even though it wasn’t the hard proof that might convince him.

—

He looked a little stunned and frowned thoughtfully. Perhaps the mage would have noticed on missions that he rarely slept. But how would he know why? “...You're right. I don't sleep much. What else do you know?”

\---

He sighed, knowing that he would have to really go all out of he was going to accept that he knew things that no one else could. “...There’s a room in Danarius’ estate that all of the slaves dread. To not be brought in there is motivation and reward for all of them - it’s the room you woke up in.” The room where his memories started, or that was what he’d told him.

—

He listened closely, trying to understand how those words came out of Anders’ lips. “...No one outside of his estate knows about that room.” He didn't notice, but he was shaking lightly.

\---

He nodded, agreeing with him that no one would. “I told you. There’s another version of you somewhere. I don’t know how, I don’t know if it’s just you and you don’t remember, I don’t know why things aren’t right, but I’m not making this up.” He spoke earnestly, wanting to finally be believed, not humored.

—

“I don't know how you know that.” He shook his head, his eyes wide. “What else do you know? Something else no one would know about.”

\---

“Fenris, I know everything that you would tell someone you trust. I don’t want to go over everything, just believe me, please.” He didn’t want to list off all of the terrible things he’d been told and that’s most of what there was to tell.

—

“I don't trust anyone, I don't know what I would have told someone or why.” Having someone else know about him made him feel violated in a way, but he was more shocked than anything. “Just one more thing. Tell me one more thing you know. You're leaving me no choice but to believe you, I just...I don't understand how.”

\---

He bit his lip, his stomach squirming as he was told that he was finally believed. It wasn’t the relief he thought it would be, but only because he wasn’t sure what would come next.

“I know the first woman who showed you kindness after you fled taught you how to cook.” A little bit, anyway. The details of the story were foggy, but he remembered that he’d thought she’d meant to make him her slave after she found him on her property, but instead she’d fed and kept him, teaching him how to cook while she fattened him up.

—

Fenris gaped at him openly, so shaken by the words. No one knew about that. It just wasn’t possible. “I don’t…” He trailed off, not able to gather his thoughts enough for a sentence. He sat up, not to flee but simply too tense to stay lying down. It took a little while, but he was eventually able to speak. “I must have told you that. There’s no other way you’d know…”

\---

He wasn’t surprised to see him sit up, but it made his stomach tighten. “...Don’t leave me.” He wanted this to result in the opposite, not him abandoning him. He’d worried about that outcome and that was why he’d been so reluctant to talk about this tonight. “You told me because you trust me, because you love me.”

\---

“I'm not leaving.” This was all too bizarre. He ran a hand back through his hair, gripping his white strands when he had a handful of it. His light shaking had progressed to trembling and his breathing was quick. Who was this stranger in his bed? He had the face of a man he loathed, but he was a complete stranger. But a stranger who knew how to touch him and very intimate details about him he'd never speak of.

\---

He could see how hard it was hitting him and after giving him a while to process it, he offered him a strained smile. “Imagine how it felt for me.” He’d gone through the same thing, but worse. So much worse.

“You said you wanted to try, that you thought we’d be happier… if you meant that, will you help me figure out how to put everything back to normal? Back to my normal?”

—

Nothing felt even close to normal and he couldn't imagine anything being ‘normal’ again. He'd said that to humor the mage and keep him from going to Tevinter. But now, he wanted to know who this person was and why he would have trusted him with such information. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. After a few beats of silence, he nodded, then climbed out of the bed to pace.

\---

He pushed himself up when he left him on the bed, upset that he was moving further away. He crossed his legs and dropped his hands into his lap, looking rather vulnerable when all was said and done.

“I was thinking of going to Tevinter.” He imagined the elf wouldn’t like that, but he wasn’t going to drag him along, so it wasn’t a big deal. “This has to be magical, so my best shot for an answer is to go and search there.” 

—

“No!” Fenris said sharply, shaking his head. “No. You're going to stay here with me. You just have to help me remember. If my memory got changed again, there is no spell to fix it.”

\---

“It’s not just you, Fenris. It’s everyone. Everyone remembers what you remember. It would make sense that it’s me… that it’s my memory, but it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense at all and if there is an answer for it, it has to be there. Otherwise, there isn’t an answer and I can’t-...” He couldn’t finish, choking on the words.

—

“No. There are no answers there. We will fix this here.” Fenris snapped, refusing to even discuss Tevinter. He moved back to the bed, looking at Anders harder than he ever had, studying him. Looking for something that might jog his memory.

\---

He frowned, but was taken aback and left in silence when he began to scrutinize him. He didn’t say anything at first, waiting, but when it went on long enough, both his eyes and head fell.

If nothing else, he believed him, he wanted to help.

“Will you hold me again?” It was something that likely meant nothing to him, but the contact would make him feel so much better.

—

“In a minute.” Fenris said distractedly, his eyes still mapping out every contour of his face. If he knew Anders that well, to tell him about himself, he should know his face better than this. A hand lifted to explore as well, his thumb tracing a cheekbone, then dropping lower to follow the curve of his jaw. It was incredibly frustrating to not have even the slightest memory of telling him such things or touching him like this before, but it was frustration he knew well from having his memory erased years ago.

\---

He felt oddly insecure, but the touch was soothing and his eyes shut as he explored him. It was easier to take the scrutiny that way.

It was far better than being punched.

—

He went on touching him that way, exploring his brow, his nose, his lips, his chin. But nothing rang any bells he remembered the way Anders had kissed him so desperately and after a hesitation and a deep breath, he kissed him. He didn't know what he was doing, but maybe it would inspire some sort of memory. It was comforting in a way, but he didn't know if that was actually familiarity or just the contact.

\---

He was shocked when the lips touched his, but he didn’t hesitate to respond, his hands flying from his lap as he rocked up to his knees to close the distance between them.

His arms wrapped around him and kissed him hard, returning what had been tentative with something sure.

—

He was a little startled by the strong response, but relaxed quickly. It didn't feel very familiar, but it didn't exactly feel wrong either. He closed his eyes and buried his fingers into Anders’ hair, analyzing everything about the way the kiss and the hold on him felt.

\---

It wasn’t close enough for him and he started tugging on him as if to pull him onto the bed with him. There wasn’t anywhere for him to go, so he’d either have to lean into him or join him. As with before, he refused to give it up, drawing it out as long as he could, not caring if it made him completely breathless.

\---

His instinct was to not follow the pull and so he hesitated. But really, it might help. Apparently this was something they did often and maybe giving into it at least a little would help him remember something. So he leaned into him and started climbing onto the bed, unusually clumsy with the way he was shaking, and kissed him hard, desperately trying to find something familiar in this.

\---

The response was everything he could have wanted and so it was difficult not to get caught up in it - he ended up sliding his arms around his waist, pulling him in to be flush, and twisting them around to put the elf on his back so he could come over him. He kept their lips locked for the entire maneuver and when it was finished, became even more demanding.

\---

There was something alarming about being put on his back in the bed and he tensed sharply, his blood running cold. He didn’t want to feel so vulnerable and he found himself trying to get his hands between them so he could push him away for space if he needed to. He was getting better at kissing him, finding a smoother way for their lips to meet with a little practice, and focusing on that much helped to keep him a little calmer despite their positioning.

\---

After some time, he broke the kiss so he could work his lips down to his neck, breathing against it. “Light up,” he begged, before finding spot that he loved to suck on and latching to it. It was already good, but he knew what it could be and he wanted it badly - he’d gone too long without him.

\---

The sucking on his skin made him make a sound of surprise that was almost pained. Almost like he’d expected teeth, but he eased just slightly when it didn’t hurt. The request baffled him as much as it had the first time but he didn’t overthink it, letting the lyrium flood his skin as he tried to catch his breath from the kiss.

\---

His sucking became feverish and he made sounds as he bruised the skin with the eagerness to which he helped himself to his neck. It wasn’t enough for him - he wanted to be touched and so his hands found the elf’s wrists and he pulled them in to set them on him, silently asking him to feel him.

\---

His limbs were stiff with tension and he didn’t move easily with Anders’ urging. Still, when his hands were placed on the mage, he began to explore him with his fingers, looking for familiar lines and contours as he had with his face. It was much harder to concentrate this time though and he was starting to hyperventilate, too overwhelmed by all the sensation but afraid to bring a stop to it in case he was close to remembering any of this.

\---

The signs were there and it took some time to pay them mind, but they soon became too much to ignore and he forced himself to pull off, lowering his forehead to his shoulder and catching his breath. It had quickened and he had to put effort into reigning himself in. “Fenris,” he groaned quietly, not wanting to stop, but knowing what it had been like with him at first.

\---

Fenris was relieved to have the heat of his mouth off him for the moment. It had felt...nice. But with everything going on, it was too much. He was tempted to push the other away and retreat, but he was also comforted in some new, unfamiliar way by the weight over him. Completely conflicted, he put pressure on Anders’ chest as if he wanted him to back off, but the same time his fingers coiled in the fabric of his robe and tugged at the fabric to keep him close. He was gasping audibly, still too worked up, but was starting to calm now that the heat between them was cooling a little.

\---

He waited until they both had relaxed to speak, his voice soft. “You have to come back to me, love. I need you.” He would give anything to hear him respond to him as the man he knew, but he wouldn’t and it broke his heart. Even with all of this, it wasn’t enough. “I need you.”

\---

“I’m trying.” He was upset and it came through in his tone. “It doesn’t feel wrong. It even feels good. I just can’t remember…” He still didn’t know if it was the ghost of some memory that made kissing Anders feel right or if it was just pleasant sensation and that was driving him crazy.

\---

“I know, but I need you so badly, my beautiful elf.” Tears sprung in his eyes again, but buried as he was, it wasn’t obvious. “Just hold me, please.” There was no misery that could compare all the weeks spend with this dangling over him and he wasn’t sure he could have bore it any longer than he already had.

\---

It was so strange to be called that, but really, it was one of the least strange things that had happened that day. The request was an easier one to fulfill than the heated kisses they’d shared moments before so he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Anders. He held him close, finding it was really quite a comfort for himself to embrace him this way.

\---

He remained as he was, laying over and buried against him. The hold was a better comfort than anything else and he relaxed, settling both physically and emotionally. He didn’t feel the need to speak any further and so he didn’t, comforted as he had been before when he woke up in his arms.

—

His shaking finally subsided and the elf seemed genuinely calm for the first time since he'd spoken to the spirit. He still didn't understand this, but in the silence and with Anders’ weight over him without any pressure or movement, it didn't seem so distressing. He wasn't going to sleep, but he was drained enough from being so upset that in his comfort he was able to doze lightly and get a little much-needed rest.


	13. Chapter 13

At some point in the night, they had shifted into a more comfortable position. He found that Anders was right, he did like to watch him sleep. Though he was watching him sleep in another effort to study him for anything familiar. There was nothing, but he felt better for the rest anyway. He waited until morning when he felt the mage beginning to stir to reach out to him, running his fingers slowly up one of the healer’s arms. It was so strange to touch another person. Strange, but surprisingly pleasant. He wanted this to make sense to him, genuinely now rather than just in hopes of keeping the mage from going to Tevinter. When he woke, he’d make a suggestion in hopes that it would feel more familiar.

\---

When Anders woke, it was like it had been with Isabela, except this time he wasn’t mistaken about who he was with. Not entirely, anyway. When his eyes cracked open and he saw the elf laying in front of him, he smiled and reached for him, sliding his arm around him and pulling him in just a little. “Hi,” he murmured, his voice filled with sleep, but the smile remaining on his lips.

\---

“Avanna.” He was getting much more used to the mage’s need for close contact, so he didn’t tense this time as Anders pulled him in closer. “You were right. I like to watch you sleep.”

\---

His eyes opened wider at that and it read in them plainly when everything registered. It made him a little shy about what he had to say, but he was pleased. “Hopefully you got a little sleep too…”

\---

“A little.” Perhaps not real sleep. But he did doze off a little now and then and he felt much better for it. “I feel rested, anyway.” It had been surprisingly comfortable to lie with someone else and despite all that had happened, he’d ended up very relaxed through the night.

\---

That was good to hear and he nodded, “Good.” He wasn’t sure where to go from there and after an indecisive moment, he leaned in and pressed a soft and briefly lingering kiss to his lips.

\---

Fenris returned the kiss, still feeling awkward and clumsy, though he was getting better at meeting his lips. When he broke it, he looked to Anders, unsure and a little anxious. “...I want to try something today. I’m hoping it will help.”

\---

It felt so good for him to return it, even though he didn’t fully understand why he would. “...Okay, what do you want to try?” Help him remember? He still wasn’t convinced that this had anything to do with the elf’s memory… or at least his memory alone. It didn’t make sense, but then none of this made sense if he wanted to try something to fix it, the mage was more than willing.

\---

“Can you show me what our routine is like? I think maybe if we do things like we used to today, maybe it will help me remember something. Anything.” It was clear in his tone how much he wanted it to be true. He’d lost himself once when Danarius took his memories and he loathed the thought of losing more to the same sort of magic.

\---

He hesitated, considering the request, before taking his hand and pulling it up between them to hold. “I don’t know that it’ll be that simple to remember, love, but if that’s what you want to try, I’ll show you.” There wasn’t much to be said about it and… actually he didn’t really want to do their routine. “If we’re to do this properly… it means that I’ll be gone all day… I… really don’t want to go.”

\---

“...Then maybe we can do a normal day like that tomorrow.” He wouldn’t particularly mind being left alone for the day, but it did feel counterproductive at this point. “Today you can show me what a day is like if you don’t open the clinic.”

\---

He gave a sad chuckle at that. “If the clinic’s not open, I’m out with Hawke or I’m… doing other things away from you.” It was rare that they had a day together. Not unheard of, but it’d only happened a couple of times during their entire relationship. “I’ve always been a lot busier than you are.” He gave his hand a squeeze and pulled it up to press a kiss to his knuckles.

\---

He watched him kiss his knuckles, still so bewildered by all of these tender touches. But they really were quite nice. “Then I suppose we’ll have to spend the day apart. Since that is what we always do.”

\---

His expression fell at that. “...Tomorrow?” He didn’t want to leave him, not when he’d just gotten him back in some capacity. “We can just stay in today. We can talk or I can help you start to clean up around here - it looked a lot better when I was living here.”

\---

“We can wait until tomorrow.” He didn’t particularly want to. But it likely wouldn’t work as well if Anders was upset because they had to part. “We can just try to make today as normal as possible.”

\---

“...If this was a normal day, we wouldn’t be dressed.” He was sure that wasn’t something that he wanted to hear, but it was the truth. When they’d gotten intimate, they’d stopped wearing clothing to bed, even on nights that they didn’t rattle the bed. He certainly wouldn’t mind stripping down, but he imagined that wouldn’t be happening any time soon, if at all.

\---

“...Okay.” There was clear apprehension in his tone, but if that was the way things normally were, he would need to try it. He sat up and began to pull off his armor, tossing it aside as the pieces fell away from him. Doing this revealed a few more scars that he shouldn’t have from wounds that should have been healed, though he’d refused to even get salves from the mage at the time.

\---

He was taken aback when he started to undress without questioning him. He watched him for a long moment, just absorbing it, before starting to strip himself, loosening his robes and pushing them down and off. It didn’t take much to bare him and he returned to the position he’d started in when all was said and done, a slight chill on his skin from the air in the room.

\---

Fenris settled back down to the position he’d been in before, though he was tense now. He wasn’t sure what would follow, but he felt strongly that following the routine as closely as possible could spark a memory. “Now what happens?”

\---

He couldn’t help but feel awkward. “...I mean, it just depended on how we felt. We’d usually spend a little time in bed before we’d get up to eat. Sometimes we’d talk, sometimes we’d… cuddle.” It felt odd saying that aloud, but it was facts. “We had sex a lot… at night and in the morning.” His eyes fell at that, finger drawing an absent squiggle on the sheet between them.

\---

The elf gaped a little at that, as if Anders had told him that they did truly outrageous things. He shifted uneasily swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. “...We did? I just...didn’t think I would…” He trailed off, finding it hard to put his thoughts together. “With Danarius...I was used…” He trailed off again and gave a humorless chuckle. “I don’t need to tell you anything. I’m certain you know.”

\---

He gave him a sad smile, taking his hand again to hold it. “It took some time for you to be comfortable with it, but once you were… sometimes I would just walk in and you’d be stripping me of my robes.” He’d ended up being rather hot-blooded and the way they expressed themselves as such had ended up being one of Anders’ favorite things about their relationship. He’d never been so satisfied or had better sex in his life.

\---

“...Okay. Maybe...after we do that...I’ll be comfortable with it again.” It didn’t seem possible with the way his skin was crawling with the idea of being touched like that at the moment. By a mage, of all people. But apparently he’d gotten to a point before that he’d actually wanted to initiate sex with this person.

\---

“We don’t have to do it any time soon,” he assured him, wanting him to know there was no pressure. If he wanted to try it, he would be willing, but until then, he didn’t need it. “We can just lay together today.”

\---

“...Are there usually days that we don’t have sex?” If they did go without often enough, he would be more than happy to leave that out of the routine today. But if it was something they would normally do, he’d best try it at least once before the day was over.

\---

“From time to time.” Not usually, they usually did it at least once a day, be it in the morning or at night. If not, they usually did it the next morning. “If we had a busy day or… a bad day sometimes.” Sometimes they were too tired or not in the mood, sometimes they just wanted to be close and that was enough.

\---

“Today should not be busy or bad. So...maybe we’ll try tonight.” He wasn’t ready right now, but maybe after spending the day with him, he would be more open to the idea. For the moment, he pressed in closer to Anders, deciding that cuddling was a more appealing option.

\---

“If you want to.” He knew it would be difficult and he wasn’t looking forward to it, but he would do what he had to so that he felt comfortable and safe. When he came closer, Anders slid his arm around him and helped to pull him flush.

“I love you, Fenris,” he murmured to him, pressing his lips to the top of his head and shutting his eyes. “This has been… unbearable.” It was worth it to have this much. Even if it wasn’t enough, but it was better than what he’d had before.

\---

“I’m sorry I don’t remember. I’m sorry I was so cruel to you.” If he loved this man, he didn’t want him to suffer and he’d been suffering greatly for weeks now. All he could do now was try to fix it.

\---

The apology went a long way and as he had ever since this started, he began to tear up. He’d hit him, he’d spoken callously, he’d dismissed him, all these things that felt shitty coming from anyone, but felt wretched coming from the man he loved.

“It’s as if this was done to punish me.” It was his misery alone and he didn’t understand why. He’d considered that maybe it was the Chantry or the Circle, that they’d targeted him and done something to him, but he didn’t think they had the power. He’d considered it and dismissed it, but it made as much sense as anything else did.

\---

“I’m sorry.” It was so unlike him to apologize so much, but he didn’t know what else he could say. He stroked his fingers slowly up the mage’s bare back, finding the scars there but not lingering on them. If they spent a lot of time together naked, he should know the scars and it frustrated him that they had surprised him. “I will try my best to remember.”

\---

“We can do this for a while, but I want to try to find answers, I just don’t know how.” He did, but the elf didn’t want him doing it. “Can we agree that if we don’t come up with anything in a few weeks, we can talk about Tevinter?” If he had to go without his blessing, he would, it just didn’t feel right.

\---

“No.” He pulled back sharply, needing to meet his eyes. “No. There is nothing in Tevinter for you but death or corruption. Just give me time. More than a few weeks if that is what it takes. I will figure this out.”

\---

“...We’ll talk again then.” He wasn’t going to drop it, not entirely. If there were no answers, he didn’t have a choice. His own eyes were shining from the tears, but they hadn’t fallen. “I just want to hold you right now.”

\---

“You won’t have a different answer from me then. I’m still Fenris, I’m still the elf you want. I will find a way to remember and you’re not going there.” He had yet to settle back into the hold, still too worked up.

\---

A faint smile pulled at his lips. “You always were so determined.” He leaned in to kiss him, needing to feel his lips and after he pressed their foreheads together, shutting his eyes again. “I just need to you remember that it’s everything that we need to fix. Hawke and everyone else… If they don’t remember, then it’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

\---

“I don’t care what any of them think. I don’t care whether they remember or not.” Fenris growled, but he didn’t pull away from him. “This is about you and I. I will fix it.”

\--

That sounded like the elf he knew and he began to stroke his fingers along his side slowly, savoring the moment. “I love you.” The feeling was so strong in him that he couldn’t help but tell him. He wasn’t expecting to hear it back, probably not for a long time, but he couldn’t stop himself from admitting the truth.

\---

“I love you, Amatus.” He had no idea what love felt like. But it felt like the thing to say and it had come out naturally enough. He remembered Anders’ requests the day before and let light fill his tattoos, assuming he we would it again now.

\---

He’d calmed himself back down, but if there was anything that was going to break him without completely breaking him, that was it. He began to weep, lowering his head to tuck it against his neck. He knew that he didn’t mean it in the way that he did himself, but hearing it from him meant a lot to him. The lyrium helped to keep the weeping soft and calm, but he couldn’t stop.

\---

He didn’t know if he’d done the right thing or not with the way Anders was crying, but it was done so all he could do now was hold him. He kept the lyrium going to soothe him and stroked his fingers along his back again slowly while he gave him time to settle down.

\---

It took a long time for him to stop weeping and when he did, he was stuffed up and thirsty. It wasn’t enough to make him pull away, finding that this was everything that he needed. Those discomforts were nothing. The lyrium was giving him a peace that he wouldn’t have found otherwise and he ended up pressing a few kisses to the lines on his neck to show his appreciation and bask in it.

\---

He held him for awhile after he’d calmed, but finally pulled back a little to look at him. He didn’t stop the lyrium though, not sure if it was jarring to the other to stop it suddenly. “Why don’t we go get something to eat? We missed supper last night, you must be hungry…”

\---

He gave a little nod, though he was reluctant to let go of him and move. “Can we stay like this?” He meant naked and close. They normally dressed in the mornings, but he didn't want to lose that skin contact.

\---

“We can stay however we usually stay.” He wanted it to be as normal as possible. “Come. I can heat up what I made for us last night. I’m out of eggs…” He would have preferred that for breakfast, but leftovers would fill his belly just the same.

\---

“Okay,” he agreed, pushing himself up and getting off the bed, though as soon as they were on their feet, he went to him so he could stay close. He wasn’t normally nearly this needy, but after having been through so much and having been through it alone - for the most part - he couldn’t help but try to stay near him.

\---

He wasn’t sure if the proximity was normal, but he wasn’t going to ask. He’d just go with whatever the mage wanted to do so long as he wouldn’t talk about Tevinter any more. He was still anxious after the talk and so he didn’t mind the friendly presence, sticking close to him as he lead the way out to the kitchen and his small ice box where he’d stored their forgotten meal.

\---

He gave him space to move, but lingered close. As soon as there was a long enough break in which he wasn’t doing anything, Anders wrapped his arms around him from behind and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, taking a deep inhale of the scent of his hair.

\---

This time he was prepared for the hold, so he didn't mind the embrace from behind. He was able to get back to work that way, giving the meat and vegetables a stir over the fire while Anders held him. It didn't take long to warm it back up and he put a hand on one of the arms around him. “Let's eat. I'll grab plates for us.” It was definitely odd to eat breakfast naked, but he was hungry enough not to overthink it.

\---

He gave a nod and a squeeze, before letting go of him. He helped where he could, knowing where everything was without having to look or think about it. When they had their plates loaded with food, he headed with him back to the table and sat down in the usual spot - it really was too chilly to be wearing nothing, but he solved that by scooting in close to the elf.

\---

Fenris let him move close, also welcoming the warmth as the air chilled him once they’d separated. After skipping dinner the night before he was quite hungry and he dug into his breakfast with even more enthusiasm than usual. There wasn’t much since he didn’t have enough for both of them to have a generous portion, but he was pleased with what he had and before long he was all but licking the plate clean to get every last bit of it. “...Is this something I normally make for you?” He asked only when he’d finished his meal.

\---

“Not all that often, no. You usually like to pick up stuff from Lady Margo for us, but you’d started cooking more and more, so I am pretty familiar with this.” He ate it happily, not minding that it was left over from the night before. He could barely tell the difference.

\---

“That is what I wanted to get for us last night. Maybe we can go get a meal from her tonight. I don’t have enough in the pantry to cook anything else.” All he had in abundance was wine, but he was sure Anders already knew about that. He looked rather pleased, glad to know that he regularly cooked for someone else and they at least found it edible.

\---

“We can do that, but I want to come with you.” He didn’t want to be parted from him for any reason. Especially since he knew that the next day he would have to - he didn’t want to, but he had a feeling that the elf would insist.

\---

“Yes, we’ll stay together today.” There was no reason to seperate until they tried to keep their normal routine the next day. “So we ate breakfast. What do we usually do after we clean up?”

\---

“Um, well, like I said, normally we would get ready for the day and go our separate ways, so if we’re not doing that… We can do whatever we want. I wouldn’t mind helping you clean,” he reiterated, since the place was in desperate need of it.

\---

Fenris looked around at the dirt and disarray of his home, including broken glass and wine stains that he’d contributed on some of his worse nights. “You want to clean this place up? I guess I never thought it was worth the effort.”

\---

“You wanted to,” he told him, since the elf had put in far more effort into it than he had. “It was something you worked on sometimes while I was out for the day.” It hadn’t been ideal by any means, but it’d been a work in progress from what he remembered - basically it looked like they were starting from scratch, which was true enough and in more ways than one.

\---

“I did?” Fenris frowned at a large cobweb in one of the corners, then shrugged. Perhaps when someone else was living here with him, he'd cared enough to fix it up. “Then let's get cleaning.”

\---

“Sounds good.” He got up and, since they were going to be cleaning in here anyway, he just left his plate where it was while he got dressed. Warmer, he lead the charge, grabbing what rags he could find and fetching a bucket and water so he could start wiping everything down. “Do you want to move the broken furniture out? We were using that guest room on the south side of the bottom floor as storage for everything that needed to be thrown out.”

—

It was nice to be dressed again and he looked over the furniture in the room. “Almost all of it is broken.” He observed, then went to grab the first broken chair, silently agreeing with the suggestion as he started to haul it off.

\---

While he took care of the big pieces, Anders started in on the smaller details. Throwing away brokens bits of wood, glass, and any other trash he could see. He worked in sections, tossing out everything he could find and then wiping it down. Pretty much everything needed a more thorough scrubbing with soap, but what he was doing was getting rid of the loose dirt and dust and that was already a vast improvement to what it looked like before.

—

While Fenris was busy hauling pieces of a broken dresser down to the room for storage, softer footsteps approached the back room. Isabela stopped in the doorway, pleased to at least not hear sobs or shouting and when she saw Anders scrubbing away, she smiled. She knocked on the doorframe to announce herself, then put her hand on her hip. “I take it things are going alright if you're already sprucing up the love nest?”

\---

He straightened at the knock and turned to see Isabela watching him. Setting the rag down, he brushed his hands against his robes to dry the dampness off of them. He couldn’t help but frown at her wording, knowing that she’d not taken any of this very seriously. She never took anything very seriously.

“I’ve convinced him that I’m telling the truth and he wants to try figure this out with me.”  To him, it didn’t seem unreasonable at all that the elf would change his mind so simply, even if he’d been closed off before. He knew him and he knew what he had to say was the truth.

—

“That's good. I just wanted to check in on you since, ...well, you know how he can be.” The elf could be nasty and even dangerous if he felt cornered, so she'd been worried about leaving them alone overnight despite the way Fenris had been accepting Anders’ affection when they left. “Should we expect you tonight or are you staying here?”

\---

In a way he did and in a way he didn’t, but he understood what she was getting at and he brushed it off. “I’m going to stay here.” He didn’t want to stay anywhere else. The only thing that would stop him from staying here would be Fenris kicking him out and he didn’t think he would, not again, not with how determined he suddenly was to make this right.

\---

“It must have gone really well then.” The pirate sounded very pleased, already imagining what kind of steamy moments might have happened the night before. “Hawke or I could bring your things by later, unless you want to drop by some time to pick it up.”

She turned as she heard the elf returning and he paused to look at her, clearly a bit confused by her presence but not especially bothered by it. “If you’re here to help, there are more buckets and rags on the table.” He said before moving past her to grab the next hunk of furniture.

“Oh no, I don’t clean. I’m just visiting.” She answered quickly, still looking delighted by their progress.

\---

“Uh, we’ll come by and get it.” Since they were already going out to get dinner later, they might as well. Besides, he didn’t really want his alone time with Fenris interrupted. As much as he liked his friends, he needed this time with his elf.  “We’re doing fine, Isabela. If we have a problem, I’ll let you know.” It wasn’t the most courteous dismissal, but he knew she would probably linger if they didn’t push her out.

\---

Normally she’d stay when she knew she was unwanted just for fun, but she did want to give them more space for romance to blossom. “Alright, alright. I’ll see you boys later.” Preferably next time she’d drop in they would be naked and rutting wildly, but she wouldn’t get her hopes up just yet. She only got a distracted wave from Fenris, which was about as much of a parting gesture as she usually got from him, and she made her way out to tell Hawke how they were doing.

\---

As soon as she was gone, he was back to work, picking up trash and wiping everything down. It would take a long time to clear out the entire mansion, but if they kept this up, the room would at least be passable and that was precisely how he remembered it.

\---

Fenris was content to keep working through the afternoon and the more they cleared out the trash, the less pointless it seemed. He stopped to rest for a moment, after dozens of trips taking ruined furniture and then the trash Anders had collected down to the bedroom, and looked over the room. He was sweaty and smeared with dirt and grime, but he looked pleased. “It really does look a lot better already.”

—

“It does,” he concluded as he straightened up from where he was knelt on the floor. Even though the time hadn’t been spent together per se, having him come in and out while they worked together to clean up what he considered their home kept him content.

His back ached from the way he’d been hunched while cleaning the floor and he gave a dramatic stretch with a groan. “Just wait until when we finish the whole place - it’ll look like Hawke’s mansion.”

Sort of.

—

“Perhaps even better.” That was very doubtful. But perhaps if he used some of the coin he’d saved from missions to spruce up the place beyond general cleaning, it could end up being a pretty nice home. “Is this what I do when you go to the clinic during the day?”

\---

“Sometimes, yeah.” Not everyday, but he’d gotten a lot done over the months since his days were usually pretty free. He dropped his rag into a bucket and moved closer to him. He could see what a mess he was and knew that he didn’t look much better himself, though his robes had taken the worst of the it. “I’ll get a bath ready for you, okay?”

\---

The offer was a little strange and he tilted his head slightly. “I’m not too tired to draw my own bath. I don’t usually make you do things for me, do I?” He didn’t like the idea of someone else being subservient to him, even if it was a mage.

\---

“No, silly, it’s easier for me to do it. No fire needed.” He usually warmed the water for him, since it was quick and simple. “You can come with me or you can wait here.” Without waiting for a response, he made his way to do as he promised, filling the tub with water and then dipping a hand into it to start heating it.

\---

Fenris frowned as he realized that involved magic, but apparently it was something that he normally tolerated. At least it wasn’t magic directed at him. He followed along and busied himself with undressing himself, keeping a sharp eye on Anders. He wasn’t sheepish about undressing in front of him, but he was wary of the hand in the water, watching for any change despite the way he seemed relaxed around the mage up until he started using his magic.

\---

A little over a minute later, the water was nice and toasty, with steam rising from the surface of it. He drew his hand out and dried it off on his robes, rising up. “There you go, love.” He moved closer to him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, offering him a smile. “I’m going to wash my robes so they have some time to dry before we go out later.”

\---

“Alright. ...Thank you, Amatus.” It was a relief when the magic stopped, but he had to admit that the hot bath looked appealing and it would have taken him much longer to do it with fire. After a beat, he gave the other a quick kiss to his lips before moving to the tub to climb in. It still didn’t feel natural to kiss him or call him such things, but it didn’t exactly feel wrong either.

\---

The response made his smile brighten and he watched him for a long moment, before striding out of the bathroom with a bounce in his step. He cleaned up all of the dirty water and since he was washing his robes anyway, he piled up the rags to be washed as well. Stripping down to his inner robe, he began to scrub all of the dirty laundry, getting what discoloration he could out while still being gentle with the fraying fabric.

\---

The elf was content to soak in the water for quite awhile, taking the time to relax and enjoy a little time alone. It was only when the water was really beginning to cool that he made any effort to wash himself. When he was clean, he climbed out of the bath and dried off quickly, his damp hair hanging in his face. He took up his armor then, washing and oiling it before dressing himself and heading out to find the mage.

\---

He’d long since finished washing up and he had his robes hanging near the fire that he’d created to dry it. He finished cleaning up a little here and there, just putting finishing touches, though there was still plenty to be done. He’d taken to sitting in the elf’s chair, though when he came in, he quickly rose to his feet. “All done? I think I’m going to slip in myself real quick.” He just wanted to get the dirt off of himself really fast.

\---

It was a little surreal to see the healer get out of his chair, but then, everything had been surreal lately. He nodded and went to join him near the fire. “Then we’ll go to Hawke’s and Lady Margo’s?”

\---

He nodded and since he was close, he couldn’t resist closing the distance to take another kiss from him, though this time he tried to linger. After an entire day with almost no contact, he wanted to be close to him again, but it wasn’t the time for it yet. He’d take what he could get and this kiss was what he wanted.

\---

He was getting better at responding the the kisses and he was less clumsy about melting into this one. He even went so far as to reach up and rest a hand on Anders’ cheek. This much was getting easier for him, but it made him a bit anxious as he was reminded that he intended to give sex with him an attempt later that night. He had time yet to mentally prepare for that and until then he was happy to keep up simple kisses.

\---

It didn’t take much for the mage to fall right into the kiss, stepping closer so they were chest to chest and sliding his arms around him. He drew it out as long as he could and when it broke, brushed their noses together. “I love you.” He’d told him that many times already, but he wanted to say it again and again. He was making up for lost time and even if this was ‘wrong’, he found it easier than he would have thought to take it for what it was worth.

\---

“I love you too, Amatus.” It felt slightly less strange every time he said it. But it didn’t change the fact that he was saying it to a mage and he wasn’t sure how long it would be before that didn’t rub him the wrong way. Still, he found that he really didn’t mind being held and he shifted to embrace the other in return.

\---

“I don’t want you to stop saying it, but you’ll tell me when you mean it, won’t you? When you remember?” Or when he just changed and was the man he was supposed to be?

\---

“I’ll tell you when I remember.” He didn’t want to outright say he didn’t mean it, even if he didn’t. He was trying to mean it and he felt like he just needed a little more time. “I have to remember something soon. Maybe as soon as we return to our routine.”

\---

Anders didn’t think it was that simple, not with everything that was wrong, but he wasn’t going to argue, not now. Not while he was being so open to this. He didn’t want to shoot down any of his ideas in case he decided this wasn’t right and he didn’t want to continue. “I’m hungry, but I want to stay like this…”

\---

“I'm hungry too. Once we get something to eat, we can spend the rest of the evening this way.” The hold was rather nice and he didn't mind the idea. But staying that way with a full belly would be much better.

\---

“Okaaay,” he grumbled, stealing a peck and pulling away. He moved pass him to go to the bathroom and gave himself a quick scrubbing. Just enough to get rid of the dirt, though he was in need of an actual bath - his hair was beginning to look rather greasy. He got out, gave himself a hasty drying, and by the time he returned, he was about as damp as his robes and while not as comfortable as they would have been dry, he had no complaints as he pulled them on.

\---

While he was waiting, Fenris had taken his seat by the fire. Everything still felt strange, but it was nice to keep having moments like this to have some space for himself. When the mage returned to dress, he watched him thoughtfully. “Off to Lady Margo’s?”

\---

“Yep, let’s go.” He’d gone with him before to get stuff and he knew where to go. It wasn’t a long walk and, given they weren’t held up at Hawke’s, they would be back before long. Even though they’d never been all affectionate in public, he couldn’t help but take his hand and keep hold of it when they got outside.

\---

The hand-holding was a little jarring and his instinct was to pull away. But after a slight flinch, he relaxed into it and left their hands clasped as they walked. He hoped that the other would let go once they’d walked for awhile and give him his hand back, but he tolerated the hold until they reached Lady Margo’s. Her mansion was buzzing with activity inside and out as it always seemed to be, with young adults from Darktown tending her garden and cleaning her windows. The first time he’d come by, he’d been deeply disturbed to see this, thinking that this woman was “employing” servants. But he’d warmed considerably when he’d found that these people did favors for the elderly woman in exchange for meals when they couldn’t afford to pay her for them.

He lead Anders up the walk to her home and stepped inside without knocking as he always had, moving past the people cleaning her already clean foyer to the kitchen where the woman could be found nearly all hours of the day and night. “Two plates, Lady Margo.” Fenris said by way of greeting, having to speak up over the sound of people tending to dishes or chopping ingredients. She had plenty of help in the kitchen, but the woman never let anyone else actually prepare the food, insisting that it was for her to do. “Ah good, you’re still much to skinny. Are you sure you don’t want three?” Margo called back from where she was roasting meat, not turning to see that the elf had someone with him for a change.

\---

When they got inside, Anders smiled to see the kind woman who did as much for the people of Darktown as he did working away. “Good evening, Lady Margo,” he spoke up, having established a bit of a repertoire with her. He respected her and she respected him, both having heard about the other even before they met thanks to Fenris.

\---

The new voice surprised her and the lady turned from her work to get a look at him. She was slow, heavy-set, and quite old, but her eyes were sharp and she studied him for a moment before turning her attention back to a pot on her stove that was beginning to sizzle and needed to be stirred. “Good evening, child. Are you here with sweet Fenris?”

Fenris had raised a brow when Anders addressed the woman, surprised that he seemed to know her, though he knew he shouldn’t be. It was stranger still that Margo didn’t seem to know who he was in return. “He is. I think you’ve met before. You remember Anders, don’t you?”

“Anders...that is the healer from Darktown, yes?” Though she’d asked Fenris, he didn’t need to answer. A handful of people in the kitchen were already confirming and speaking his praises. “In that case, I’m quite happy to meet you, Anders.”

\---

Anders blinked and when he realized that she didn’t know who he was, he couldn’t help but feel… awkward and bad. Mostly bad. It was yet another reminder that all of this was wrong, but he tried to take it in stride. He put on a smile for her and nodded, “It’s nice to meet you as well, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

\---

“As I have heard much about you. These little ones go on and on about how much you help them.” Margo was given two plates by a young girl who was putting dry dishes away and began to serve up their meals - roasted beef, rice pilaf, and a thick, seasoned gravy to go over both. On the edges of their plates, she added a little of the peach cobbler she’d made for dessert. She covered them and brought the plates over to the men, her gait slow and a little uneven with arthritis, though she still seemed to get around alright and it was one more task she never allowed the others to help with. Fenris took his plate from her and gave her a few coins in return, knowing she would accept no more.

\---

He thanked her with another smile, no less forced. Warm, but forced. He held the plate close, wishing her well, before heading back out the way they came. He greeted some people along the way, holding onto his front, but as soon as they were off of her property, he was relieved. He hated this. He was quiet for the walk to Hawke’s, only speaking up when he knocked on the door and the man answered.

\---

“Hey, good to see you two together.” Together and not trying to kill each other. Hawke stepped out of the way to invite them in. “I see you brought your dinner along so you’re probably not meaning to stick around. You can take all of your things if you want to, but you’re welcome to leave a few things. Just in case you want somewhere else to stay once in awhile.” He didn’t know if perhaps they’d want a little space even if they were trying to make a relationship happen and though Fenris said nothing, he looked to Anders curiously.

\---

Anders slipped inside, wanting to get this over with so they could have time alone, but he didn’t want to be rude, so he didn’t rush to grab everything immediately. “That’s alright, I’ll just stay at home.” He already considered the elf’s place his home, so it was natural for him to claim it to be so and to want to be there.

\---

“If you’re sure. But even if you’re not sure, you’re always welcome back if you want to. Fenris too, of course.” Hawke added quickly, not wanting the elf to think he wasn’t invited if he needed space. The elf just shrugged and when Hawke tried to lift the covering of his plate to get a peek underneath, he pulled it away defensively. “You know where Lady Margo lives, get your own.”

\---

The mage chuckled, finding his antics amusing. “Thanks, Hawke.” He didn’t plan on taking him up on that offer, but he appreciated it. He offered the elf his plate, so he could hold it for him, before heading to the guest bedroom to grab his things. It didn’t take but a minute for him to have everything stuffed in a bag and he returned to them. “All done,” he announced, taking the plate back.

\---

Fenris handed over his plate to him, having been chatting with Hawke to pass the time while Anders had been packing, but he looked ready to go. He was intimidated by what was to happen later in the evening, but he was eager to go home and eat at least. “Alright, you kids have fun tonight. I’ll try to keep Isabela out of your hair but she feels like she needs to ‘help’ you two...do whatever it is you do. So no promises.” He was sure Isabela really did want to help, but more than anything, he was sure she wanted a peep show.

\---

“We’re doing just fine and you can tell her that from me.” He felt the need to prove this and he ended up taking the elf’s free hand in his, displaying the closeness they’d achieved. As if would prove to the rogue that he’d been telling the truth all along.

\---

“I will. But we both know she won’t listen.” The rogue said with a chuckle, though it was very odd to see the two of them standing there holding hands. “I’m sure it won’t take her long to see that things are fine now.”

“She can drop by as much as she normally does. We’re trying to establish our routine again.” Fenris said very quietly, as if discussing it might ruin what he was trying to accomplish.

\---

Everyone seemed to be taking this in stride and really, that was more than he could’ve asked for. He wanted everything to go back to how it was supposed to be, but lacking that, this was so much better than the alternative. The alternative where everyone told him he was crazy to told him to get over it.

“Yes, he thinks it will help to do everything as we normally do, so… if you have any jobs for us… try to keep us together, okay?”

\---

Was it really normal for them to do jobs together? His normal was to keep them as far apart as possible. He knew better than to ask and the rogue just smirked. “You bet. I’ll try to at least give you another day or so off. But when something does come up, I’ll do my best to keep you two together.”

\---

He gave a nod and a thanks and then looked to the elf. “Ready to go? Don’t want it to get too cold.” He lifted a plate a little for emphasis, while squeezing his hand.

\---

Fenris nodded as well, wanting to get to their dinners while they were still warm. “Goodnight Hawke.” He turned to lead the way out then, ignoring the rogue as he called after them that he’d try to at least keep Isabela from coming over during hours that they would likely spend naked together. That thought was hilarious to Hawke, but it would be rude of him to say so.

\---

Anders rolled his eyes and cast a nervous look to Fenris, worried that he would get worked up by the ribbing. He was relieved that he didn’t seem to and he squeezed his hand again, trying to catch his eye and give him a smile as they walked. When they returned to the mansion he felt a lot more comfortable - there wasn’t anyone around to point out how wrong all of this was, even if the mansion itself did just that.

After picking up some silverware, he made his way to the table and, as he had through all of this,  he sat in his usual spot, getting comfortable and digging in.

\---

Fenris had tried to return the smile on the way back, but it was rather weak. He was also unnerved by Margo making it clear that she didn’t know Anders. It meant just falling back into a routine was less likely to work, but for now, he was determined to at least try it. When Anders settled into his seat, he placed his own meal down, then went to fetch a bottle of wine. He returned with it and two glasses, but as he began to pour his own, he looked to the mage. “...You don’t drink wine, do you…” It wasn’t really a question. He’d seen him turn down drinks, but he wasn’t sure if it was just something he didn’t like to do around the others.

\----

“No, I don’t.” Not really by choice, but he’d gotten use to staying sober. “Justice doesn’t allow it, so I haven’t had a drink since we joined.” He shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal, continuing to eat.

\---

“Oh...I only have water then.” He finished pouring his own glass, then set the bottle down and went to fill Anders’ wine glass with water before returning it to him. He took a sip of his wine and felt like he should ask how much he normally drank, having a feeling that he indulged considerably less if he was with someone. But tonight he was need to be able to relax, so that question could wait until later.

\---

“That’s fine,” he replied dismissively, unconcerned about it. He thanked him for the water and sipped at it. For a while, he ate in silence, but he felt the need to talk, so he ended up starting a lame attempt at a conversation. “It looks a lot better in here already… It’ll probably be best to work on one room at a time, so we can finish this one up and make it look really good.” It was the room they spent most of their time in anyway, so it would be nice to have it done.

\---

“I’ll work on it tomorrow when you’re away. That is something I would usually do anyway.” Fenris was eating heartily, his appetite undaunted by his unease, though he did seem tense and a little fidgety. He’d finished his first glass of wine quickly, then went right on to the second, hoping to deaden the gnawing dread that was starting to settle in now that they were home and it was closer to time to go to bed.

\---

Anders was aware of how much he was drinking, but it wasn’t at a point that he felt like he should say something. He knew he use to drink pretty often before they became close, but he’d cut back a lot, especially when they started living together. If he kept going, he might speak up, but until then, he tried to focus on what they were talking about. “I look forward to seeing it when I get back then.” He didn’t really want to part from him and the prospect made him upset, but it was part of ‘the routine’.

\---

“I’ll try not to disappoint then.” He didn’t know how long Anders was usually gone, but he imagined he could still get a lot done in that time. He he finished his meal and was on to the cobbler, giving a hum of approval and muttering something under his breath about needing to learn how to make sweets. He had drained another glass by then and was pouring his third, not seeming ready to slow down.

\---

When he was finished pouring the glass, Anders reached out and placed his palm over it. “I hope you’re not trying to get drunk.” He didn’t want that to be how he dealt with being in his presence.

\---

Fenris was surprised by the intervention and he looked a little self-conscious, looking between his glass and the mage. “...It’s still the first bottle. Do I not usually drink much?”

\---

“No, you don’t.” He left it at that, not wanting to explain more than that and keeping  his hand over the glass. “If you want to stick to the routine, you should stop.” That seemed an easy way to get what he wanted, not to mention he wasn’t lying.

\---

“...And I still sleep sometimes if I don’t drink?” He lowered his eyes, his expression hard to read, but not far from shame. He leaned on wine quite often to get him through the nights and this night in particular he felt that it would help him do what he needed to with the mage.

\---

“You slept yesterday, didn’t you?” He couldn’t remember him drinking, which didn’t necessarily mean anything, but he thought it proved his point.

\---

“...A little.” He released his wine glass and went back to his dessert, though now he was pushing it around more than eating it. “I’ll try to cut back. But I don’t think I can just stop.”

\---

That was all he could ask, so he finally pulled his hand back and finished his own meal. “That was really good, I’m glad we went.” He tried to offer him a smile, wanting to lighten the mood.

\---

“Me too.” He stood and collected their dishes, taking them over to the basin to be washed. He returned for the glasses and he gave his own glass, still full of wine, a long hard look. But after a beat, he carried it over with the rest of the dishes and dumped it out.

\---

Decided he wanted to get comfortable, he made his way over to the fire to sit while he did the dishes. It was a chore they often swapped, so since he already started on them, he figured he’d clean up the next night. Unlike the elf, he hadn’t put a lot of thought in what was to come, particularly because he didn’t really believe it would happen. Even if it did, he was imagining something a lot different to what the warrior probably was.

\---

Fenris finished cleaning up after dinner, glad to have the time to himself to think. He felt better for the slight buzz he had from the wine he’d gotten at least. When he finished, he moved to join Anders by the fire, pleased that the other hadn’t wanted to go straight to bed. “I’ll pick something up to cook tomorrow.”

\---

“Sounds good.” In the truth he knew, there were two chairs by the fire, so they could sit together without sitting together, though that never stopped them. The mage loved being in his lap and loved having him in his lap, so they were often on top of each other in some way or another. Since there was only the one, he decided to pat his lap, to see if he would be interested in joining him.

\---

Having gotten quite a bit of space to himself today, Fenris found that the invitation didn’t make him uncomfortable. He was a little awkward easing into the mage’s lap, clearly unused to using anyone for a chair. But it was clear that he didn’t mind the idea because once he was on Anders, he curled up quite comfortably against his chest.

\---

 

He slid his arms around him and lowered his head to his shoulder. “I missed you today.” Not actively, but he was more aware of the space that had been there when he was close like this. He really didn't want to go tomorrow and in the morning, he’d probably address it, but for now he just wanted to enjoy the time with him.

\---

“It was a good day though.” They had gotten a lot done and he really had felt surprisingly relaxed in his presence for most of the time. He closed his eyes, finding the combination of his body heat with the nearby fire quite pleasant.

\---

“It was, but I missed you.” He turned his cheek to press a few kisses to his shoulder. “Can we take off our clothes again? I want to feel you.” Without all of that armor to separate them.

\---

“Yes. ...Do you want to go to bed for that?” He climbed out of his lap before waiting for an answer, starting to undo the fastenings of his armor. He was nervous, but did his best not to let it show despite how tense his posture had become suddenly.

\---

He watched him, seeing his discomfort plainly. “If you want. We don’t have to.” He wouldn’t mind just sitting by the fire for a while, he just wanted the skin contact. He wasn’t asking for more than that.

\---

It wasn’t about what he wanted. It was about doing things the right way. Rather than respond, once he was bare he moved back to the chair and leaned over Anders, starting to work at undressing him. He fumbled a little, but it didn’t take him long to figure out how to start pulling off the layers of his robes.

\---

He let him work, deciding not to intervene, but when he had to get up to let his robes drop, he helped by way of rising to his feet. As soon as he was naked, he sat back down, holding out his arms to welcome the elf back into them.

\---

Fenris drew a deep breath and rather than simply sit down on him as he had before, he climbed forward to straddle him. He let the light flood his markings and kissed Anders hard, closing his eyes tightly. Being bare gave him a chill despite the nearby fire and he found it easier to press himself into him as he settled onto his lap.

\---

The initiative surprised him, but he responded to it not only positively, but quickly. He slid his arms around him, sucking in a sharp breath when the lyrium settled into him. He kissed him hard, his palms flat on his back and rubbing in a sweeping motion.

\---

He shivered a little when the hands stroked his back, something deep inside of him expecting searing pain to follow them. But this wasn’t Danarius. This was someone who claims he would never hurt him. He felt like he believed that was true...so long as he did what he wanted him to, anyway. His fear translated to desperation in the kiss, parting his lips and tempting his tongue inside in an almost needy way.

\---

After so long without him, it didn’t take much for this to get to him. Their naked bodies pressed so close alongside the sudden neediness was enough to start hardening him. His slipped his tongue into his mouth and explored it as if he hadn’t already memorized every part of it.

\---

His tongue, though invited, brought more shivering to him as the mage explored his mouth. He wasn’t going to hurt him, he continued to remind himself. He could even put a stop to this if he wanted to and he didn’t think Anders would use his magic to hurt him. Or paralyze him and take what he wanted anyway. That familiar thought made his blood go cold and he couldn’t help but break the kiss. He quickly recovered and not wanting him to think that he was no longer consenting, he began to kiss down his neck as if he’d deliberately broken the kiss for that purpose.

\---

He groaned softly under his breath, his head tipping back as his lips moved across sensitive skin. It was hard to focus like this, but he’d gotten better with overcoming the influence of his lyrium throughout the course of their relationship. “Fenris,” he murmured, his fingers continuing to trail over him, “I want to please you. Let me, please?” Rather than full on sex, he thought it would be easier to just give to him and so he could see that it was okay.

\---

“You can take me. I just want to please you first.” He assumed that Anders meant he wanted to fuck him when he spoke of ‘pleasing’ him. He kissed down lower, sliding off of his lap when he got low enough and wasting no time in kneeling in front of the chair. He wrapped his lips around Anders and sucked hard, wishing that after all these years it didn’t feel so familiar, and hoping that the entire encounter would be shorter if he could suck him enough before they got to business.

\---

That wasn’t what he’d meant, but before he could clarify, the elf was on his knees and sucking on him. He groaned, his hips tilting closer to his mouth instinctively. For a long moment, he just let him suck, unable to bring himself to stop it, but after it’d gone on for a few beats, he pressed a hand to his shoulder, pushing him back.

“That’s not what I meant, love. I meant that I can suck you like this.” He’d be happy if they sucked each other just like this, he didn’t need more than that.

\---

Fenris looked almost a little alarmed when he was pushed away. He didn’t know what exactly he wanted of him and when he explained, the elf cocked his head a little. “...Why? You said we have a lot of sex…” He was shaking a little, unsure of what to do if Anders wouldn’t let him suck him.

\---

“We do, but I know this is difficult for you.” He wasn’t in a rush to do this. “I think it would be easier if you just let me please you.” He reached to give his cheek a stroke with his thumb. “I know just what you like, my beautiful elf, I can make you feel really good.”

\---

He wasn’t sure he agreed. He felt like it would probably be easier to just bend over and wait for it to be over. But Anders seemed very sure that he knew how to ease him into this, as it seemed he’d done this once before. He didn’t flinch back from the hand despite his shaking and he nodded slowly. “I don’t...I don’t know what I like.” Or how to accept such pleasure at all, really.

\---

The smile he gave him was sad, but filled with understanding. “That’s alright, I can show you.” He knew what he liked and he knew that he could make this good for him. “After, you can decide if you want to return the favor, but you don’t have to.” He stood up, moving out of the way. “Why don’t you sit down and get comfortable?” As comfortable as he could get while he was so nervous, anyway.

\---

Even when Anders rose, he remained where he was, kneeling on the floor. He seemed at a loss for what to do with himself. “I could finish for you first. You’re already hard…” That was at least familiar territory for him and he wouldn’t mind doing it, especially if he didn’t mean to fuck him afterward.

\---

“Don’t worry about me,” he insisted, kneeling down on the floor beside him. He slid an arm around his waist to pull him in against his side so he could lean down and kiss his shoulder. “Let me show you.”

\---

Fenris pressed into his side and buried his face into Anders’ shoulder, clearly more interested in a cuddle than positioning himself to be pleased at the moment. “Just tell me what you want me to do.” Any way he could be compliant and reduce the chance of him using some sort of magic means to hold still, he would do.

\---

“I just want you to sit down and get comfortable,” he repeated softly, using his hold on him to urge him up. He didn’t want him to feel like he was being forced, though, so he was quick to qualify. “We don’t have to do this at all if you don’t want to, though.”

\---

“This is what we do. And we both like it.” He followed the prompting and settled into the chair, fidgeting until he felt somewhat comfortable. It was nice to be upright at least, as opposed to trying this lying down on the bed. He felt a little less vulnerable and his hands gripped the arm rests. His lyrium had nearly died out in their conversation, but he renewed the flow of it as he waited.

\---

He nodded in agreement - he wasn’t wrong, they did do this and they did like it. “That’s right.” He moved in to settle himself between his legs, setting his hands on his thighs, and leaning in to kiss the middle of his chest. “It’ll be okay, love. Better than okay.”

\---

“Okay, Amatus.” He was seeming to calm down a little with the reassurance, but he was still very tense. One of his hands moved to settle over Anders’, part of him still bewildered that he would find himself seeking comfort from a man he should loathe. “Was I like this before? Did I not like to be touched?”

\---

They’d already touched on this topic briefly, but they hadn’t really sunken into it. “A little, but it didn’t take long for you to like it.” He began to run his hands slowly over the firm skin, fingers seeking the lines to trace. “You just had to see that it was okay.” Which was exactly what he intended on doing, his lips trailing down his stomach slowly, taking his time to reach where he wanted to work.

\---

Fenris nodded, relieved that Anders had already helped him past this uneasiness once. He parted his legs a little, wanting to cooperate though he was still rigid with tension. “I’ll be okay. Just show me.”

\---

At that, he leaned in to press a kiss to his cock, honestly looking forward to sucking on it. He loved sucking on him, particularly when he lit up like this. Since there was only a hint of arousal, he didn’t go straight for the kill, rather he began to kiss and lick around his groin, letting a hand to slide in and rub him as he teased him with his mouth.

\---

His breathing picked up after the kiss, but he was a little relieved when he started to work on the area around it instead. He flinched a little when the hand moved in to rub him, but he relaxed quickly. “Don’t stop, I’m alright.” He didn’t think it would be the last time he’d flinch away from a touch, but it really wasn’t bad and the attention had his cock perking a little more already.

\---

He took his time, just enjoying the fact that he was able to do this at all. He licked and licked, unable to get enough of him, and when it seemed there was enough for him to wrap his lips around, he did exactly that. He sucked on him, using his tongue to touch the  spots he knew would really get him going.

\---

The elf made a muffled sound, something usually reserved for pain though there was a hint of something more pleasant in it. His heart was pounding in his ears and his instincts screamed that it would become painful soon, but he didn’t do anything to stop him. Though he shifted back in the chair a little as if trying to get away from the warmth of his mouth, good as it was, he made no real effort to break the contact between them. Despite his anxiety working to numb the sensations, it really did feel nice and Anders knew him well enough to draw a soft little moan from him before long.

\---

His lips quirked a little with the moan and he took hold of his hips as he began to bob his head, starting shallowly so he could make thorough work of him with his tongue. Sucking him was so satisfying, felt so good, that he couldn’t help but grow hungry in the way he was taking him in, wanting every bit of him, though he continued to pace himself for the sake of the elf.

\---

He was entirely hard in his mouth now and as much as he liked the sensation, it was also overwhelming. He shifted uneasily and his hand fell over one of Anders’, gripping it almost as if he meant to pull it off of him. But he didn’t tug at him and eventually a mumbled Tevene sentence escaped him in a low groan.

\---

He pulled off of him, using his free hand to stroke him as he began to kiss and suckle on his sack, wanting to draw this out as much as he could and give him all manner of sensations to enjoy. Still, it was hard for him to stray for long, not when closing his mouth around him gave him a rush of pleasure all his own - he was so hard himself and having let go of him, he couldn’t help but drop his hand down to start touching himself.

\---

Giving him a change in sensations brought him a new rush of uneasiness, but it ultimately worked in his favor because he actually relaxed a little when Anders began to suck him again. The pleasure was beginning to overtake his apprehension and there was a noticeable change in his movements as his uncomfortable squirms turned to slow writhes of need. “Amatus…”

\---

He hummed, wanting him to know how much he loved this and how much he loved hearing that word from his lips. He took him deeper and deeper this time, his hand matching the pace so he could keep up with him. He groaned around him, the sound heavily muffled, his eyes flicking up to fix on his face. He was so stunning, especially when the pleasure became visible in his expression.

\---

His hand moved to slide into Anders’ hair, mussing it and knocking much of it loose from where it was tied. The more he let himself indulge in the pleasure, the more his body ached for it, desperate for release after going so long without being touched by anyone. He whimpered and pushed his hips into Anders’ mouth, shameless in his need.

\---

He was incredibly receptive to the push, giving another hum to encourage him to continue - he wanted him to thrust into his mouth. He wanted him to participate as he lost himself more and more, just as he knew that he would. This was all he needed. If this was where everything stopped, he would be satisfied that he’d gotten his fill of his cock.

\---

He didn’t quite get the hint, but he did keep his hips pressed greedily forward as Anders’ took him deep. He muttered something that sounded like a plea in his native tongue, his head falling back and his lips parted as he forgot all about his reservations against this for the time being. It wasn’t going to take much more and though his body said that clearly enough in the little shudders it started to give, he warned him anyway. “I’m...I’m going to…”

\---

He began to stroke himself faster, frantically now, wanting to be just as worked up, especially as he came into his mouth, but he wasn’t quite there. He knew if he was going to milk the elf properly that he needed to use his hand, so in the last moments, he let go of himself and took hold of him instead, stroking him in the same manner, so he could suck and rub the head of him with his tongue and take a full shot of his load on the flat of it.

\---

He gasped when Anders began working him just right with his tongue and for the last few moments before he came, he was so overwhelmed with pleasure that he forgot to breathe. His hand tightened sharply in the mage’s hair as he spilled, his load incredibly thick and heavy after going so long without any release. He was panting harshly as it ended, his body still tightly wound with tension as if it may never truly relax again even as he started to come down from his orgasm.

\---

He was delighted to feel and taste his release, letting it gather in his mouth to savor it, before swallowing. He used his hand to milk him, giving him firm pumps as he sucked, wanting to draw out his release and to take everything he had to offer. He tasted so good, unlike any other man he’d ever sucked, and with the bonus of the lyrium, it was downright intoxicating. He eased off of him when he could tell that he’d had enough, lowering his cheek to his thigh to rest it there.

\---

Fenris was still beside himself with pleasure even as he recovered, every nerve ending feeling like it was ablaze. When everything quieted, his anxiety came rushing back, but it had lost the sharp edges that had been gnawing at him before. It hadn’t hurt. None of it had hurt and as promised, the mage had made it very good for him. Without the heat of his mouth, he felt a little chilled, though he was sure it was less about temperature than it was about trying to process all of this. He eased himself down to the floor, crawling back into the mage’s lap with no need for an invitation this time. He didn’t seem to notice how hard the other was at the moment, pressing tightly to him as he caught his breath.

\---

He leaned back when he started to move, his uncertainty turning to warmth as he was joined on the floor. He wrapped his arms around him, holding him securely and going so far as to rock them lightly. “That’s better, isn’t it?” he cooed, fingers stroking back and forth over his skin.

\---

The elf nodded against him, but said nothing. He allowed himself to be rocked, trying to push away all the thoughts of the bedroom in Tevinter he’d spent so much time in. This really hadn’t been anything like that at all. Anders had been so gentle, so considerate. He wasn’t asking anything of him in return. This was apparently something very normal between them, something they both sought regularly from each other. He clung to him in silence, letting the warmth of the hold soothe him.

\---

He nodded in return, continuing to to rock. “I would never hurt you. Never.” It still broke his heart that they thought he could, that they thought he had. “You’re everything to me, my love.” The love he bore for him was unlike anything he’d ever felt. There was little he wouldn’t give to make him happy and keep him safe.

\---

It took awhile for him to speak up and when he did, it was only a whisper. “It didn’t hurt. You didn’t hurt me at all.” Though he didn’t want to move at all, he finally started to shift off of his lap. “Sit up in the chair, Amatus.”

\---

“Never,” he repeated, wanting to make sure he knew it so well that it became as intrinsic to him as it was for the elf he remembered. He knew what he was getting at and he kept his arms around him so he couldn’t move. “Don’t worry about me.” He didn’t want him to have to go any further with this, not this time. “We’ll worry about that another time.”

\---

“You’re so hard though. I want to return the favor.” He really did want to, to thank him rather than out of the obligation he felt before. When he was kept in place by his hold, he simply reached down between them so he could take him in hand and start to stroke.

\---

He sucked in a breath and held it, his eyes shutting and his forehead falling to his shoulder. “Fenris…” He was insisting and didn’t want to continue fighting him on it, not if he really wanted to. He wanted the elf to do what he wanted to do and his body was in firm agreement that this was the best outcome he could’ve asked for.

\---

He closed his eyes, resting comfortably against him as his hand worked. He could do so much for him if he could use his mouth, but perhaps right now it was better for both of them if they could stay pressed together like this while he pleased Anders. His hand didn’t know just what he liked, but he experimented, gauging the reactions he got the certain squeezes and sweeps of his thumb to tailor it to what he wanted.

\---

He’d gotten himself rather far and it didn’t take much for his hand to return him to where he’d left off. He groaned under his breath from time to time, but the more consistent reactions were from the way he was breathing, the way he was shifting, the way he stopped rocking and stopped stroking his skin. His cock was throbbing in his hand and since he’d been warned, he murmured a warning of his own.

\---

Fenris knew he couldn’t take much credit, as far along as Anders had already been before he started, but it still pleased him to feel the needy throbbing. When he was warned, he picked up his pace a little more, wanting to intensify the sensations a little more as he brought him to. He murmured something that Anders would likely recognize, a prompting in his native tongue to go ahead.

\---

After a little longer, it hit him and it hit him hard. He was use to having sex nearly daily and he’d gone without for weeks and weeks, so the hand alone was enough to drive him wild. He spilled between them, marking both of them as he rocked himself towards the hand, as if to thrust into his fist as he finished.

\---

Feeling him cum so hard was a relief and he felt that he must have performed well enough. When he’d stroked every last drop from him, he raised his hand to his lips and used his tongue to sweep some of his seed into his mouth. He was hoping it would taste familiar and though it was pleasant, he didn’t recognize it.

\---

He missed the tasting, but when he recovered enough to react, the first thing he did was pull him into a hard kiss that he deepened from the start and he could taste a hint of it on his tongue. His brows furrowed slightly, but didn’t put much thought into it, the urgent kiss taking all of his attention.

\---

The kiss surprised him but he fell into it easily enough. He needed time to process all of this and everything he was feeling, but for the moment, the contact felt very important. He kissed him greedily, taking everything he needed from it before he became overwhelmed by it all, breaking the kiss to rest his head on Anders’ shoulder.

\---

When the kiss was broke, he lifted a hand to cradle the back of his head, returning to his rocking. “Thank you, love,” he murmured, wanting him to know that he appreciated the attention.

\---

“I wanted to.” He’d wanted to do even more for him really, but now he was relieved to have been able to stay in his lap. He relaxed in his hold and the rocking, closing his eyes as his mind tried to catch up with all his body had just experienced.

\---

“I’m glad.” He didn’t want him doing it for any other reason. “Do you want to go lay down?” It might be a good idea for them get comfortable and relax. Maybe talk a little, but if not, then just bask in each other’s presence.

\---

The elf nodded, but didn’t move from his lap. He wanted to go lie down, but he wasn’t ready to move just yet. He kept his head tucked into his shoulder, more relaxed than he could have imagined he would be after something like this.

\---

Since it seemed he wasn’t ready to get up, he just continued what he was doing. It was just as comforting to him, so he let his eyes shut and let the minutes tick by, not feeling the need to say anything else.

\---

It took awhile for him to work up the will to move, but eventually he untangled himself from Anders and reluctantly climbed to his feet. He let the glow fade out from his skin and he looked to his discarded clothes, but chose not to bring them along. Anders would likely prefer they stay bare even though they’d already had their sexual experience for the night. “Alright, I’m ready.”

\---

He rose up after him and decided to give him a little space on the way to the bed since he fully intended on pulling him in and keeping him close for the rest of the night. Sure enough, as soon as they were both lying, he scooted in and used an arm to pull the elf flush, going so far as to tangle their legs so they could be as interwoven as possible.

\---

The space was appreciated and once they were settled, he didn’t mind being enveloped so tightly by the healer. His head sought his shoulder again, hiding his face and closing his eyes as he continued to work through what they had done. He’d been prepared to give his body to the mage, but instead, he’d been pleasured without any expectations. He’d been pleasured very well, in fact. He’d left himself very vulnerable to a man with a lot of power to hurt him without any warning, but no magic had been used and he’d been able to relax and enjoy it eventually.

\---

He still didn’t feel the need to say anything, but if this was all there was going to be for the rest of the night, he wanted to slip in one more thing. “I love you.” He wanted to tell him as much as he could and going to sleep without telling him felt wrong.

\---

“I love you too, Amatus.” He certainly felt warm toward him at the moment, anyway. He didn’t know what love felt like and his emotions were too jumbled to even try to decipher until he’d had more time to process them.

\---

Even though he knew that he didn’t mean it, he could hear it being said in the voice of the man he loved. Probably because he was the man he loved, but to him it made it feel like he meant it. That’s why he wanted to hear it, even if he knew the truth. He shut his eyes and just laid there, not tired enough to doze off, but comfortable and peaceful.

\---

“How often do I sleep?” He asked after several long minutes in silence. He knew he likely wouldn’t sleep that night since he’d dozed off a little the night before. But he also wasn’t usually this comfortable. As he was, he didn’t feel like it would be impossible for him to get a little more sleep.

\---

“Most of the time,” he answered, knowing the answer was probably surprising to him. He was constantly being reminded what the elf was like in the beginning of their relationship. Hell, even in the beginning of their friendship. “That took some time too, but you got use to it.” Like he did with everything else.

\---

“I feel like I could sleep tonight. Maybe for a little while.” It seemed impossible. But then, Anders was saying it was what he would normally do. Perhaps the combination of the release he’d been given and a little wine were doing wonders for him.

\---

“Then try to. It will be good for you.” He wanted him to sleep every night, knowing that all the time he spent up and for so long was harmful. Very harmful. To the point that it was a miracle he wasn’t in worse shape from years of sleep deprivation.

\---

“I’ll try.” He could get more done the next day while Anders was away if he got some sleep. Even just lying here and resting his body would help, but sleep would be even better. He was relaxed in his arms, slowing his breathing and feeling like it wouldn’t take much to slip into sleep.

\---

He could feel him relax and it brought a lingering smile to his lips. As with before, he wasn’t tired enough to drift off, but he was comfortable and content. His thoughts reflected his mood and it was a little over an hour before he actually fell asleep beside his elf.


	14. Chapter 14

To his surprise, it was morning when he woke. Rarely did he sleep so late even on the nights he really needed the rest. He untangled from Anders a little to stretch his limbs with a soft groan. He felt good in a way he hadn’t in a long time. As much as he knew Anders would dread leaving him, he was looking forward to the day and trying to settle into a normal routine. Even if he didn’t remember much from it, perhaps it would continue to help him feel better in general.

\---

It was a while before he roused, but as he woke, he became aware that he was alone and he started to reach across the bed blindly, finding him and tugging on him. “Why are you all the way over there?” he asked, his voice thick with sleep. He was glad that he was there at all, not liking waking alone.

\---

“I was stretching. I didn’t want to wake you.” He followed the tugging and settled in against Anders again. He was pleasantly warm and Fenris draped an arm around him to start tangling their bodies once more. “How did you sleep?”

\---

“Good,” he mumbled, having yet to open his eyes. “What about you?” he asked, tucking his face against his collar as if he intended on going back to sleep. He didn’t intend to, but he was certainly making himself comfortable.

\---

“I slept a long time. I’m surprised I could.” He felt good for doing it but he knew it would be some time before he felt ready to sleep again. He yawned softly and rested his cheek in Anders’ hair once he settled again.

\---

“Good,” he repeated in exactly the same way. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, so comfortable. If this were a morning like any other, they’d linger in bed for a while, be it cuddling or something a little more… active. He was content to do just that, especially when he remembered that they were supposed to part for the day.

\---

The elf seemed just as comfortable and it wasn’t until his stomach gave a low growl that he was ready to consider moving. “We eat breakfast together before you go to the clinic, right?” He didn’t have much food left, but he had enough for them both to eat a little before they went on with their day. He’d pick up more in the afternoon since he’d have the day to himself.

\---

“...Yeah, but maybe I should stay here today.” He didn’t want to go and it was time for him to finally make it known. “I think it’d be better if I helped you clean some more… get this place looking a bit more put together.”

\---

“I think the routine is important, Amatus. I can work on the cleaning today. It’ll be a lot better by the time you get home.” He knew he didn’t want to go, but he wanted things to be just the way they used to be.

\---

“It’ll be easier if I’m here, though,” he insisted, wanting to go with an angle that was more convincing than him just wanting to be here. “We can start it tomorrow…” Though he knew that by tomorrow, he’d be saying the same thing.

\---

“I want to start remembering. I’m afraid the longer we wait, the harder it will be.” He gave him a reassuring squeeze with the arm that held him. “It will be alright. I’ll be here waiting for you when you come home.”

\---

“It’s already been over a month.” What was another day? In the scheme of things, he didn’t think it would make a difference. He’d gone without him for over a month, how could he ask him to go away? “I don’t want to go, Fenris,” he insisted, his voice abruptly gaining a lot of emotion.

\---

“I know. I don’t want you to go either.” He stroked his fingers through his hair, finding the tender gesture surprisingly natural under the circumstances. He wanted the space, but at the same time, he was finding a lot of comfort in his presence. “But we won’t want you to go tomorrow either. Or the next day.”

\---

He nodded, knowing he was right, his eyes beginning to swim. “So why don’t I just stay here? If you’re going to remember by being with me, it’ll be better if I’m here.” He didn’t believe that was how it’d work at all, but if he could use the elf’s reasoning to convince him to let him stay, all the better.

\---

“Because it’s not how we were. You were always working. And your patients will need you, we already left the clinic closed yesterday.” He closed his eyes and sighed softly. “Why don’t we try getting back to the schedule gradually? What if you only work a few hours today and come home early?”

\---

“Okay, but can we do that tomorrow?” His voice was higher and the tears in his eyes slipped down his cheeks. He was holding it together, but barely. The prospect of being away from him was too upsetting for him.

\---

“I don’t think it’s going to be any easier tomorrow.” Fenris said softly, but he felt the warm tears hit his skin and squeezed him again. “If you stay today, we have to do it tomorrow. Not matter how we feel about it.”

\---

“Okay,” he agreed, his breath hitching. He continued to cry, distressed at the idea of being away from him even though he was getting what he wanted. “Tomorrow.”

\---

“It'll be alright. We'll stay together today…” He assured him softly, not liking to hear him cry. He started to stroke his back in long, slow sweeps of his hand.

\---

The affection was so similar to what he knew, to how he would’ve been comforted before, that it helped him to calm. It still took a while for him to completely settle down, but when he did, he snuck a hand between them to wipe at his eyes. “Can we stay in bed?” Normally they’d be getting up to start the day, but he didn’t feel ready for that.

\---

“Until we get too hungry, yes.” He was not one to miss a meal any time he could help it. But they’d had a hardy meal the night before, so he wasn’t in any rush. Quite comfortable where he was, he just shifted to stretch a little before settling right back as he was.

\---

Content that they could stay like this for some time yet, he shut his eyes. When his stomach did begin to grumble, he ignored it, hoping to buy more time, until the elf insisted that they get up. After, he’d probably ask if they could lay back down.

\---

He also ignored the early rumblings of his stomach, not wanting to upset the mage by suggesting they get up. He closed his eyes as well, still and quiet for as long as he could stand it, though he did look forward to not only eating, but getting back to work on the house to make it look like it was supposed to.


End file.
